Sins of Sevin(41)
“I don’t have to. I just thought maybe that would make it easier for you to draw me.”
How could she think that would be safe? Did she have no clue what she did to me? “No. No way.” I snapped, “Why are you doing this?”
She looked surprised and mortified upon my adamant refusal. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I even suggested it. Forget I said anything. This was a mistake. I have to go.”
She rushed out of the room heading in the direction of the front door.
Grabbing her wrist from behind her, I said, “Stop.”
She turned back toward me, closing her eyes but said nothing.
“Open your eyes.” When she obliged, I said, “Don’t ever be ashamed to tell me what you want. I’m sorry I overreacted. The truth is that I want to draw you so badly right now that it’s scaring the fuck out of me. I just don’t think it’s a good idea, so I’m gonna say no. But please don’t leave. Stay with me.”
After a long pause, Evangeline nodded and followed me back into the living room. She sat on the couch, clutching a pillow. “Do you have anything to drink?”
“What are you in the mood for? I have soda, water, coffee…”
“I meant a drink drink.”
“I have that, but I didn’t think you drank.”
She laughed. “I don’t. But I never needed one more than now.”
Smiling in understanding, I said, “All I have is beer. Is that okay?”
“Yes.”
Cracking open a can of Bud Light, I glanced over at her. She looked beautiful in her white nightgown as she curled into my couch.
This.
This was what I wanted every night.
I poured the beer into two glasses and brought them over to her.
As we sat drinking, she said, “I feel like we need to eat something with this. Do you have any Pop Tarts?”
“What do you take me for? Of course, I do.” Grinning, I got up and put two of them into the toaster and waited before carrying her over a plate.
Her mouth was full. “These are so good.”
“I make sure to have them on hand now in case you happen to show up randomly in the middle of the night.”
“Are you serious?”
“I wish I weren’t.”
We spent the next hour playing music, going through all of my CDs one by one. She picked out songs that she wanted me to burn for her.
Sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, she sifted through my father’s old CDs and broke out in laughter. “Being here…drinking beer. There are just so many reasons why I’d be crucified for this.”
“Everyone needs a night off from that world once in a while.”
“There are way worse ways to sin than with beer, Pop Tarts and music, I suppose.”
I chuckled. “If those are your worst sins, I’d say you’re doing pretty well.”
“I only sin when I’m with you, Sevin. What does that say?”
“That I’m a bad influence. Everyone always said my mother was a sinner and a bad influence on my dad. I guess I inherited that gene from her.”
“She would be really proud of you.”
“Because I’m a sinner or a bad influence?”
“Neither. Because you’re a good, non-judgmental person like she was, and you’re a hard worker. I see you at the plant. Daddy’s always bragging about you, too. But you also show me a side of you that no one else gets to see. I’m lucky that you’ve trusted me. I’ve gotten to see your passion and your vulnerability…your need to be loved.”
“I’m pretty sure I killed the one person who would have loved me unconditionally despite my faults.”
“Is that what you believe? That you’re not capable of being loved by anyone else?”
“Unfortunately, sometimes I do believe that, Evangeline.”
“I can assure you that’s not true.” She closed her eyes, looking like she wanted to say so much more. Her voice was barely audible when she opened them and looked up at me. “When I asked you to draw me, it was because I wanted something from you that’s just mine. I can see now how beautiful your art is. I just wanted to be a part of it, experience it with you—experience something passionate with you. I know it’s wrong, but it’s something I could keep forever.”
“You want a keepsake. Because you’re leaving…”
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to.
In all those years of drawing the women, it was almost as if through practice, I’d been trying to create the perfect one to no avail. From almost the first moment that Evangeline came into my life, there was no need to imagine it anymore. Nothing that my mind could ever conjure up compared to her.