We laugh, and all drink to that as I look around at my friends. Each of them hold a place in my heart filled with good memories, and my chest aches knowing I won’t get to see them. I won’t be having my Wednesday morning coffee with Caris down at the corner shop anymore. No more midnight runs to the Thai place near Michelle’s house for the best spring rolls in the city. Heather won’t be able to stop by on her way home from work with a bottle of wine and stories of her crazy boss when I move away. Jack, Liam, and Mark—boyfriends to my besties and besties to my boyfr… I stop myself from finishing that thought. Chase is… Chase is… he’s my Chase.
I tip my glass in his direction at the other end of the table, and mouth, “Thank you.” His dark blue eyes sparkle tonight. He looks happy. I want to say it’s the alcohol, but something deep down inside tells me that isn’t the only reason. Jack’s been talking to him, and out of politeness, Chase turns to respond, breaking our connection.
I rest my chin on my hand, my elbow on the table, and attempt to give my full attention to Caris, who is describing, leaving no minute detail out, her upcoming nuptials. Caris and Jack are moving in together, but I can’t focus enough to enjoy her happiness. My gaze keeps landing back on the other end of the table—on Chase.
“So, are you just dying? New York is going to be insane. I’m so jealous!”
I hear Caris speaking, but I’m too involved in another conversation—a silent one taking place between me and Chase. He tilts his head, asking me without words, ‘What’s up?’
A small smile crosses my mouth, and I shake my head while looking down at my hands in my lap. When I look back up, he’s walking toward me. “Excuse us for a moment,” Chase says to the group. He pulls my chair out then takes my hand, pulling me up. With his lips barely gracing my ear, he whispers, “Let’s go to the bar.”
I don’t need to verbally respond, my body is already in motion, my hand in his as he leads us out of the small party room.
“Two Crown and Cokes, please.” He holds two fingers in the air to the bartender down the way. Leaning his elbow on the bar, he turns to me—his playful smile ever present. I’ve dubbed it his sexy smirk. “How’re you holding up in there?”
“I’m having fun. I think it’s really nice you did all this for me.” I slide onto a barstool, and spin to face him, my knees touching his inner thighs. Neither of us is uncomfortable by the closeness. “I have to admit that I’m not feeling very entertaining tonight, though.”
“You don’t have to be ‘on’ with me. You know that. But I meant every word of the toast.”
“You’ve always been a good friend to me.”
“Just because you’ll be in New York doesn’t mean this ends.” He runs his hand through his already messy hair, looking around the bar then back at me as if he’s going to share a secret. “I’m gonna mis—”
“I know. I’ll miss you, too,” I say, feeling the exact same way, but not wanting to talk about it. I’ll get upset, and I don’t want to be upset my last night here.
“It’s kind of the end of an era, and if you have a few minutes, there’s some stuff I want to talk—”
“Don’t. It will just make it harder on both of us.”
The drinks are set down on the bar, breaking the tension that was thickening around us. He pays the tab and smiles, knowing that I can’t handle goodbyes. We take our drinks, clinking them together and sip. Our eyes stay locked as Chase’s hand rubs up and down my hip several times before he stops and lightly squeezes.
I look away, feeling my heart speed up and my breathing deepen.
“Lydia, I—”
“Chase, we—”
“There you are,” Caris interrupts.
Chase’s hand drops to his side, and he takes another sip, or maybe it’s a gulp.
“It’s just like you two to sneak off and leave us all in there while you have a private party out here. Lydia, dessert just arrived, and then we’re heading to the club. Come on,” Caris says, dragging me by the hand with her. I glance back at Chase who turns towards the bar, seeming to settle in.
That image of Chase is still burned in my mind so clearly, even after a year. His text has immobilized me as tears fill my eyes. I miss him so much, but I ruined us. We can’t go back to what we had, and there would be no point anyway. I’m in New York. He’s in San Francisco. It’s pointless.
A tear hits my phone screen just as it fades to black.
~New Year’s Eve~