But I can’t.
“Baby…” he whispers, pushing my face into his neck. “I don’t need kids to make me happy. I only need you. I knew when I first saw you, I’d do anythin’ to make you happy. I couldn’t stand to see that sadness in your eyes.”
I didn’t know he could see all of that. “The only thing I want but can’t have,” I sob out into his neck, letting the tears soak into his skin. It’s almost as if he’s taking on the pain himself.
“Is that why you wouldn’t marry Victor?” he asks softy. He rocks me from side to side and places gentle kisses along my hair. It takes me a few moments to realize I’m crying. I don’t like to cry and I really don’t want to cry in front of this guy. He’s so strong; it’s hard to show weakness in front of him.
I nod though. “He wants three kids. He talks about that often.” I let a sob out and close my eyes tight, letting go of all that pain. Victor can’t hurt me anymore. “It broke my heart into a million pieces every time.”
Damien starts to walk backwards until he bumps into my car. He opens the passenger side door and gently pushes me inside. He kneels in front of me and holds my face in his hands. “Ashley…I cant take that pain for you. I want to more than anything, baby. But you’re rippin’ my fuckin’ heart out right now. You’re so fuckin’ strong and sure headed all the time. I didn’t even know you could cry.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m weak,” I whisper while the tears still flow down my face. He rubs them into my face and at first it’s weird. But I realize he doesn’t want me to let go of my tears. They are a part of me.
“I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re the strongest fuckin’ bitch I ever met. You live your life the way you want to, at least ever since I met you. And since I’ve been around you I haven’t seen you let anyone give you shit without givin’ it back.” My tears slowly dry up with his words. It’s hard to see myself that way considering I’ve been weak for so long. Hiding behind things I thought I needed to be doing. Afraid to stand in the light and be laughed at. When in reality I’d already moved into the light and all because of one boy. “It’s not your fault God gave you this lot in life. The only thing you can do is hold your head up high and flip everyone the bird.”
“When did you get so amazing?” I whisper, staring at him, trying to figure out how I got so lucky. I went from one guy who brought me down right into the arms of the only person who could lift me up. “You make it hard for a girl not to fall in love with you.”
He gasps before he bites his lip. His cheeks turn red before he leans in and kisses me. “You make it pretty fuckin’ hard yourself, girl. Both literally and figuratively.”
I sit up and wipe the rest of my tears away. I push him away from the door and close it. “Go get my bag and let’s get out of this hell hole.”
Five
“Are you ever going to fuck him?” Lola asks while twirling her butt around on her bar stool.
I about spit out the sip of beer in my mouth at her question. “Excuse me? How is that any of your business?”
Lola laughs and the sound is fluttery and wild. “It’s not. I’m just saying though. I came from this life. My pop has been in this club since before I was born.” She finally stops the twirling and faces me dead on. Her eyes are a little glassy and I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. I wouldn’t really know though, because I’ve never been drunk. “You don’t give it up to him, then he’ll go somewhere else. That’s what they do. It’s in their nature. In fact, I’m pretty sure they don’t believe in monogamy.”
I shrug my shoulders. I feel light and fluffy. My head is for once clear as the night sky and I want to dance. But I hate dancing. “If he truly loves me, he wouldn’t cheat. And if he did I would know it was over. I’m not gonna stick around and watch him be with club whores. I’ve got my own life to live. I’ve already let one prick make me less than I am. I’m certainly not gonna let another guy do that to me.”
Lola blinks at me a few times. “Are you serious? You wouldn’t shoot him or anything? You’d just walk away? What if you guys have kids?”
At the mention of kids, I swallow hard. But I refuse to let that bring me down tonight. I can’t change what’s already done. I just have to live with it, even if the thought nearly kills me. “I’d walk away. Why should I waste my time on someone who would do that? If we have kids, I’m not saying he couldn’t be in their life. But he will no longer have any say in mine. Yeah, I’ll be fucking pissed and probably find a willing brother to revenge fuck, but other than that, I’d go. There’s no need to cause a catfight or make a big scene. It’s between the two of us, not anyone else.”