Sins of Sevin(92)

The look in my eyes must have shown him how serious I was, because he simply nodded.

That night, Sevin helped me move my things in, setting me up in the spare bedroom. I prayed to God that it would be my last move for a while.







The next few weeks were all about adjusting to the new routine. Sevin and I were living in his home, but there was no intimacy. He was still acting closed off toward me for the most part. We’d sit and have dinner together or talk about our days, but he didn’t make any physical contact.

It was painful, but I vowed to push through, reminding myself that only through the passage of time could my intentions be proven. Even though he was being cold, I still wanted nothing more than to just be with him every day and try to give him the kind of life he always deserved.

On the way home from work at Addy’s shop, I would stop daily to purchase more items to make his house a home. Sevin’s house had a cute farmer’s porch, so I picked up some potted plants to hang up across it. I painted the white living room a terracotta color and hung several canvas paintings. I put out candles and hung up inspirational wooden words, like “home” and “hope” as well as organizing all of his music. Everything was perfect on the outside but broken on the inside.

The hardest of my efforts was the cooking. I was determined that we would sit down together to a nice meal every night but couldn’t cook for the life of me unless it was breakfast or dessert. Everything else sort of went to hell. I would intentionally race home from Addy’s to arrive before him and sift through recipes online. It was hard to tell if Sevin was enjoying what I’d make half of the time. I was pretty sure my meals were at least edible. Enjoyable might have been too much to ask from me. Dean always preferred crap food that was easy to make, like hotdogs, frozen chicken nuggets or macaroni and cheese. He never liked vegetables. So, cooking healthful and tasty food was fairly new for me.

As the weeks went by, Sevin was softening toward me a little bit, but it seemed to be at a snail’s pace. And he never touched me. Ever. That was painful. Sitting across from him at night while we watched TV, I could smell him and practically feel the heat of his body. I’d catch him looking at me when he thought I was fully immersed in a show. I knew he was holding back intentionally, that even though he wanted me, he wasn’t ready to let himself cross that line. Understanding his reasoning, though, did nothing to ease the cumulative ache building inside of me. My physical attraction to him was at an all-time high, not only because I hadn’t been touched in so long but because at nearly twenty-seven, he was truly all man and more handsome and built than he’d ever been in his life.

So, frustration was really starting to get the best of me. It all came to a head one night when the house phone rang during our TV time. Sevin got up to answer it before taking the handset into his bedroom. Bogged down by a mixture of fatigue and jealousy, I knocked on the door.

“Who are you talking to that you have to take the phone into the other room?” Before he could answer, I snatched it from him.

“Who is this?”

“It’s Nancy,” she said.

“Nancy.”

“Yes.”

About to explode, I had so many words at the tip of my tongue. But I knew that none of it was fair. She was there for him when I wasn’t. To expect him to just drop her from his life and take me in was unfair. Instead of going off on her, I gave him the phone and marched out.

Sevin was visibly upset when he emerged from the room. “She’s just a friend, Evangeline.”

“Then why did you have to walk away to talk to her?”

“Because I didn’t want to upset you.”

Having reached my wits end, I cried out, “I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what else to do to get you to forgive me. I just want to make you happy. I’m so tired. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it!”

“I wish it were that simple.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

Rubbing his eyes, he breathed out slowly. “No. I like having you here.”

“You just seem so complacent about my being here.”

“I’m trying to protect myself. There is no halfway when it comes to you, Evangeline. There never was. It’s all or nothing. Finding out about Rose rocked my entire world. I just need time to forgive you organically. It’s not something I can force. I can’t be with you until my head is in the right place again.”

“What do I do in the meantime?”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Trying to kill you with my cooking?”

We both broke out into much needed laughter.