He straightens, forgetting the box he’d been packing and narrowing his eyes on me. “What?”
“I want out,” I repeat, dropping my eyes. “I love Sinner’s Creed, but I love Diem more. She needs me and damn if I don’t need her too.”
“Shady,” he starts, but I cut him off.
“When Dirk died, I lost something. The club couldn’t fill that void. I tried, but the emptiness was there. Every day I woke up, all I could think about was how incomplete I felt.” I shake my head, remembering the feeling. “Then I found her.” I smile. “From the first moment I saw her, something inside me changed. I still grieved for Dirk, but the pain was bearable. Now the only pain I feel is when she hurts.”
I finally meet his eyes, feeling guilty at the disappointment I see. But if anybody gets me, it’s Rookie. “I’m truly happy for the first time in my life. I want to live without the power and greed and killing. I want something better.”
He nods with understanding. But he’d be a shitty brother if he didn’t at least try to get me to stay. So when he speaks, I’m expecting an alternate solution. But what I get is something else. “I had Carrie before I had the club. For a long time, I thought she was all I needed. But the club gives me something she can’t.” With eyes that beg me to understand, he tells me something I haven’t considered.
“I want you to be happy, Shady. I swear I do. But I’m scared that one day you’ll look back and realize that your new life isn’t everything you thought it would be. Men like us can’t live on love alone. We’re just not made that way.”
I consider his words. Hell, I don’t doubt them. But I have to try, because I owe it to Diem. I’ve said many times that I’d give my life for her, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
Standing out of respect, I enforce my decision that I know he’ll support. “I’m leaving Sinner’s Creed. I’m gonna give Diem that life I promised. I might miss the club. One day I might hate myself for leaving it. And I’ll have to live with that. But just the thought of living one more fucking day on this earth without her hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. And that’s a pain I just can’t live with.”
He studies me, knowing he’d do the same if he ever had to choose. His jaw clenches, fighting against the same emotions I feel in my chest for this man. Next to Dirk, he’s the greatest brother I’ve ever had. I was his teacher, his leader. He felt like he owed me his life, but he owed me nothing. It was an honor to ride with him, and I know he feels the same.
With my one good arm, I pull him in. There is no pride when it comes to loving my brother. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He’s looked to me for guidance for years. He’s depended on me to carry him through the dark times. This moment is no different. So I stand strong and bear the weight of his grief. I’ll miss all my brothers, but I’ll miss him most. Losing him is the only regret I have in my decision to leave Sinner’s Creed.
Placing my lips against his, I kiss this man—my brother. It’s not a romantic gesture or a passionate kiss like I’d give Diem. This is a show of love, loyalty, honor, and respect. Where Diem was my greatest love, Rookie was my greatest accomplishment. Like Dirk, he expresses the true meaning of Sinner’s Creed by just existing. Even though I’m saying good-bye to the club, I’m leaving my mark with Rookie.
Because he isn’t just another member with a patch—he’s my fucking legacy.
32
I TAKE EVERYTHING from the cabin I can carry on my back—the important things that I just can’t live without. Standing at the door, I give one last look at the only place other than Dirk and Saylor’s that has ever felt like home. And I’m reminded that the feeling existed because Diem was there.
The four of us climb into my truck, and Carrie drives us to the airport for our flight to Jackpot. Rookie once told me that he keeps things from her. Judging by the look on her face, she’s about tired of being kept in the dark.
I give her a one-armed hug, kissing her cheek as we say our good-byes. “Till next time,” I say, giving her a wink.
She smiles. “Take care of that shoulder . . . and Diem. I kinda like her.” I smirk. I guess Diem does have a friend.
We head inside, leaving Rookie to say his good-byes that don’t go as smoothly as he probably planned. I should probably tell him that keeping her in the dark is a bad move on his part. But I wasn’t much on giving relationship advice. He’d figure it out soon enough on his own.