Self-loathing filled him. She turned and walked away, but he could only let her go.
I feel no hope…only anger and pain. Those were the last words of Marissa’s last letter before she took her life.
Chapter Seventeen
Lucan calculated that he had lain in the same position for almost six hours. Staring at the ceiling, wondering how it had all gone so bloody wrong. How could he have sunken so low as to take his revenge on a young lady that had been as sweet as Marissa? “How do I fix my fool-hardiness,” he said softly to the Reverend who had been sitting beside him in silence for the past hour.
The Reverend got up and drew the drapes allowing sunlight inside the library. Lucan cursed, and draped a forearm over his closed eyes. Imbibing so liberally upon his return had been foolish. For the second time in a decade he had gotten drunk. He looked at the bottle of brandy on his oak desk and swore then and there that never would he allow it to happen again.
“So the lady turned from you the minute you confessed what you had done,” Ainsley murmured. “I had not expected that, my friend. I can now only beg your forgiveness for what my action has wrought. I was foolishly playing matchmaker.” He ended on a grimace.
Lucan slowly stood and rang the bell. He ordered a pot of tea and some sandwiches to be delivered to the library, then moved across the room and sat behind his desk wondering how much to share with his friends. He observed Ainsley closely. The man did look contrite. His method to get Lucan to recognize his feelings for Constance was unorthodox to say the least, and it would take some time for him to forgive Ainsley the censure he caused society to levy against her.
Lucan grimaced, he was the guiltiest culprit of all. All the pain, anger and hate she felt led directly back to him. “I did not get to confess my shame.”
That had both his friends giving him their undivided regard.
“I do not understand,” the Reverend said with a frown. “If Lady Constance is not aware of the role you played in her downfall from society why did she reject you, and more importantly, why did you not confess all to her as you had planned?”
Lucan leaned back in his chair, clacking his fingers against the surface of his desk. “I did not confess because the lady was already aware. It is on the basis of my sins she has rebuffed all affections I hold for her and refutes them as lies.”
“Good God man,” Ainsley rasped. “How did she find out? You have been most discreet.”
“It hardly matters now,” Lucan said. “I have injured her beyond repair and I do not know how to fix it. What can I do to regain her good opinion?”
“I doubt you ever had her good opinion,” the Reverend countered. “She saw you in a romantic light as do all the young ladies of society. For her to so easily discredit your offer of marriage when it is the best thing for her under the circumstances does not speak of a young lady that had affections for you.”
Lucan launched to his feet and walked over to the windows. He was silent for a few moments reflecting on Constance. How she laughed, her strength of character despite being faced with such adversities, ones he had wrought. Her passion as she had expressed her contempt for his behavior. Despite having declared her love for him. Despite being so ruined, knowing society would never forgive her, she refused his hand. She refused a duke, when being married to the wealth and status he controlled would have made her sins forgotten. “She reacted as a lady who was wronged,” he said to the room at large. “As a woman who had been hurt and betrayed, and I cannot shy away from it or condemn her for it. I must either choose to move on or to fight for her.”
“And what will you do?” Ainsley asked as he moved to stand beside him.
“I want her. I realized far too late that the thought of her not in my life…at this time I cannot imagine such a future. Mayhap in time it will fade…”
“So you will fight for her?” Ainsley murmured, sounding pleased.
“I will try my damnedest and the lady still may not have me.”
“I do not believe her brothers will allow you close to her for courtship, and if Lady Constance has hardened her heart against you, how will you get the opportunity to soften it?” the Reverend asked.
Lucan was silent, thinking on Constance’s words to him.
“I do not believe I will ever be able to convince her of my affections.” No, her pain had been too real, too deep. “But I will give her what she most wants before I depart from her life.”
“And that is?” The Revered asked.
“Her place in society where she belongs,” Lucan said softly. As he made the vow, it traveled though his mind and heart. He doubted Constance would want him ever again. In fact, he realized it might be best for him to stay away from her. For he would only cause her more pain. But this he would try to give her, in the hopes that one day he might be able to absolve himself of all his sins against her.