Afterward, I returned to my reflection once again.
What in the world was I going to do now?
For the first time in my life, I really had no idea what would happen in the coming hours and days. At that point, my existence was little more than suffering from second to second and minute to minute.
I did my best to clean myself up, and after leaving the bathroom, I turned down the hallway and headed in the direction of my grandmother’s room.
With each step I took towards it, I sensed my muscles tighten and my hands grow clammier. I’d avoided going in the room until now, and even as I reached down towards the handle, I still wasn’t sure if I was ready.
Yet somehow, I managed to twist the knob and push it open. The old hinges squeaked and moaned as the door moved away from me and inward to the room.
I sucked a shallow inhale into my lungs, and as I did, I was immediately struck by the lingering smell of my grandmother’s perfume. I recalled how, as a child, when she would hug me, the aroma would give me comfort and put me at ease.
But now, it smelled different to me. There was no one for me to reach out and embrace. It was but another painful reminder of the loneliness that was my reality. No one was coming to care for me, and likewise there was no one for me to care for any longer.
I crossed the threshold into the room, my legs heavy with resistance. Each step, brought more and more of her surroundings to my awareness. Everywhere I looked, I felt the familiar, dull ache of grief in my throat. For several minutes, I meandered around the small room, picking up sad mementos and trinkets of her existence.
At last, I made my way around the foot of her bed and took a seat there as I so often did. But, no sooner had the springs in the mattress stopped squeaking than I once again doubled over and wept.
As I cried, the myriad of troubles I faced streaked across my mind, casting shadows on it like sinister ghouls. Unless I could figure something out—and soon—I would be completely bankrupt. For years, I’d fought the notion of ever giving in and declaring myself unable to pay my bills.
I squeezed my scalp, raking my nails in, and screamed, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
Shaking and sobbing, I moaned, “Ohhh, ohhhh, ohhhh…”
How could it have come to this? What had I ever done to anyone? I had only ever done the right thing my entire life and now, in the span of a few months, my existence was in ruins.
How could Gabe have been so cruel?
I considered the question for several moments, but realized that it didn’t matter. It was only a matter of time now. Soon, I’d be completely unable to pay all of my bills, including my rent. If I didn’t figure something out, I’d be on the street.
Utterly exhausted, I leaned backward and fell into the mattress. Tomorrow I would have to figure out a way to survive, but for tonight I only wanted to sleep.
GABE
I sat at my desk with my elbows propped up on it. Eyes closed, I neared my second hour of deliberation about what to do with the future of the Link Protocol.
The casual attitude I’d adopted while on my solo retreat in St. Barth’s had obviously abandoned me when it mattered most. Without thinking, I’d done the equivalent of deflating three good tires because one had gotten a flat.
Looking back, I felt as if I tried my best to understand and help Fiona. But the distance she continued to put between us and the wall she’d kept up was more than I could stand to deal with at that time.
And now, more than ever, I faced an absolute avalanche of problems.
The first of these was the fact that the investors were still expecting an update on the progress of the Link Protocol and the clinical trials. And in spite of knowing that it would take any ordinary physicist months to catch up to Fiona’s level of creativity and brilliance, I’d let my emotions get the better of me, jeopardizing the entire deal.
After a deep exhale, I leaned back in my chair for a moment and looked up towards the ceiling. Things couldn’t have been much worse than they were right then. Not only would the timing of trying to string along the project without Fiona’s involvement be inconvenient, but it would also likely cost me billions of dollars.
But as bad as the financial impact would be, with each hour that crept by, I began to wonder if I’d completely destroyed what existed between us.
“Jesus,” I muttered, as I stood from my chair. I slid my hands into the pockets of my pants and made my way around my desk.
Why wouldn’t she let me help her? Was I such a terrible person, lover, or friend?
I couldn’t understand anything about it. It made less than no sense to me, It was completely irrational and unlike everything I’d ever come to know about Fiona.
Leaving aside the fact that she’d rejected my overtures to help, the fact that Fiona had rejected me was equally baffling.