“You think she’s nice? You’re her makeover project. It’s getting her all kinds of attention. It’s not about you. Don’t kid yourself.”
“She didn’t have to do it. At least she doesn’t ignore me like you do.”
“You’ve never wanted to be friends with me. Fat or not. You’ve always made it clear. I’m stupid, and you can’t stand me.” Briella blinks quickly. Are those tears in her eyes?
Because of me?
“I don’t think you’re stupid.” I’m surprised at her anger. “I didn’t mean to be that way.”
“You always act like you’re better than me. You think you’re better than everyone. Rat doesn’t act like that. He’s probably a hundred times smarter than everyone in this room, but he never makes me feel dumb.”
Or fat, I think, but I don’t say it. I do say, “You don’t understand.”
“Did you ever think maybe I want to understand? And I could, too, if you would just explain it to me.” Briella throws the paper towel into the trash. “I’m going back to the dance. Have fun with your new friends.”
“They’re your friends, too,” I say.
“I’m not so sure about that,” she calls back over her shoulder just before the door slams shut.
I stand, staring at the mirror for a long time after she leaves. My green eyes look sadly back at me. The only thing I recognize in the reflection. Who are my friends? Whitney? Jackson? Where were they when I weighed three hundred pounds? The music starts up again outside the bathroom walls. A soft melody. Right this minute, beautiful Briella is stepping into Rat’s arms. She’s where I was a few minutes ago. Right where I want to be right now.
“What do I want?” I whisper to the girl in the mirror.
A beat of silence drops into the clatter of my mind. Quiet. Not even Skinny is talking to me.
What have I done? I need to think. Stumbling out of the bathroom, I push my way through the crowd to the hallway doors. I don’t want to see Briella and Rat dancing together again.
At midnight, Cinderella ran away from the ball, leaving behind her glass slipper. The doors swing slowly closed behind me, shutting out the sound of the party, and I realize I’ve lost something far more important than a shoe.
I’ve lost my best friend.
MIDNIGHT
Chapter Nineteen
Out in the hall, I take a couple of deep breaths, stumbling toward the junior lockers. I just need to think for a minute. The music from the dance fades away into a dull thumping in the background. I dodge a couple of giggling freshmen dragging each other back the way I just came, toward the music and the fun.
Two figures stand close to each other down by the water fountain. I blink rapidly, my mind starting to focus. Something about them is familiar. The girl is tiny. Gigi. She’s wearing jeans, a long-sleeved T-shirt, and tennis shoes. She’s obviously not dressed for the ball. And the boy who’s standing oh-so- close to her . . . is Jackson. Their hands touch. I hear a slight buzzing in my head.
My mind is scrambled, my stomach in knots. I can’t look away. God. How did this happen? When did this happen? Jackson reaches his hand around behind Gigi’s neck and brings his lips down to hers. It’s so easy. So natural. Like he’s done it a million times before.
My heart feels like it’s been wrapped in barbed wire and pushed deep inside me. I’m bleeding inside, fighting for every breath. It’s supposed to be me.
Gigi pulls back, laughing. She reaches up and brushes the hair from his eyes. Her fingers linger and then trace the line of his chin. Like I should be doing. Like I’ve dreamed of so many, many times. My stomach churns.
Her mouth moves, and Jackson laughs, his eyes never leaving her face. He leans in to murmur something in her hair. I can almost feel his breath on her neck. Almost. They both laugh. He pulls away, and she punches his arm playfully. It’s like she hit me solidly in the stomach. I cover my mouth with my hand to try and hold in the hurt.
“You’ll never be skinny enough for him.” Skinny’s voice fills my mind. She’s back with a vengeance. In my ear. Hissing.
“Nothing is ever enough. You know that now, right?”
Jackson leans back in toward Gigi. He’s going to kiss her again, and I’m standing there like I’m watching some kind of movie. I back away into the lockers behind me, trying to get away from seeing what’s coming. The clang of the metal star tles them, and they jerk away from each other.
“Ever?” Jackson turns to see me standing there, but the surprise on his face is quickly replaced by guilt. “What the . . . ,” Jackson says. He clears his throat.