I hadn’t really done too much research into the event, so this is actually the first time I’m seeing the man in the flesh. I can’t say I’m impressed. In fact, I’m feeling that squirming sensation in my gut that tells me this could turn out to be a massive cringe-fest.
Nine
Simon Silver stops right in the middle of the stage, wearing a headset microphone. “Okay, let’s get straight to business,” he says in his Australian accent. “I want each of you to take a piece of paper and write down your top five essential attributes of an ideal partner.”
Women all around me start to rummage for their note pads and pens. After a moment of hesitation, I do the same. I have to try my hardest not to wince, because Jay’s sitting back in his chair, casually watching me. As I start to scribble down five traits, Jay angles his head to see what I’m writing. I cover the page with my hand so he can’t look.
“Shouldn’t you be writing, too?” I ask, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.
“Don’t need to.” He smirks and taps his forehead. “I’ve got it all in here.”
I concentrate on my page again. So far I’ve got: funny, smart, protective, and motivated. Deciding to hell with it, I finish off the list with handsome.
“Have you all got your five traits?” Simon asks from the stage, and there are murmurings of “yes” from the audience. “Great,” he continues before setting his sights on an Asian woman in the front row. “Hello there, what’s your name?”
The woman stands up and puts her hand on her hip before answering, “Meesha.” She seems confident and sassy. If he’d singled me out like that, I’d probably have forgotten how to speak.
“All right, Meesha. Would you like to read your list out for everyone?”
Meesha picks up her piece of paper and, without any hesitation whatsoever, starts to read, “Wealthy, good-looking, strong, sexy, and a big dick.”
Simon chuckles, his bleached teeth glowing against his brown skin. “I take it you mean you want him to have a big dick rather than be a big dick.”
Meesha laughs uproariously. “Yes, yes, that’s what I meant.”
“Funny, sounds like she was describing the latter to me,” Jay whispers conspiratorially.
Sounds like she was describing you, I think. Although I have no clue if the “big dick” part is accurate.
Slumping back in my seat, I mutter to myself, “Remind me why I paid eighty euros for this?” I must have said it louder than I thought, because Simon Silver’s gaze lands on me.
“Hello! The brunette over there in the third row wearing blue, would you like to go next?”
Oh, God, no. It’s happening. I’m the singled-out singleton. Voice don’t fail me now.
“Not particularly,” I mumble.
“I’m sorry, could you speak up?”
I sit up straighter. “I’d rather not.”
“Oh, come on. We’re all friends here,” says Simon. “A lot of what we’re going to work on today will be about confidence building. And what better way than to do a bit of public speaking, eh?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.” I rub anxiously at my neck, so roughly I’ve probably left a big red mark.
Just as Simon’s about to make further efforts to convince me, Jay comes to my rescue. “My friend’s a little shy. How about I go instead?”
All of a sudden Simon becomes aware that there’s a man in the audience. Shock, horror. And he doesn’t seem too pleased about it.
“But of course. Go ahead,” he says, a wary glint in his eye as he gestures for Jay to stand up.
Jay stands, his eyes on mine the entire time. I send him a silent look of thanks. “Okay, my ideal girl will be classy, funny, beautiful, sensitive, and she’ll have a great fucking rack.”
Furious giggling breaks out all around us, and I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly embarrassed. Apart from “sensitive,” I’m not sure if I’m any of those things.
Simon chuckles. “You do realise this is a seminar to teach women how to find men, right?”
Jay shrugs. “I must have missed the memo.”
“All right, well, a lot of what I teach will be useful for dating women, too. So you’re welcome to stay.”
“Gee whiz, thanks,” says Jay with no small amount of sarcasm before sitting back down in his seat. Simon gives him a hard look but then plasters a big smile on his face seconds later.
“Okay, the next part of this exercise requires you to take those five attributes, and I want you to focus mainly on the personal qualities rather than appearance, and turn them on yourself. I want you to question whether or not you possess the qualities you want your partner to have. If you don’t, then do you have a right to demand them of others? Furthermore, what can you do to cultivate those qualities in yourself?”