Sins of Sevin(84)

“Yeah. I always thought it was strange that she would leave Elle…to supposedly visit some cousins.”

“I also got a job waitressing at the time. That was when I first met Dean, although we never got together until after the pregnancy. He was a regular at the restaurant.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“I was really scared, Sevin. I missed you so much, yearned for you. I was carrying a part of you inside of me and couldn’t tell you. I thought I would never see you again. I know it seems like I made a rash and irresponsible decision, but it felt like I had no choice. I just didn’t see another solution at the time. I couldn’t risk my sister finding out, especially in her condition.”

“I had a fucking right to know!”

“Can you honestly say that you would have let me give the baby up for adoption?”

“I absolutely would not have.”

“And I knew that. It wasn’t fair to you. I know. But I made a decision based on what was best for my sister.”

“What about what was best for our daughter…to have her mother and father in her life?”

“I didn’t feel like I was fit to be a mother.”

“I would’ve taken her and raised her myself. Elle would never have had to find out. I could have figured out something. Fuck…it was my daughter! My daughter. I would have figured it out! God, Evangeline! Where is she?”

My heart was breaking because I didn’t have the answers he deserved.

“It was a closed adoption. I don’t know, Sevin. I don’t know. I know you hate me for this. It’s why I’ve spent every day since she was born punishing myself. I won’t ever forgive myself for what I took away from you, and you shouldn’t forgive me, either.”

I covered my face and burst into tears. I hadn’t even gotten to the hard part of the story.

After a few minutes, his temperament calmed. He leaned his head against the wall, closed his eyes and whispered, “Tell me about the day she was born. Tell me everything.”

“It was a rainy day. I started to feel some contractions while at work and called Mama right away. She’d set up a special cell phone just for my calls.”

Sevin shook his head in disbelief.

“I was really scared. I’d never been in so much pain in my life. Mama got there a few hours later, and by that time, the contractions were less than five minutes apart, so we went to the hospital. She called the adoption agent she was working with to let her know that things were happening.”

“They let you put her up for adoption without my permission?”

“We told them we didn’t know who the father was. That’s the only circumstance where the father doesn’t need to sign off on it.”

His face and ears were turning red as he muttered something to himself.

I continued, “The contractions were really bad, but I wasn’t dilating at all. They figured out it was because the baby had flipped back around in the wrong direction. She was breach. That was why everything wasn’t progressing enough for me to give birth naturally. I was so scared because they told me they were going to have to do an emergency C-section. I don’t remember much right after that.” I stood up and walked around the room a bit before continuing, stopping at the desk and leaning against it for support. “Everything happened so fast. They rushed me into the operating room, pumped me with drugs. Mama was right by my head. I couldn’t feel anything, and there was a blue divider in front of my face, so I couldn’t see what the doctor was doing. I thought about you in that moment, how you would have been there by my side, holding my hand. I wanted you there. It was so scary, but the fear was nothing compared to the massive amount of guilt I remember feeling.”

“You’re damn right I should have been there. Wherever I was, I was thinking it was just another fucking day, maybe at work or at home with Elle. All the while, you were giving birth to my child. I can’t even comprehend that. That is so fucked up.”

When he walked over to me suddenly, I instinctively backed away against the wall.

“Why did you just back away from me like that?”

“I don’t know.”

I guess after years of living with Dean, it was second nature for me to feel as though someone approaching me in anger would mean ending up getting physically punished.

“Did you think I was going to lay a hand on you?”

“I’m not sure why I did it. Maybe that was my instinct.”

“I would never hurt you like he did. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

In fact, Sevin didn’t touch me at all. I felt like I needed him to hold me but wouldn’t dare ask. He made his way back to the opposite side of the room away from me.