Slow Burn Cowboy(59)

“All right. But if you do, just let me know.”

“I will.”

She watched her friend exit the store, and then she looked over at the box of pie. She was... So profoundly grateful to have people to lean on if she needed it. People who knew the whole story. Of Finn, of everything that had come before him. She hadn’t realized what she had been missing before.

That’s why all of this was worth it. All of the pain. Telling him no. Telling him that she wanted everything.

Because Alison was right. She couldn’t allow herself to stagnate. To stay back where he was. She had to move forward. Even if it sucked.

She made a moaning sound and laid her head down on the counter, resting her cheek on her forearms. Then she popped back up. She had to finish the day out. If she could just do that, then maybe she would survive tomorrow too.

Okay, that was thinking too far ahead.

She would just focus on breathing through the next hour. Then, maybe someday, she would breathe through two hours. Then six. Then twelve. Then maybe she would stretch it out to a whole day.

She heard a scraping sound, and turned just in time to see a little brown fluff ball scurry across the floor. She jumped back. “Hey,” she scolded, “Robert, you have to stop scaring people.”

She laughed helplessly. And a tear slipped down her cheek. “Also,” she added, “you are officially my best friend. So do something about how creepy and gross you are.”

She was talking to a mouse. A mouse she had named Robert. And there was only one person on earth she wanted to tell that story to. But she couldn’t call him. She couldn’t text him with her ridiculousness.

Suddenly, she felt isolated in a way that was terrifying. A way that transcended anything she had experienced before.

There was no way to fully understand the gaping hole losing Finn was going to leave in her life. Not immediately. Because he had filled so much of her existence for so long.

But it could never be the same again. No matter what, it could never be the same.

She took a breath. She just needed to keep breathing for an hour.

* * *

MOST MEN WOULD show up with a bouquet of flowers. Most men who had screwed up beyond reason would bring jewelry. Maybe chocolate.

Finn Donnelly had a big ass box of dairy products.

But the woman he loved owned a specialty food store and loved him almost as much for his cheese as she did for his body—if she still loved him at all.

He parked his truck against the curb and got out, grabbing hold of the box of hastily assembled items and heading toward the door, his heart pounding hard.

He had never done this before. He had never gone after somebody once they had left.

When he got to the front door, Lane was standing up against it, turning the lock. She stopped, her eyes meeting his through the window, round and filled with horror. Her expression would have almost been comical if not for the fact that he could see she was in pain, and it was a pain that matched his own.

He wanted to punch his own face in. For doing this to them.

“Let me in,” he said.

“I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone,” she said, leaning on the door. “I refuse.”

“Dammit, Lane,” he said. “Let me in.”

“I have to wash my hair. I have to scrub my feet with my pumice stone.”

“Lane,” he said, “this box is heavy.”

“I’m hanging out with Robert. We don’t want you here.”

“I don’t care what the mouse wants,” he said. “I care about what I want. And I want you, so let me in the damn door before I break it down.”

Well, there went his romantic speech.

“You want... Me?” she asked, her voice muffled by the door.

“I’m not shouting at you on Main Street. People are staring.”

“That,” she said, “is no less than you deserve. But I’m going to let you in.” He heard the lock jiggling, and then she tugged it open. “Don’t make me sorry. Don’t make me cry again.”

He walked inside before she could change her mind. “I can’t make any guarantees about that.” He shifted his hold on the box. “I brought you some stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Samples. Of the kind of thing you can put in your subscription boxes. And some things you can stock here in the store. I worked all day on this stuff, so if you hate it, don’t tell me. At least, don’t tell me today. Or maybe do tell me today, because you probably owe me.”

She put her hand on his, her expression unspeakably sad. “If you came here to try to pick up our friendship where it left off, you can’t. And you need to go. The hardest thing for me to deal with over the past couple of days—even before you told me you didn’t love me—was realizing that I couldn’t be your friend. I mean, it’s complicated. But I want something more. Friends and lovers aren’t the same. I want a romance. I want you to be... Everything. And friendship is certainly included in that, but there’s something else too. And that’s what I need. That’s scary. It’s terrifying. I don’t like it really. Except, I also found it exciting. To realize that we were on the verge of making something new. Something that was just us. We both have friends. But you’re my only Finn. And I want to be your only Lane. And I want our relationship to be fully unique. Fully ours. So if you came here to banter with me about dairy, I need you to go.”

He shook his head. “That’s not why I came.” He set the box down on the floor, his heart hammering. He hated this. Feeling nervous. He didn’t do that. Ever. He wasn’t afraid of much of anything. Except, apparently, his tiny little friend whom he loved with all of his heart and soul. “That’s not why I spent all day on this. On low pasteurized milk and a list of cheeses and different soaps.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Soap?”

“Soap,” he confirmed. “Don’t think for one second I did all that because I wanted to be your friend. Because I wanted to pretend that nothing happened.”

“Then stop talking about dairy and say the thing you came here to say.”

“I’m a miserable bastard,” he said, reaching out and taking her hands. “I’m a miserable bastard who expects everybody to walk away from me eventually, and so I try to push them. I do it to everyone. Not to you. Not at first. I met you at your brother’s house, and you were so bright and beautiful, and so obviously sad. And I wanted to take all of that onto myself. I wanted to be everything for you. And I wanted you to be everything for me. For the first time since my mother left I wanted... I wanted more. But I thought if I could put you in a particular place, and tell myself I was protecting you, I wouldn’t have to drive you away. Of course, when my grandfather died and my brothers showed up, everything started breaking apart. And that was when I started pushing. Because I couldn’t control myself around you anymore. So I figured I would either have my way...”

“Or I would walk away. Which is exactly what you did to me last night, isn’t it?”

The betrayal on her face cut him deep. “Yes,” he said, his voice rough. “Not that I realized it then. It took my older brother to knock some sense into me. It turns out maybe I do need family. Which was a distressing revelation, Lane, make no mistake.”

“Wow. I bet. Though not half as distressing as having the man you love look you in the eye and say he can’t love you.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so damned sorry. I held back all this time from letting myself have you because I knew I’d hurt you. But the ridiculous thing about that is it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Damn right it is, Finn Donnelly. You couldn’t hear that from me? You had to go brood your way to a revelation?”

“I had to get my head out of my ass. And I had to... I had to deal with all my shit.” He shook his head. “I’ve never been able to figure out the magic combination. The thing that makes people finally decide I’m not worth the effort. It scares me. It might seem silly to you, but I can’t shake this feeling that one day I could wake up, and you would be gone.”

Lane shook her head, her eyes filling with tears, then she closed the space between them, pressing her palm against his cheek. “I’ve walked away from enough. I’m done. I can’t lose anyone else. And you know that’s why I suppressed all of my feelings for you. Because I needed you. But I didn’t want to do the work to become what you needed.” She laughed suddenly. “You know how they put people in medically induced comas when they’re really badly injured?”

He blinked, not quite sure where she was going with this. But then, with Lane it was almost impossible to know. That was part of what he loved about her. The endless vibrancy, the constant surprises. The rambling. Lord, but he loved that woman’s rambling.

“Yeah,” he said slowly.

“That was us. All of our feelings were in a medically induced coma. Or maybe a trauma induced coma? Until we could heal enough to handle it.”

He laughed, taking her hands, holding both of them and sliding his thumbs over her palms. “Unfortunately, you healed a little faster than I did.”

“I did. I’m not even going to give you a pass on that.”