Skinny(15)

“Before you can schedule your surgery, you must attend a dietary education session and a pre-op educational support group. We also strongly encourage you to bring a buddy or family member with you.” I wonder who I’ll take. “The seminar will be facilitated by the surgeon and staff members. You’ll have all the time you need to ask all of your questions about your post-operative diet and follow-up care.”

On the way out of the office, I’m handed a big blue folder with the words Gastric Specialists of Central Texas stamped on the front in gold letters. I open it up and flip through the pages of materials included. Pre-surgery, post-surgery, diet, food lists. My stomach lurches again. I’m overwhelmed. I close the folder again and mumble my thanks to the receptionist.

That night, with my bedroom door shut tightly, I slide my laptop out from under my bed and log in quickly. I go to the bookmarked site as soon as the wireless connects. It’s labeled “Shoes” on my favorites bar even though the likelihood of someone caring enough to search my computer is next to nothing. It should be labeled “Fatties” because it’s a home for the masses out there looking for weight-loss surgery to save them from their blubber prisons. I click on the forum, “Teen Patients.” I’ve been coming here for almost a year now.

Trying to hang in there. Just can’t figure out what is wrong with me and why this is working so much better for others on here and not working so good for me. THANKS for the encouragement.

Don’t give up!! Next month will be two years for me. I know it is hard not to, but celebrate what you have achieved and what is yet to come. You can do it! If I can, you can. I started at 249, this morning was 107. This surgery was the best thing I could have done for myself. Hang in there.

Was 284 Pounds! ! Holy Beep!!! Size 22/24 2X/3X WHO WAS THAT GIRL??? Now — 169 pounds!! 5'7" size 4/6 tops and 9/10 bottoms. I did NOT lose any muscle mass and my body fat is 33%!!

Now I know what it feels like to cross my legs and to fit in an airplane seat.

I was told yesterday that my throat is totally inflamed and food is now going into my lungs. I have pneumonia due to the inflammation. They also said this IS life threatening. Help! Anyone else had this happen??

I scroll through the postings, reading until my head is buzzing with the words of the escapees. Some have made it out into the sunshine. Some are still trapped in the tunnel they dug for themselves. I don’t know which one I’ll be, but I know I can’t stay locked away in my prison of fat for the rest of my life.

I shut off the computer and slide it back under the bed. I put the packet from the doctor’s office under there, too, and turn out the light. Looking up at the ceiling, I can still feel the chorus of voices seeping out from the website. Sad. Joyous. Defeated. Angry. Amazed. Hopeful. My headphones lie on the nightstand, but I know there is no music that can drown them out.

I don’t go to sleep for a very long time. It’s a good thing I didn’t chuck the folder in the trash, even though I wanted to. It comes in handy a couple of weeks later when Rat and I go to the session.

Dad is on a business trip, and Charlotte is helping sponsor the cheerleader fund-raising car wash. Lindsey is busy with senior parties and graduation plans, and who knows where Briella is. So Rat volunteers to be my support buddy and everyone happily agrees. Rat’s the only one, other than my family, who knows what’s happening. At first I feel bad that Rat has to go with me — like it’s got to be a burden. But he launches himself into all the material in the big blue folder like it’s some kind of bestselling novel. He’s completely fascinated with every single page of the reading material, especially all the gory medical details. To him the whole experience is an exotic science experiment, complete with various charts and graphs for future data entry of my weight loss.

Unfortunately for me, Rat has a perfect recall of anything he reads, so he happily recites various quotes from the Blue Folder on the drive to the meeting. I don’t need him to make me more nervous, but with typical Rat obliviousness, he doesn’t notice.

“They will make two small incisions. Then they insert the camera with the light on the end into one of the holes in your stomach. Did you know that it’s really dark inside the human body?” He is talking and driving way too fast. Way too excited.

“Never really thought about it before,” I say. Rat is especially interested in the actual surgery, which is the part that makes me feel nauseated.

“They pump your abdomen full of gas so they can move around in there and then they put the instrument through the other hole. That’s how they get to your stomach.”