“Is everything okay?”
She lurched backward, hitting her head on the top of the fridge. “Ow,” she said, turning to see Rebecca standing right behind her.
“You’re acting weird,” her friend continued.
“Because I just sustained a head injury,” she growled.
“I meant before that.”
“I’m not being weird,” Lane said, digging in. Even though she was being weird, and knew she was being weird, and felt weird.
“Are we talking about how Lane is being weird?” Alison came up and joined the group.
“Well,” Lane said, rolling her eyes. “Now we’re all being weird. Because we’ve left Finn and Violet across the store by themselves.”
“You’re being weird about Finn,” Rebecca said.
“I am not being weird about Finn.” She was totally being weird about Finn.
“She is,” Alison confirmed. “And she got weirder when you got here. Which I think is because of the thing.”
“Alison knows?” Lane asked, shooting Rebecca a deadly glare.
“Well, I talked to her about it at some point,” Rebecca said. “But the thing is there isn’t anything to know. And you know that. Like six months ago I saw Finn at the bar. We danced. He kissed me. And then I left with Gage.”
“I know,” Lane said, curling her fingers into fists, her nails digging into her palms. “And it’s not a thing.”
“Jealous,” Alison said.
“No. I’m a relationship Scrooge, as you well know. I’m not in one right now, I’m perfectly happy to not be in one.” She looked over at Finn, unintentionally, and both Rebecca and Alison noticed.
The two of them exchanged conspiratorial glances and Lane frowned. “I am,” she insisted. “I’m part of the She Woman Man Haters Club.”
“Nothing happened between me and Finn, and nothing will,” Rebecca said, her voice overly placating. “You don’t have to worry about it.”
“I’m not worried.”
“I’m getting married to Gage,” Rebecca said. “I am in love with him. My heart beats only for him. And we talked about that right after all this happened.”
Lane felt irritated. Mostly because she was not going to make a big deal out of this, until everybody started making a big deal out of it. She hadn’t said anything. And she hadn’t done anything. Except probably look a little bit uncomfortable. Having friends was overrated.
“I’m not worried about it,” she said.
Well, she hadn’t worried about it, or thought about it much until recently. Until things had started to change between Finn and herself. Until it had forced her to think about the way other women saw him, which had brought that whole incident with Rebecca back into her mind.
“Is something going on with him?” Alison asked.
Everything inside her recoiled, scampered away and hid behind an internal wall that she needed right now. Needed, so that she could use it as insulation while she figured everything out.
“No,” she said, “nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“No. Nothing is going on with myself and Finn.” Good Lord. If she denied him the full three times she would be in a situation of biblical proportions.
“Well,” Alison said. “If you ever want to talk about it...”
“There isn’t anything to talk about.” She grabbed hold of a carton of blackberries and shoved them at Rebecca. “I’ll just get your stuff, and then you and Violet can head over to the bakery.”
She stomped back and grabbed the jars of cream and brought them out, aware of the fact that her face was probably red, since it was warm. She didn’t know why she was reacting like this. Why it was freaking her out to this degree.
If she couldn’t get a handle on herself then it wasn’t going to be up to her whether or not the relationship became public. She was going to let everybody know with her completely uncontrolled mannerisms.
She asked herself, yet again, if that would be the worst thing. Right now, it felt a little like it might be.
Just because the whole thing was new. And she still felt a bit raw and fragile because of it. Giving other people permission to weigh in on it, to look at it, sounded like her worst nightmare right about now. She was still examining it all cautiously. She did not want anyone else’s opinion.
That made her feel isolated, though. It made her so very aware of the fact that she didn’t share anything with these women that she considered her very best friends. And here she was, continuing that pattern.
Well, she was going to sort it out. Except, she had never had any plans to sort that out. She had told Finn about her past as a kind of defense mechanism, not because she wanted to let him in, not because she wanted him to understand anything more about herself.
She took a deep breath. “At least,” she said slowly, “there’s nothing I want to talk about right now.”
Just that simple admission made her feel exposed. She immediately regretted it. She just wanted to hide again.
Understanding softened Rebecca’s face. “Well, I can definitely understand that.”
“Anyway, here you go. Neither of you pay me for them. Just take them. Alison, you can pay me in pastry if the experiment works out. And you’ll owe me double if Violet ends up being a great employee.”
“I would very much like to owe you,” Alison said.
Alison turned and walked back toward Violet, gesturing for the girl to exit the store with her.
Rebecca held her berries close, then looked at Finn, and back at Lane. “Anytime you want to talk,” she muttered. “I’m a judgment-free zone. I mean, look who I ended up with.”
Yes, Rebecca had ended up with the most unlikely man imaginable. The thing about Finn was, as far as the entire town was concerned, Lane imagined he seemed like the most likely man for her to end up with.
He fit. They fit. He filled all of these spaces in her life—had for years—and that was its own kind of terrifying.
“I promise if there’s ever anything to talk about, we’ll talk.”
Rebecca nodded, then turned to go. But she stopped right in front of Finn. “Don’t give me a reason to come after you, Donnelly,” she said, “because I will.” Then she smiled and continued on out the door and down the street.
“So,” Finn said, his voice breaking some of the tension in the air. “I think it’s safe to say everybody knows.”
“I denied pretty heavily.” She let out a harsh breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just kind of crazy. I’m trying not to be. I really am. But when Rebecca came in I kept thinking about how you two almost...”
He reached out, wrapping his hand around her wrist and drawing her against him. She was breathing hard and she could feel his heart beating against her palm. “Do you know how long I’ve been celibate?”
“Like, twelve hours,” she said, trying to shift some of the heavy weight in her chest.
“No. I mean before you and me. Do you know how long it had been since I was with another woman?”
“No.” She had started turning a very blind eye to all of Finn’s exploits with women early on in their friendship. Yes, she was vaguely aware that he hooked up a lot. At least, a whole lot more than she did. But she had done a lot of not thinking about it. Because he was her friend, and she really hadn’t wanted to think about him getting it on.
Or, in truth, she hadn’t wanted to think about him having sex with anybody because it would force her to think about him as sexual. And at the time, that had been about the most important thing to be avoided.
Right now, feeling so warm, and out of control in his arms, she was having trouble remembering why that had been.
“A year. And when the thing happened with Rebecca, it had been a few months. I just wasn’t interested in anyone. Not anyone but you. It was getting worse and worse. And she was there looking for a chance to forget. So was I. It seemed like we could help each other out.” Lane shivered, moving closer to him. “It was about you,” he continued, his voice rough. “All of it. There’s no reason to be jealous, because I never would have asked her to dance if I wasn’t trying to forget the woman I wanted. The one I was sure I couldn’t have. It was you even then.”
She swallowed hard, resting her head against his chest. She just wanted to stand like this, because this felt good. He felt good. She didn’t know what was going to happen tomorrow; she didn’t know what her jumbled-up heartbeat meant, what that vague shaking in her limbs was. She just knew that being with him like this felt right.
After so many years of wrong, she felt like she was due.
“So,” she said finally, “we’re both a little bit jealous, I guess.”
“We spent a long time being close with each other, but not being this. And in that time we both dated other people. I imagine that...makes it tricky.”
“Yes,” she said. “Tricky.”
She curled her hand into a fist, clutching his T-shirt, burying her face deeper into his chest. It didn’t feel tricky right now. Not right in this moment.
“Spend the night again tonight?” she asked, trying not to sound too needy. But she was needy. And that kind of neediness opened up a whole well of questions that she couldn’t see the bottom of.