He was silent for a while then asked, “Did you even hold her, or did you just have them take her away?” His tone was bitter.
“I didn’t feel her come out. I heard her cry, and that was how I knew she’d been born. They brought her around to me and put her close to my face. I tried not to look at her. I was afraid if I did, I’d never be able to let her go. Her skin was so soft when it brushed against my cheek. She had the sweetest smell. I went to turn my face to kiss her with my eyes closed, but they took her away too fast.”
“That was it?”
I shook my head no. “There was a 48-hour waiting period required before I was allowed to sign the papers…in case I changed my mind. I’d made it clear that they shouldn’t bring her to me, though. Sometime in the middle of the night that first night, I was trying to take a walk. The C-section left me in a lot of pain, but they told me I needed to try to move around. I ended up accidentally passing by the nursery. My mother was in there holding her. I felt like she was being such a traitor in that moment because she’d been the one pushing me the hardest to give her up. Mama had tears in her eyes. The baby was crying uncontrollably. I guess they were having trouble getting her to take the formula.”
I had to stop to sit down. This was the first time I’d ever spoken aloud about the birth, and the memories were hard to handle. While unable to make eye contact, I could feel Sevin’s pain emanating from him without even looking at his face.
“I was angry at my mother for sneaking time in the nursery when she’d been adamant about my not seeing the baby. I walked over to her and took the baby from her.” Tears started to fall freely down my cheeks just thinking about what happened next. “She stopped crying a few seconds after I took her into my arms. She somehow knew it was me.”
Sevin sat down on the bed and covered his face. I couldn’t tell if he was crying. A part of me wanted to stop the story, but he needed to know everything. It wasn’t going to be any easier telling it another time.
I wiped my eyes. “She was searching with her little mouth for my breast. My milk had just started to come in. I knew feeding her was a huge no-no given the situation, but in that moment, all that mattered was comforting my baby. I ordered my mother to get out of the room. Then, I sat down, opened up my hospital gown, and she latched right on. The nurse came in and told me to stop feeding her, that it was a bad idea to get her used to breast milk when she needed to become accustomed to formula. But I just couldn’t stop. It was all I could give her…all I would ever give her. I never imagined how much I was going to fall in love with her so quickly. I loved her so much, not just because she was mine, but because she was yours.”
The next part of the story was the hardest for me to grapple with.
“She spit up a little, so I undid her blanket to clean her…” I closed my eyes. “That was when I noticed that…” I hesitated.
“What?”
“She had a birth defect. No one had told me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The bottom half of her left arm was missing.”
“What?”
“None of the ultrasounds caught it. They said it was just a genetic blip, nothing specific that I did to cause it.”
His ears were turning red as he kept his head in his hands. Maybe I needed to stop.
He turned to me, his eyes swollen and red. “How could you give her away after that?”
The pain in my chest worsened as I forced myself to go on with the story.
“The adoptive family was told about her arm. They also found out that I was having doubts, and threatened to back out if I didn’t sign the papers soon. They said they weren’t going to wait forever only to have me change my mind. I was scared she wouldn’t have a good home. Mama kept pressuring me, reminding me of all the reasons I ran away in the first place and saying that it would be harder to find another family because of the baby’s imperfection.”
“So you did it…just…signed the papers,” he said incredulously.
“I didn’t even say goodbye to her because I couldn’t. How ironic is that? I gave up our baby in the same way I left you. So, see? All of this…it’s why I’m such a terrible person, why I deserved every bit of the type of life I’ve had since.”
“There’s no way to find out where she is?”
“Like I said, it was a closed adoption. I don’t even know the family’s last name.”
A long moment of silence ensued before he turned to me. “What did she look like?”
Telling him would be like pouring major salt in his wound, but there was no holding back anymore.