I followed the cross street to Hamilton and turned toward the bonds office. Minutes later I parked behind Mooner’s bus. Morelli’s car was angle-parked in front of the bus, and Morelli was standing in the middle of the field.
“That is one fine man,” Lula said, looking at Morelli. “I don’t know what your problem is. I wouldn’t have any trouble saying yes to him. I’d say yes to whatever he was askin’.”
I had to admit, he was definitely fine.
Lula cut her eyes to me. “So when was the last time you two got busy?”
“A while ago.”
“So why’s that?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Hunh,” Lula said.
When Lula said hunh like that it indicated total disgust.
“Okay,” I said, “it’s because I’m confused. I’m having commitment issues.”
“You mean you can’t choose between Morelli and Ranger. I’m telling you, girl, you know what you gotta do. You gotta have a bake off, a throw down, a love fest. Hell, just ask them if they want to go head-to-head in the sack and see what they say. You’d be doing them a favor on account of you’d be makin’ up your mind. And then just for the heck of it, maybe you can throw in that guy Dave that your mom likes.”
I cut my eyes to Lula. “You can’t be serious.”
“Damn skippy I’m serious.”
“Something to consider,” I said.
“While you’re considering you might want to do something about Krakatoa. Like if you put a little teeny skirt on that barely covers your doodah, no one’s ever gonna look at your face. And on top of that it gives a man incentive to be real nice to you.”
“Words of wisdom.”
“You bet your ass,” Lula said. “I’m going into the bus now before Mr. Titty’s ghost creeps up around me.”
I didn’t have a sense of Mr. Titty’s ghost, so I went over to say hello to Morelli.
“What going on?” I asked him.
“I’m trying to get a grip on this. The forensic guys think Lou was buried within twenty-four hours of his disappearance.”
“Cause of death?”
“Looks like broken neck.”
“Gina Giovichinni said Lou had a big business deal go south just before he disappeared. Word was he had travel plans.”
“I’ve heard that rumor,” Morelli said. “So far I haven’t been able to get any details.”
“How about Mrs. Lou?”
“Mrs. Lou would be the last to know anything,” Morelli said. “She’s been in a self-induced Xanax coma for years.”
“Have you tried talking to her?”
“Yeah. It was painful. And unproductive.”
I realized Morelli was staring at my forehead.
“It’s a pimple,” I told him.
Morelli grinned. “I hadn’t noticed, but now that you mention it.”
“Liar.”
“Fortunately for you I know the perfect cure for a pimple of that magnitude. Sweaty gorilla sex. Lots of it.”
“I got this from your crazy grandmother. She gave me the eye, and she said I was going to get boils!”
“Cupcake, there’s no such thing as the eye. And that’s not a boil. It’s a monster pimple. It’s that time of the month, right?”
“Wrong!”
“Good to know,” Morelli said, slinging an arm around my shoulders, hugging me into him. “I have plans.”
“Where are we going to eat tonight?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Pino’s?” I asked him.
“No.”
“Campiello’s?”
“No.”
“Sal’s Steak House?”
“No.”
Morelli wasn’t a surprise kind of guy. Maybe about doggy-style sex but that was it. So I was getting a weird feeling.
“Where are we eating tonight?” I asked him again.
Morelli blew out a sigh. “At my mom’s house. It’s my Uncle Rocco’s birthday.”
“No, no, no, no.”
“Oh man, I’m begging,” Morelli said. “I hate these parties. I’ll make a deal. You go with me, and I’ll give you a back rub.”
“No way. Your grandmother will be there, and she’ll put another curse on me.”
“Okay, a back rub and I’ll buy you a birthday cake.”
“No!”
Morelli looked down at me. Serious. “What’ll it take?”
“I’ll hook up with you after dinner. That’s the best I can offer.”
“Better than nothing,” he said. “Can I still give you a back rub?”
“Yes. Do I get the birthday cake?”
“No.” He looked over at the bonds bus. “Are you going in there?”