Beau watched me as I struggled to keep my composure. I looked like an emotional basket case in front of him, but it was how I felt. This was not just a job to me.
“Parents don’t always love their kids,” Beau finally said. “Not all people should be parents.”
I nodded. “That is true.” I didn’t pry for more information, knowing he would tell me whatever he wanted.
“So you have no other siblings?”
“No. My mom and I would always go volunteer with foster kids or at the hospital. I was always busy as a child, so I never missed having a sibling. Plus, my mom was young when I was born, so it was almost like having a friend.”
Beau stared at me, not blinking. “A friend?”
“We were very close—still are.”
He turned away, examining a speck of nothing on the wall. “My mom hated me.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Should I say it wasn’t true? But what if it was? So I said nothing, just waited to see if he would elaborate. He started tapping again, closing his eyes. I put one hand over his, and his eyes flew open at my touch.
“Anyone who hates you is a fool, especially the person who held you in her body and promised to take care of you.”
Beau shook his head, a look so painful crossing his face it hurt me deep in my core. “I should’ve never been born,” he whispered.
I was sure the fissure that had cracked my heart from the situation with Robbie just splintered and fell into shards, piercing me from the inside out.
Beau
WHY THE HELL did you say that to her, you moron? April was silent, and I didn’t blame her. What the hell would someone say to that? She hardly knew me, and here I was telling her what I thought of myself. I also told her my mom hated me? What had gotten into me? Those were things that needed to stay inside my head. No one needed to know what went on in that crazy place.
She said she and her mom were like friends; that was what had done it to me. That was so far beyond anything I could understand, and I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I had the feeling my head was floating above my body somewhere because I had been doing things that were unlike me from the second I saw her tonight.
Kissing her hand? Her cheek? Holding her hand and bringing her back to my room? I thought Natalie’s eyes were going to bug out of her head when I told her to let April and I have some time alone. I hadn’t missed her grin when she’d turned away, though. I figured I might not see Natalie again tonight. As long as she wasn’t in Tanner’s room, we were good.
April’s job affected me. Hearing her talk about the little boy who was brought in and seeing her emotional reaction to a child she didn’t even know made me want to punch things. Why were parents so fucked up? What in the world made this mother choose that life once she looked at the face of her child? Then again, my mother abandoned me because she hated who I was becoming. I guess her love only ran surface deep, and once there were problems, she was out of there. I wondered where she was and if she knew I was successful now. If she cared at all.
April cared. It was written all over her face. She wasn’t like my mom. She wasn’t like Robyn.
“Beau.” When she said my name, something inside me stirred, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. It was an experience so strange I wanted to rub it out of my chest. My fingers itched to drum, to release the nervous energy flowing through me.
When I didn’t respond, I felt her stand up and move around to my side of the table. I didn’t want to lift my face to see the expression on hers, but I couldn’t stop it. My body took over my head again.
April leaned over so she was staring directly into my eyes. “Whatever happened to you with your parents does not define who you are. You absolutely should’ve been born, Beau. The world is a better place with you in it.”
She only said that because I was a good drummer. What other reason would she have to think that the world was better with me in it? I turned away, but she put her hand on my face and steered me back to look at her.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” I didn’t recognize my voice.
“Shut down. Turn away from me. I know you don’t believe me, Beau. I see it. But I’m going to make it my mission to make you believe it.”
Her mission? “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I understand your feelings. Not because I’ve lived them, but because my mom has, and so have all the kids I work with every day. You aren’t alone in your thoughts, even if you think you are. You found one purpose for your life, being a drummer. Now you need to find the rest of it.”
“April.” My chest ached with an emotion I didn’t understand. I wanted her in so many ways. She thought I didn’t notice the sexy outfit she’d worn to the concert tonight, but I’d be dead if I didn’t. Her legs seemed miles long in her short skirt, and her full breasts spilled out of her low-cut shirt. Add her sexy makeup and hair and I wanted to spread her out on my bed and have my way with her. What she didn’t know, however, was I thought she was sexier in her work clothes or jeans and a T-shirt. I didn’t need to her throw herself at me like groupies did.