I shrugged. “I can identify with him. When I was a kid, I was sedated because I freaked out about something. It wasn’t necessary, so I didn’t think he had to be sedated.”
April pulled over in the parking lot of a store and put the car in park. She stared straight ahead for so long I wondered if she was going to kick me out of the car.
When she finally looked at me, tears were streaking down her face. What had I done? You’re a fuck up. A worthless piece of shit with a psycho’s blood running through you. I fought the urge to flee from the car and find the nearest taxi to take me to the tour bus. It was stupid, being here with her.
April opened the car door and stepped out. I was frozen in place watching her round the car and open my door. “Get out.”
I listened, my heart pounding. This was it. She was going to tell me I was too much of a freak to be with her. I should’ve known this was going to happen. I couldn’t get close to anyone. Not that she even knew that much. Psycho.
When I stood, April stepped up on her toes and kissed me, so hard and fast I was momentarily confused. I’d thought she was about to tell me how worthless I was, and here she was kissing me instead. A beat later, I joined in, kissing her with all the confusion and hurt I thought I was about to have. I wrapped my hands in her hair, moving my lips with hers as she devoured me.
At some point, I realized tears were running from her eyes again. I pulled back, confusion on my face. What was happening? Was this her goodbye?
She shook her head, apparently reading my confusion. “I’ve never met anyone like you.” I watched as the tears dripped from her cheeks and hit my long-sleeved shirt. I was completely out of my element here.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m falling for you. I’m terrified to tell you that, but I am. I know we don’t know each other that well, but what I saw today, Beau? I know I’m right about you. You’re selfless, thoughtful, and . . .”
“Fucked up,” I said, interrupting her. “You don’t want me, April. You deserve someone so much better than me.”
Her forehead wrinkled as she processed my words. “Do you want me, Beau?”
Did I want her? My immediate answer was to tell her no, I didn’t want anyone. But I couldn’t force myself to say the words. “April . . .”
“Stop thinking so much.” April caressed my chest and up to my neck. “I’m offering myself to you. We can take it as slow as you want. I’m not scared of you, Beau. I’m not afraid of your past, who you are now or who you will be in the future. I see you, Beau Anderson. I. See. You.”
She didn’t see me. Not really. She saw what I wanted her to see, and she thought she liked me. But she didn’t know the darkness inside me. What I was. What ran through my veins. “I’m not worthy of you.”
“That’s not what I asked you,” she said. “The answer is simple. I already know it. I see it when you look at me, and I feel it when you touch me. When we kiss, Beau? It’s beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. Ever. The question is . . . will you admit it?”
“Why me?”
“Why you? Beau, why not you? When I’m around you, I feel alive. You make me smile. I think about you every second we aren’t together. When you touch me, I tingle from head to toe. When you watch me, even when you think I can’t see you, it’s like I’m floating on a cloud. You do all those things to me.”
Could I make someone feel that way? It seemed unfathomable to me. Could I admit it? She saw right through me. She was right. When I touched her, my head quieted. She was better than playing my drums. When her body pressed against mine? It energized me and made me feel like a man.
I thought of my mom, the woman who was supposed to teach me how to love, and Robyn, who I thought had shown me what it was like to have a girlfriend. Then I thought of Natalie and the love she’d shown to me our entire lives, and Bex, the woman who had no blood relation to me yet loved me like family. I’d been given more than a lot of other people had. The last sixteen years of my life had been better than my first twelve, hands down. Yet I still held on to that. I was still letting it rule me.
I nodded, framing her face with my hands. “I thought you were kicking me out of the car.”
She sighed. “Why would I do that?”
“Because I don’t deserve you.”
April closed her eyes, leaning her face into my hand. “Beau. That is so far from the truth. Answer my question. I need to know if I’m beating my head against the wall here.”
I had to kiss her. Just before my lips brushed hers, I whispered, “Yes,” against her mouth, “I want you.” I felt her smile as our lips met, effectively silencing both of us.