‘I’m glad I won’t ever have to come up against you in court. I expect Leonard was pleased.’
‘Oh yeah, although he took the credit, of course, and said I’d learned it all from him.’
‘That sounds like Leonard,’ I say. ‘Anyway, how was your weekend? Did you have Lottie?’
‘No, next weekend Lottie is with me. I had a pretty quiet couple of days, to be honest.’ He leans back and stretches his arm across the back of the bench. ‘What about you? How’s it going with Alice?’
I knew he was going to ask and it’s probably half the reason why he invited me out for lunch. ‘Good,’ I say. ‘It’s going well.’
‘Is that it? That’s all you’re going to say? That it’s going well?’
I look at him and shrug. ‘It’s the truth. She seems very nice. Mum is over the bloody moon. Luke and the girls seem to get on well with her too. I don’t really know what else to say.’
‘You seem very underwhelmed by it. I thought you’d be buzzing with excitement.’ He gives my ponytail a gentle tug. ‘Come on, Clare. I know you better than that. What’s the deal with Alice?’
I rest my head back on his arm and close my eyes for a moment. I’m still having trouble processing my emotions and feelings about Alice. I open my eyes and look at Tom. He gives a sympathetic smile. I let out a sigh. ‘Okay. To be honest, I don’t know how I feel. No, that’s not right.’ I sit forward. ‘It’s very confusing. I feel all sorts of things, but most of all, and don’t you dare repeat this.’ I pause and wait for Tom to promise. He obliges and makes the Cub Scout promise sign. ‘Most of all, I feel like it’s a bit of an anticlimax. It’s not as exciting as I thought it would be. I feel a bit flat and, if I’m honest, a bit grumpy. I shouldn’t feel like this, surely?’
‘You’ve had years of building up to this point; times when you’ve been excited, enthusiastic, frustrated, sad and resigned to never finding her.’ Tom is right. I have experienced all those emotions and many more. ‘And now it’s actually happened, now you’ve found Alice, or rather, she’s found you, all those emotions have gone and you’re left with what? Love? Probably not. You may love the memory of your little sister Alice, but now you’re confronted with the real-life, adult Alice. Those two people are poles apart. You probably can’t even work out what you’re feeling. The euphoric feeling when she first wrote, that’s long gone. The fairytale ending has happened. Now you’re in for the long, hard slog of trying to build a relationship from scratch. Trying to love someone you don’t know.’
‘You know what?’ I say. ‘You actually sound like you know what you’re talking about.’
Tom gives another playful yank of my hair. ‘Yeah, well, sometimes I do, actually.’
‘In my mind I thought, assumed even, that I would have this instant connection with Alice. A bond so strong that twenty years apart wouldn’t matter,’ I say. ‘And now the reality isn’t quite as romantic as you see in the films or read in books. The reality is that it’s difficult and strained.’ I look down at the ground, not wanting to say out loud what I’m thinking, yet at the same time wanting to tell Tom. He seems to understand how I’m feeling. I decide to say it. Talking to Tom is safe. ‘I know this will make me sound like some crazy woman, but last weekend …’ I pause, wondering if I can say it.
‘Last weekend?’ prompts Tom.
‘Last weekend, I even had a few bad thoughts about her and she’s only just got here. No, that’s not right. Not thoughts, feelings, really.’
‘In what way?’
Now I’m regretting starting this part of the conversation, but I know Tom won’t be fobbed off. ‘Jealous feelings. Just tiny little ones, but they were there all the same. Jealous the way Mum is fussing over her. For example, Alice wanted peanut butter and jelly. I offered her jam, which wasn’t good enough, so Mum was all set for sending Luke off to find exactly what Alice wanted. And then there’s Luke. On Sunday she went on the i360 with him and when they came off, she was hanging onto him like she owned him. And when Hannah didn’t want to hold Alice’s hand, you know what? I felt a small ounce of victory wash over me.’ Truth be told, I had wanted to high-five Hannah at the time and shout, in very American cheerleader way, go Hannah, go Hannah!
Tom laughs. ‘Well, this is a first. I do believe it’s called jealousy.’
‘I know! What the hell’s wrong with me?’