But something stronger kept me right here. She dropped her head down and kissed me softly a few more times, scraping her nails through the short hairs on the sides of my head.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I finally admitted.
April smiled. “Oh, I think you do.”
I wanted to smile; the urge was there. You’re a worthless piece of shit. I closed my eyes, wishing for her to kiss me again and take the voice away.
“Don’t go there,” she said. “Open your eyes and see me, Beau. See me right here. Wanting you. Not just your body. You. Open them.”
Her voice was enough to overshadow the other and I listened, that weird sensation taking over my chest again when she smiled at me. “There you are. Your eyes are so beautiful. I love the color of them, and how I can read whatever you’re feeling when I look into them.”
Whatever I was feeling? She couldn’t know those parts of me. No one wanted to see all of me, no matter what they said.
“Don’t,” she said. “I see it, right now. The doubt is taking you over. Don’t doubt that I want to know all of you. I do. The good, the bad, and the in-between.”
I shook my head. No one wanted to see it. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have a choice.
“Let me in,” April said. “I’m not afraid.”
My eyes met hers. “But I am.”
“You can be yourself, Beau. I know trusting people doesn’t come easily to you, but I’m not going to hurt you. Think about what you know of me so far. Give me a chance to prove to you what I’m saying.”
I wanted so many things with her, things I didn’t deserve to have. I’d lived so long telling myself I was too damaged to let someone else into my head, but I found myself wanting her here. She . . . quieted me.
“I don’t know how,” I admitted.
“This . . . tonight? This was a start. Have you done this before?”
“No, and I knew I shouldn’t do it tonight, either. But I couldn’t stop myself.”
“Why? What was different?”
I’d already said too much. I knew I had. “There’s something about you.”
April smiled, her face lighting up at my words. I’d done that? “There’s something about you, too, Beau Anderson. So many wonderful things.”
Natalie pulled into what seemed like a large residential home, killing the engine of our rented SUV. Everyone started piling out, but I froze with my hand on the door handle. I didn’t want to do this. I admired Bex for everything she did for foster kids, but it put my head in a place I didn’t want it to be, and my head was already fucked up today.
After April had left my room last night, I had stared at the ceiling for hours. Natalie had come in at some point but hadn’t asked me a single question. I loved how she knew just when to leave me be, and last night was one of those times. All night, my head reeled with things I couldn’t grasp. I replayed every second of my time with April over and over again until I convinced myself it was just her being nice. I wasn’t going to pursue anything with her because I didn’t deserve her. She needed a good guy, one who could give her everything.
Not me.
When I’d finally passed out, I’d had dreams of April locking me up in an institution, her face morphing into my mother as she told me no one would ever love me because I was unlovable.
It hadn’t been until this morning when Natalie had said something about her. All she’d said was, “Let her in, Beau,” and dropped it.
I was going to see her this morning. I knew the dream meant nothing, but in my screwed up head, it did.
“Beau.” Bex stood at the door. Everyone else was a few feet away, waiting for me to get out.
I lifted my eyes to meet hers but said nothing.
“It’s going to be okay, bro. You’re not okay today?”
I was fucking sick of being the one everyone had to pussy foot around. “I’m fine, Bex.”
“Nat said you and April hung out last night.”
“Fucking loudmouth.”
Bex laughed. “That’s great, Beau. She’s a great girl.”
“It’s nothing,” I said, stepping out of the car.
Bex lifted her eyebrow at me. “When was the last time you hung out with anyone other than us?”
She had me there. “It was a one-time thing.”
“Did you sleep with her?” Bex asked it like it was the most incredulous thing that could happen, but then again, I guessed it was.
“No. Drop it, Bex.”
She slung her arm around my waist as we walked up to the door of the home. Just as Johnny was about to open the door, April swung it open. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched in the stomach at the sight of her. I immediately remembered the sensation of her lips against mine and the way our tongues tangled together in an intimate dance.