I knew that hours ago, I’d been annoyed with him. I knew that I’d thought he was ruining my life and I’d only wanted away from him. But right now, I’d never been so grateful to see anyone in my life. I nodded, tucking hair behind my ears. “I’m okay.” I tried to step away from the wall, but my knees buckled. I felt shaky.
Griffin was next to me in a second, holding me up. He looked at Clint over his shoulder. “You know, maybe you’re not such a great influence on her.”
I leaned against Griffin gratefully. He was so solid. It was strange to be close to something as firm as marble, and have it be radiating heat, have it be skin.
He looked down at me. “You wanna go home?”
“Yes, please,” I said in a tiny voice.
He took a step. I tried to take a step too. For some reason, my legs weren’t working. I felt so shaky, and my heart was beating way too fast, probably a combination of the adrenaline and the cocaine. I stumbled.
Griffin’s arms came under my knees. He picked me up like I was a tiny child and walked out of the apartment with me. It was the second time in a short span of time that I’d been picked up, but I kind of liked it. It made me feel small and safe, and I hadn’t felt that way in a long time.
He carried me through the moonlight to my car.
“You took my car without asking?” I said.
“I said I was going to watch you, doll,” he said. “I had to do what I had to do.”
I lay my head against his chest. For some reason, when he said it this time, it seemed less suffocating and more comforting.
* * *
My knees were shaking. I’d just gotten out of the shower. My hair was wrapped in a towel, and I was wearing my pajamas. The sky was lightening. It was nearly Saturday morning. I sat on my couch. Griffin was lounging against the wall in my kitchen. His gray eyes looked troubled.
“I can’t have you working against me. What were you thinking?”
I picked at my pjs. I didn’t answer. I was ashamed.
“What if that hadn’t been some college guy? What if it had been someone from Op Wraith? I was watching from outside, but I was trying to stay far enough back to give you privacy. It took me way too long to get in there. If it had been a professional, you’d already be dead.”
I bit my lip. “I’m sorry.”
“You could be in danger. And you’re making it easier, not harder, for the bad guys to get you.”
What else could I do but apologize? Should I do it again?
He sighed. “I’m genuinely curious, here, doll. What were you thinking?”
I couldn’t look at him. “I was thinking I wanted to have fun. I was thinking I didn’t want to brood over what happened to my dad. I was thinking...” I shrugged. “I was thinking, ‘What’s the point?’”
“What?”
“It’s a big joke. I mean, here I am, going to college, pretending like I have a shot at a normal future. But I don’t, do I? Dewhurst-McFarland is a huge company. They aren’t going to forget I exist. I’ll spend the rest of my life like this. Hiding out. And I don’t see the point of even trying anymore. It’s easier to just numb everything.”
“Look, that isn’t true,” he said.
“It is,” I said. I stood up and began straightening the pillows on my couch. “Do you know why my dad gave me the serum?”
“You were in a car accident.”
“You know why I was in a car accident?”
“I thought the definition of an accident was that there was no reason,” he said.
“How about a bottle of tequila and a lot of coke?” I said. I fluffed a pillow. “Sometimes, I think that maybe I’ve been trying to kill myself for a long time.” I punched the pillow. “And then he went and gave me that serum.” I looked at Griffin. “Now I can’t kill myself.”
He rubbed the top of his head.
He didn’t know what to say to me now. I thought about the things that Clint had said about me earlier that night. That I was unfeeling. That if a guy didn’t like my behavior, he had to deal with it. I thought of the things Rusty had said to me. They weren’t very nice, and he didn’t have the right to hurt me, but where they really that far off? What was I doing?