Dixie started to cry again. I’d just gotten her quiet.
“You’re scaring the baby,” I said. And me. He was scaring me. Ever since that phone call, I felt like I had no idea who he was anymore.
“Don’t care,” said Griffin. He kicked over the table too.
“Please don’t,” I said. I was at the edge of crying myself.
“I failed her,” he said. “I failed Beth.”
“This wasn’t your fault,” I said. “You told me that you can’t blame yourself. Remember when I was upset about Stacey—”
“Not the same,” said Griffin. “You didn’t promise Stacey you’d keep her alive.”
“That’s not a promise you can really make, though, is it, Griffin? I mean, people die sometimes, and—”
“Shut up,” he said.
I took a step away from him, stung.
Griffin sat down on the floor of the kitchen. “She was so afraid when she knew that they wanted her dead. She was terrified. And when I told her we’d get out of there, she looked into my eyes, and she believed in me.”
“Griffin, you couldn’t have known—”
“The last thing I said to her was ugly,” he said. “I yelled at her.”
“It’s not your fault.”
He buried his face in his hands. “Before Beth, I didn’t think there was one other human being in the entire place. I knew she was a rebel. She was sleeping with Knox, and they really looked down on us assassins having affairs with each other. They’d rather pay for prostitutes, seriously. They didn’t want us attached to each other. I knew she was a rebel, but I didn’t know she was still a person deep down until she wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy. She wanted a baby. Killing machines don’t want babies. But she did. So she was still a human being. And if she was one, then I was one too. And I swore to her that I would keep her safe, that I would keep her alive.”
I swallowed hard.
“I didn’t keep her alive. I basically killed her.” He looked up at me. “What if she hadn’t had my phone number? If she hadn’t known how to contact me, would they still have done it?”
Carefully balancing the baby, I sat down next to him. “Griffin, I’m so sorry.” I rubbed his upper arm.
“Don’t touch me,” he snarled.
I recoiled. “Why are you being like this to me?”
He sneered at me. “This is what I am. Didn’t you realize? All I’m good at is killing. I can’t save people. You’re not safe around me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is,” he said. “It’s true.”
“Please...”
“Hold on,” he said. “I think I hear Knox in the other room.” He got to his feet and wandered out of the kitchen. There was a gunshot.
Dixie started to cry again.
I got up and began to walk with her, rocking. “We have to do something about the baby, Griffin.” As soon as he got through whatever he was going through, he’d be okay again. He was only grieving. He was only blaming himself. Obviously, Beth had been very important to him. Maybe if I could distract him, get him moving again, then he’d start to snap out of it sooner.
“Do whatever you want with the baby.”
“We should take her somewhere.”
“You take her somewhere,” he said.
“I need you to come with me.”
He appeared back in the kitchen. There was more blood on his skin and clothes. “I’m not going anywhere. Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve got Knox here to play with. And let’s face it, doll, this is no place for a baby.”
He mocked his pet name for me, made it sound stupid and sordid.
I bit my lip. Could I do this without Griffin? “Where should I go?”
“A hospital or something. There’s got to be someplace you can take a baby.”
Maybe if I left for a little bit, when I came back, he’d be better. Less freaked out. He was scary now, and I supposed that I didn’t really think I liked the idea of being around him. So maybe I should go.