“We’ll be good together, Ellebell. You have a very calming way about you. You don’t let anything get to you. I need someone like that to balance me out. It’s been a tough year. I’ve had a lot of anger inside of me. But meeting you has been the best thing to happen to me in a really long time.”
She was silent for a while before she said, “I love you, Sevin.”
Elle hadn’t ever used those words before. My heart started to pound because I honestly didn’t know how to respond.
When I didn’t say anything, she continued, “I know it’s maybe too early to say that, and it’s a little strange because we haven’t even spent physical time together. But it’s how I feel. I truly believe becoming your wife is God’s will for me.”
Wow. That was profound, but I just couldn’t tell her I loved her. I wasn’t there yet. But I didn’t want to insult her or lie to her.
“That’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I hope I can live up to that.”
I was gonna damn well try.
My last month at home in Oklahoma flew by. The time was spent saying final goodbyes to friends and co-workers at the stables and spending some quality time with my little brothers, which was not typical of me. I also researched the hell out of the meatpacking industry so that I didn’t seem like a total idiot walking into Lance’s company on the first day.
The final day before I had to leave, I made sure to seize the small box my father kept hidden away which contained my mother’s jewelry and the naked sketch I’d found long ago. I was packing up the last of my things when Luke, the oldest of my half-brothers, walked in.
“Hey, buddy.”
“Don’t forget us, Sevin.”
“I promise. I won’t. You guys have each other, though. Stick together like you always do. Just remember that someday if you figure out that things aren’t exactly the way Lillian taught you, you can always come to me wherever I am. There will always be a safe place for you.”
There was a reason why I chose to say that to him. I had more than a strong inkling that Luke didn’t exactly share my vast appreciation of the female form. His mannerisms and some of the questions he would ask led me to believe that he was gay. And knowing how Lillian was, that scared the living shit out of me. I’d heard the way she spewed hate toward gay people, and I’d study the look of fear and shame on his face whenever he’d hear her talk negatively about them. If there was only one reason to stay behind in this hell hole, it was to protect Luke from her wrath. He’d once asked me why gay people were going to hell if God made them that way. That was when I knew. But Luke was only thirteen now and didn’t seem ready to admit his sexuality to anyone.
I placed my hands firmly on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. “You can come to me with anything, alright? Anything.”
“Thank you. I’ll remember that.” He hugged me tightly. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too, Luke. I’m sorry I’ve always been a shitty brother. Just know my attitude here had nothing to do with you. I love you.”
Those three words had come out very easily, and that shocked me. It was the first time I’d ever used that term toward one of my brothers. It felt right in that moment. When I spotted the tears in Luke’s eyes, it only confirmed I’d made the right decision. Poor kid had probably been starving for my affection all these years, and I’d chosen to give it to him only because I was walking out of his life.
“I love you too, Sevin.”
The next morning, I’d quickly gone to put gas in my father’s old Ford 100 pickup, which I inherited after he died. I prayed hard that it would make it all the way to Kansas without breaking down. As soon as I started earning some real money, the first purchase would be a new car.
I’d packed most of the large boxes into the truck already and was just doing a final inspection of my room when Lillian entered.
“I’m checking in to see if you’re all set.”
“Yup. I’m all ready to go. Just taking a last look around.”
“I really am proud of you for making the right decision. Your father is surely smiling down from heaven that you’ve found a nice Christian girl and that you’ll be living the kind of life that the Lord intended for you.”
“I guess,” I said, packing the last of my smaller items and keepsakes.
“Let me help you carry these last two containers downstairs.” She lifted one of the boxes.
“No! Don’t touch that.”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I’d made a big mistake. Playing it cool would have been the smart move. Instead, Lillian was now clearly aware that there was something in there I didn’t want her to see.