"Look at you, Fiona. You're blushing!"
"Yeah," Amanda said with eagerness in her tone. "Something must have happened. You're turning bright red."
Melissa leaned over the edge of my workstation, locking her eyes on me like a beat detective stares down a petty thief. "Come on, Fiona. You can tell us."
I frowned at them. "There's nothing … " I began as I forced a swallow down my throat. " … to tell."
Amanda pointed at me. "You're lying right now. What's the big deal, Fiona?"
"Yeah," Melissa said as she began to rub her hands together. "Spill it. What happened? Did he kiss you?"
"What?" I replied, as I grew increasingly alarmed at the direction their questions headed. "Kiss me? No. What makes you say that?"
Amanda paused for a moment and leaned away from me. Her gaze traveled up and down my face as she studied me. Just then, her eyes widened and she angled her upper body toward Melissa as she whispered something to her. Afterward, the two looked towards one another and began to snicker. In spite of my efforts to downplay it, this couldn't have gone much worse. However, before long, their laughter simmered down. It was then I found out how much worse it would get.
Separating from one another, they circled around my workstation, closing in on either side of me. My skin prickled as they hovered nearby. I felt like shutting my eyes, covering my ears and just screaming for them to go away and leave me alone. I hadn't done anything to them other than receive the attention from Gabe they so desperately craved. Was it my fault they hated their husbands and lusted after their boss as a way of compensating or it? After all, I wasn't responsible for the way he was acting towards me.
They hovered close in silence, taking turns looking at one another as if they were trying to decide who would go first. As the seconds ticked by with growing awkwardness, I decided I was angry with them whether or not they'd done anything to my experiment. Frankly, that didn't even matter anymore. This wasn't how professional people ought to behave. But just then, at the instant where I'd thought they couldn't stoop any further... they did.
"Fiona?" Amanda said in a voice not much louder than a whisper. "Did you sleep with him?"
Melissa gasped.
Without a word, I backed away from them in complete disgust. With my hands in the air, I held them in a position of mock surrender as I stepped backward. For a moment or so, I wasn't sure how I ought to respond.
"Amanda," I said, as I fought the urge to slap her. "I'm not even going to dignify that accusation with a response. Now I've told you both, repeatedly, there is nothing going on between Gabe and me. And further, even if there were, it's not the business of either of you. I don't spend my time meddling in your personal life. Please extend me the same courtesy."
No sooner had I finished what I thought was a well-reasoned plea, than they leaned across my workstation and high-fived one another as if I never said a word.
"Don't worry Fiona, honey. If you wanna bang Gabe, more power to you."
Wasn't this treatment at the hands of mean girls supposed to be behind me now? These women were easily ten years older than me. So much for my notion of being surrounded by people like me. If anything, they took out their own repressed angst on me, the new girl.
When was this ever going to end?
FIONA
Nearing a red light, I pressed my foot against the brake. The high-pitched whistle of brake pads wearing thin reminded me of yet another thing that new promotion would fix, if only I could keep it together long enough.
The whole drive home, I fought the urge. I wanted to stay strong like I always did when things got tough. After all, I was the one everyone ran to when they had problems. Yet here I was again, left to face my problems alone, as usual.
At least I had my grandmother. She'd listen. But thinking of her only made things worse in that moment. As much as I tried to block out the inevitable, it was a matter of time until she … Just then, the first drop fell against the steering wheel with a soft splat. I reached down and smeared my tear into it, afterward drawing my hand up to my cheeks and doing the same against my skin.
As I did, I happened to glance to my left.
Across from me was another car, filled with a family of five. It was like my own … Parents, two boys and little girl. As I looked around at them, my gaze came upon the girl. She'd been watching me cry. My chest flushed as our eyes locked for an instant before I turned my attention back to the road ahead. As the light changed from red to green, I gripped both hands with the steering wheel and pressed the accelerator pedal.
Through a sniffle, I continued to wipe at my eyelids. If my grandmother noticed any signs of my tears, she'd be all over me with questions.
But the truth was … I missed my family. And it still hurt. Even all these years later.
About fifteen minutes later, I arrived home and entered the apartment.
"Grandmother, I'm home … "
I listened for a moment or two to see if she was awake. Hearing nothing, I decided to go ahead and get dinner ready before waking her. So far, I hadn't been put into a position where I needed to get her a nurse during the day. At some point I would though.
The only question was when.
Soon enough, I finished preparing our food and after waking her and making sure she took her medication, we sat in silence for a few minutes watching a bit of television as we ate.
"You're awfully quiet this evening, Fiona. Is everything all right?"
Stretched out in the recliner, I rolled my head to one side as I looked at her.
"Yes. Why?"
My grandmother set her plate down on her bed. "Well, since you started your new job, you've had something to tell me about every single day. And now, all of a sudden … nothing?"
I swallowed and turned away from her, looking at the television once more. "I don't want to worry you."
"Well, when you say something like that, it makes me worry even more. Fiona, you know you can tell me anything my dear. What's happened? Did something go wrong in the lab? Or is about your boss?"
I looked back in her direction once more. Exhaling, I replied, "Yes, a little of bit of all that, actually."
My grandmother was the strongest person I knew. As I looked at her frail frame beneath the bed sheet, I felt a lump collect in the center of my throat. Why couldn't I just deal with them? She would. She'd tell them exactly where to stick their snarky comments and bitchy attitudes. What was my problem?
I closed my eyes for a moment. "I need for you to promise you won't judge me."
"Oh Fiona, don't be silly. Why would you even think such a thing?"
She filled my vision once more as I reopened my eyes. I shrugged as I started to reply. "It's hard to explain."
"Try."
"Um, I don't know. I just don't fit in. On the other hand, I never have, so it's not really a surprise."
My grandmother remained silent for a moment or so before she spoke once more.
"Fiona, I want you to listen to me, all right?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"My dear … " she began as she folded her hands in her lap. "You've made so much progress the past few years while you were in college. You've been making friends, meeting people. Whatever the problem is, it can't be so bad that you'd want to go back to the way you used to be. You can't hide yourself from the world."
"I know."
"I was so worried about you during those years. Worried you'd always be a loner, grow up with no friends with your nose always buried in your schoolwork or a book. But look at you now. You're becoming a woman. And while I think the idea of an office romance is a bad one, it's clear you've at least got him interested in you. That should make you feel good about yourself."
As she finished her thought, I pulled my knees in towards my chest, hugging them close while leaning back in the recliner. If I believed Gabe was interested in me, she would have a point. But, I had no idea if he was or not, and at this point, my life in the lab would be far easier if he wasn't. As I ruminated, my grandmother repositioned herself in the bed, assuming an upright, focused posture.
"Fiona, the truth is someday soon … I won't be here any longer."
No sooner had she uttered the words than the emotions of the day I buried came roaring back. Almost on cue, my eyes filled with liquid and before I realized it rivulets of wet heat ran down my cheeks.
"Please d-don't s-say that … " I muttered.
"Well, it's true dear."
My upper body convulsed as the notion of her being gone from my life overwhelmed me.
"Fiona, come here. Come give me a hug."
The springs in the old recliner twanged as I stood. Walking over towards her, I wiped at the fresh discharge of tears, drying my face as best I could. I reached over and hugged her frail body as my grandmother extended her arms around me. She patted me on the back, soothing me with ‘there there's' and ‘it's okay's'. We embraced for a few more moments until at last she spoke once more.