Shit. Why does having him cum inside me turn me on and make me want him even more? I’m so confused.
It’s silent with him still inside me as he leans in once more and presses his lips to mine. They’re soft and sweet, making me want more of them. I always want more. He’s like an addiction. Everything about him just calls out for me; my body needing him to survive. He’s an addiction I’ll have to break. I have no choice. Too bad, I know guys like him will never change. Jay didn’t. I won’t start over with another man that’s just like Jay.
When he pulls away from the kiss, he looks me in the eyes and sighs. He can see my guilt written all over me. He could probably even taste it in our kiss. “You’re still leaving, aren’t you?”
I nod and turn my head away. I can’t do this right now.
“Fucking shit.”
He pulls out of me and gently sets me back down to my feet while pulling his jeans back up. “I don’t blame you for not trusting me,” he says stiffly. “I don’t even trust myself. I don’t know how the fuck I feel. All I know is that with you . . . I feel something and I don’t want to give that up.” He looks away before opening the door for me to get in. “I guess I’ll have to. Me wanting to change isn’t good enough and I fucking get that, but I can’t make any promises. I won’t make one that I know I can’t keep.”
I feel a burning sensation in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe. It’s taking everything in me not to cry right now. As wrong as it was, we both needed that one last time. It’s unfortunate that it felt even better than the last two. I will forever be fucked after leaving here. Slade isn’t someone you can easily forget about. I already feel that; the pain is too strong to ignore.
* * *
I haven’t spoken to Slade since we got back to the house a couple of hours ago. I decided to lock myself up in Cale’s room and hide. I can’t face him at the moment, because seeing him will only make me want to change my mind about going. I can’t stay though. He’ll only hurt me more than Jay has. Jay made a promise to me this time. I have to believe for the sake of our relationship that he means it. I’ve held on for five years, it has to be worth something.
Right . . .
I’m sitting here on Cale’s bed with my suitcase next to me, staring up at the ceiling, when my phone goes off. My hand shakes as I go to reach for it because I know my time is up. I’m not ready yet. A big part of me is holding me back and telling me to stay.
The look in Slade’s eyes was almost enough to convince me he wanted me. I could see the struggle within himself while he was asking me to stay. Asking a girl to stay with him is not something he’s used to. I think we both know that it wouldn’t last. I couldn’t commit myself to the pain of losing a man as great as him. I already feel attached and I barely know him. I can’t even imagine how I could feel in a few months. I would fall hard and fast . . . right on my face.
I have to go. Home is where I need to be.
I already know that Jay is outside because I hear a car door slam. He’s most likely opening the trunk for my luggage. I just hope Slade didn’t hear it, because I can’t face seeing the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t speak to me the whole way back to the house. It killed me. I just need to slip out of here unnoticed. I can’t let my heart break anymore tonight.
I grab my suitcase, stand up and drag it over to the door. When I open the door, I look around but don’t see Slade anywhere. I should be happy.
Right?
I find myself standing here for a moment, not wanting to move. I feel stuck. I allow myself a few moments of pity, suck it up and make my way outside. The first thing I notice is that Slade’s motorcycle is gone. Not sure how I missed him leaving, but he’s gone and the ache in my chest returns. I’ll probably never see him again. The thought kills me.
Why does it hurt so much? Why do I wish he was here so I could see him one last time?
Jay stands next to the trunk, but doesn’t make a move to help me as I drag my suitcase across the ground. Usually, this wouldn’t bother me because I’m used to him being this way, but right now, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Slade may be all tough and closed off, but he would help me without a second thought. I know that and I love that about him. He’s more than what he shows the world. There’s a really great side to him that I love and want more of.
Dammit, this is so hard.
I feel numb and closed off as I step up beside Jay and look at him. I thought I would be happy for this moment . . . but I’m not. I’m fucking miserable right now. Seeing him is doing nothing but making me angry. The feeling of wanting to kiss him has now been replaced with wanting to punch him. Unlike Slade, he wouldn’t get off on it.