There will always be a place inside of me that loves you. It will always hold you close, but I can’t let you hold me back anymore. I can’t stand to live in the dark when I’ve seen the light.
Ashley.
PS I think I should mention this just in case you’re wondering. I met someone else.
I printed it out and mailed it off this morning on my way to school. Now I’m sitting backwards in my car watching the back of the school parking lot. I never get here this early. I usually wait till the last minute so I don’t have to wait around, but today I want to see Damien.
And then he’s pulling his beast into a parking spot close to my car, way closer than I thought to watch him for. He jumps off the bike gracefully and smiles big at me. I start chewing on my lip because I don’t know if I can handle this. Victor is the only relationship I have ever been in. Starting anything with Damien would be crazy and completely different from what I had with Victor.
Not to mention does he even want a relationship? I mean the guy told me he wanted to fuck me, not date me. But then yesterday he acted like he wanted to at least be friends.
Gah! I’m so damn confused!
“Are you waitin’ for me Glossy?” Ugh, I hated when he used that nickname. I don’t even wear lip gloss all that often.
“You’re like the only friend I have. Other than that Lola girl but she doesn’t really count, considering I think she’s using me to get at your brother.” I ramble because I’m nervous. Now I’m scared to think about what’s going to come out of my mouth.
Damien chuckles and leans down until his head is peeking in through my open window. “I wouldn’t really call us friends. Friends don’t want to fuck each other. That’s generally reserved for a couple.”
“I never said I wanted to fuck you. That’s stretching the truth a bit there buddy.” Okay I’m a horrible person. I shouldn’t lie to him because that won’t get me anywhere. I just don’t even know how to start this rebound or whatever. It’s not in my DNA to be the aggressor.
But boy do I want to screw him. I’m talking, letting him rip off all my clothes, bend me over my car and letting him screw me in front of everyone. Not that I would actually do that, but you get the point.
“Ashley we both know what you want. We both know what I want. You’re in a committed relationship, so nothin’ is goin’ to happen. I wouldn’t want to be cheated on, so I’m certainly not goin’ to help you do it.” I don’t want to be a cheater either. That’s why I’m not saying anything to Damien until my letter gets to Victor.
Even if I said the words, he hasn’t heard them. It’s still cheating because he thinks we are together. Sometimes being a good person sucks.
“What…what would happen if I broke up with him?” I ask quietly, not looking him in the eyes.
He gives me a half smile I see out of the corner of my eye. His long elegant index finger comes into view and goes under my chin. Said finger raises my chin so my eyes meet his. “Then, Glossy, one second wouldn’t go by that you weren’t my girl. There aren’t a lot of things I know in life, but I knew the right girl for me the second I met her.”
Then he stands all the way up and walks away from me. He leaves me with more questions that I’ll never find the answers to. He leaves me breathless and lost in a sea with no anchor.
Maybe I need him to hold me up.
Or maybe I just need him.
***
There’s only so much a girl can take.
First, Damien meets me at my locker every morning. He doesn’t carry my books or anything but he does walk me to class. He never touches me either, just stands so close to me I end up brushing against him constantly. Then, whenever he leaves to go to his own class, he whispers goodbye in my ear. “Later, Glossy.” It’s like he’s trying to kill me.
I know the bastard knows what he’s doing. He smirks all too often when I gasp or look like I’ve become a damn airhead. You know what I’m talking about. My eyes go glassy, my mouth hangs open and I start twisting my hair around my finger. Total airhead look.
Gah!
Then he always takes me for a ride on his bike after school. It’s hard to tell him no when he leads me to his bike every afternoon. I love the wind in my hair, in my face and how it clears my brain. There’s nothing but Damien and me out there, free to be us.
It’s like going home every time.
We have two weeks until graduation and I hope to God Victor gets his letter by then. I can’t stand to think what would happen if I didn’t get to see Damien every day. While I hate the sexual tension, I would SERIOUSLY miss it.