“Jack Barnes?”
“Yes,” Julian admitted. “I was rather upset when he left The Club and took Samuel with him. I liked having them around. And Leo was always obnoxious, but I found his company oddly soothing. Now I am just laid back. I have to be or I would kill Chase on a regular basis. Though I do think about it. I can’t now. He has a wife, and for some reason, Natalie loves him.”
Stef wouldn’t exactly call Julian laid back, though he was certainly calmer than he used to be. “I heard you had a hand in that.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
From what Stef understood, Julian also had a hand in the wedding that was taking place tomorrow afternoon, but apparently he didn’t want to admit to playing matchmaker. And it wasn’t really what Stef was looking for anyway. “So how’s fatherhood treating you?”
“Ah, I wondered when you would go there.” A smug satisfaction took over Julian’s expression. “What happened with Jennifer?”
Damn. Julian never liked to play all the polite little games that might have spared Stef the embarrassment of admitting he had no fucking clue what he was doing. “We had a little scare a couple of months back. She was bleeding.”
Spotting is what Caleb had called it, but it was bleeding in Stef’s head. Sometimes he had nightmares that she bled and he couldn’t stop it.
“It’s a terrifying position to be in, I’m sure. Pregnancy is not something any Dom is going to handle well because of the absolute loss of control. It would be easier if we were the ones to deal with the pain that comes with it. Watching our submissives struggle is very difficult when we can do nothing to ease them. Danielle struggled with morning sickness in the beginning. Terrible nausea. It was very difficult for me to watch her go through that. I couldn’t control the situation. She would be so sick and I couldn’t help her. I definitely remember that feeling. I do not like being helpless.”
Jennifer had been pretty healthy through her pregnancy, but the one time she hadn’t been still haunted him. “I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the delivery room. I won’t be in control of anything.”
He couldn’t stand the thought. Other people would control her fate, make decisions about her care.
“No, you won’t. It’s hard, but that is your submissive’s burden to bear, unfortunately. Danielle wouldn’t scream. She didn’t want to scare me. She tried to pretend it didn’t hurt, that she could take the pain. She fought me on the epidural and then she begged me for one. I was so happy to drug her up, Stefan. I rather thought about taking one myself. I swear, that was the longest day of my life. And then I saw my Chloe and I fell in love. But it was weeks before I felt settled again.”
Stef stared up at the perfect sky. There wasn’t a cloud marring the glorious blue. “Then why do we do it? God, I’ve been asking myself what I was thinking. Our life was good. Why are we messing it all up?”
Julian chuckled. “Because I believe our submissives would insist on it. I will admit, I wasn’t excited at the prospect of change. There was a part of me that wondered if I would even be capable as a father, but this is something that no one can prepare you for, Stefan. There is no book you can read or friend you can talk to that will make you ready for the moment when they place a seven-pound bundle of humanity in your arms and tell you to take care of it. If you think you feel out of control now, wait until that happens.”
“It’s going to change everything.” He wasn’t ready for it.
Julian put a hand on his shoulder. “Yes. Your son will change everything and there will be days when you wonder why you didn’t just remain the same. But I’ve discovered something, Stefan. My life would have been incomplete without Chloe. And when the time comes, and I know it will, I will grit my teeth and go through it all again.”
Stef looked at Julian. “Are you kidding me? You would give up control again?”
“Life is about more than control. I know. If you try to tell my wife I said that I will deny it, and I am an excellent liar. The best things that ever happened to me happened when I gave in to what life offered me. You can cocoon yourself and pray that nothing bad happens. You can mitigate the risks. You can hold on with both hands, and things will still go wrong. And then you’ll never learn the true joy of having a child.”
“And what’s that? Because I’m not seeing it.”
“Like I said, I can tell you, but you won’t understand now. The real joy of having children is seeing the world through their eyes. I’ve done just about everything deviant a human being can do, but I feel clean when I look in my daughter’s eyes. The world is fresh again.”
Stef couldn’t see it. Julian was right about that. “I still don’t think it’s worth risking my wife’s life over.”
“But she does. You’ll find your wife becomes a tiger when it comes to her child. If I’d had things my way, Danielle would never have discovered that piece of herself. Finn wouldn’t have had this experience. I wouldn’t have grown. We would have gone through our days, but for us, something would have been missing. Jennifer could die on you in a hundred different ways. Are you willing to give up everything you could have with her today because you’re frightened that it could be gone tomorrow?”
Stef took a long breath. Was that what he was doing?
“It’s funny,” Julian continued. “I think about my parents a lot these days. They died when I was so young. I wonder if they regretted that so very much of their married life was spent taking care of me rather than enjoying each other. I wonder if they were happy to go together.”
Stef knew far too much about his parents’ bad marriage. “And what did you decide?”
A peaceful smile lit Julian’s lips. “Oh, I know that they would have fought to stay with me. My parents loved each other very deeply, but they would have wanted one of them to stay with me. They would have sacrificed if the opportunity had been there. I’m a grown man, and yet something settled inside me when I realized that. Our childhood can seem far away, but it is always bubbling under the surface.”
His father had left. He’d thought he was doing the right thing. And Stef wouldn’t have left Bliss, but now he wondered if he was simply waiting for something bad to happen. He was happy. He loved his wife. Why was he waiting for the other shoe to drop?
“Master? I managed to find some Scotch.” Finn had a softness to his eyes that made Stef wonder how much he’d overheard. “And I also found some sunscreen.”
Julian took the drink. “Excellent, Finn. I’ll help you with that. We’ll be back in a bit. And Stefan, you should talk to your wife. We Doms forget that our subs can hold our hands, too.”
Julian stepped away with his sub, a hand on Finn’s shoulder.
He was restless, anxious. He hated the feeling. And now he had to wonder if he was being fair to Jennifer. She was carrying his child and he was pulling away from her. Oh, sure he took care of her, but was he giving her what she really needed? He wasn’t in the moment with her. He hadn’t been able to take joy in feeling the baby kick. He certainly hadn’t enjoyed these last few months with her.
She’d asked him in a hundred different ways to make love to her, but he was afraid.
Was he going to be this much of a pussy every time something went wrong?
“Talbot! You son of a bitch!”
Stef looked up and Max Harper was stalking across the lawn, his shoulders set in an angry line. Rye was walking beside him, his face just as stern.
What the fuck had he done now? Max hadn’t thrown down with him in almost a year. And Rye never joined in their fights. Rye always talked about how stupid they were.
His hands squeezed into nice fists. Yeah, it had been a long time since he’d had a little exercise. Maybe thrashing Max would clear his head. Pounding him into the ground would feel damn good.
“Don’t you think for a second that you being nekkid is going to stop me! I ain’t afraid of your junk.” Max was in his normal boots and jeans. It put him at an advantage.
“I am afraid of your junk,” Rye declared. “No one warned me there would be man junk swinging in my face. There is only so much I’m willing to do for a friend.”
Stef ignored Rye. Max was the dangerous one. “What is your problem, you freak?”
“You know exactly what my problem is!”
Max had been Stef’s best friend for over twenty years, and for as long as he could remember, they had beaten the crap out of each other every so often. Though most people believed it was due to Max’s insanity, Stef knew the truth. He’d needed it for a long time. He’d been so shut off that he’d required the twice a year throw downs with Max as a release valve.
But he wasn’t like that anymore. He was an adult with a baby on the way. He couldn’t just fist fight his best friend. He forced himself to relax. “Max, come on, man. We’re not going to do this here. I am not going to fight you while I’m naked.”
Max was a mean shit. God only knew what he would do. Stef wouldn’t put it past Max to use his junk against him.