“Logan!” I yell, reaching for the pack of emergency cigarettes I keep behind the spoons in my silverware drawer and tapping one out. “Look, it was stupid, I know. I-”
“Did you fuck her?” Logan spits out, his voice ice cold. That tone he only takes when he’s about to fuck something up - like, in this instance, my face, the next time he sees me.
“Wha- No! Come on man!” I stick the God-knows how old cigarette in my mouth and light it, coughing on the dry, ancient smoke that fills my lungs like burning sand.
“Oh, and smoking, nice. Good fucking job, Hudson. Hell of a night you’re having.”
“Will you calm the fuck down!” I spit out, making a face. The cigarette tastes like a horse’s asshole. Well, at least what I imagine the butt of a horse tastes like at least. “Of course I didn’t, what’s wrong with you man? She’s not that kind-”
“That wasn’t meant as a dis on her, idiot. That’s ‘cause I know you.”
I suck at the horrible cigarette, feeling the bile rise in my burning throat. “The hell is that supposed to mea-”
“The guy who slept his way through half of Italy and Turkey? The guy that almost got us shipped over to the fucking U.S. State Department in Cairo because he couldn't keep his fucking dick in his goddamn pan-”
“That was a long time ago, bud.” My voice is beyond frosty. And it was. I’m a different guy now, and I’ve worked damn hard to get here.
Logan is quiet on the other end of the line for a moment, his breathing coming in regular, controlled measures. Finally, he sighs. “I know, I know man.” His voice is calmer, and he’s back to speaking to me like a normal person. “Look, I'm sorry, brother.”
“It's cool” I mutter out. That’s one thing about the three us, we might fight like the devil amongst ourselves sometime, but we’re always quick to tamp that fire out. I guess that’s what going through what we went through does to you.
“You can’t date her. You know that, right?”
I stamp out the cigarette in my kitchen sink and turn on the viking range to clear the smell of smoke out of the place. “Yeah, I know that.”
“We’re supposed to watch them, Hudson, that was the promise. To protect and help them, and make sure they’re safe.” Logan pauses. “That’s it, brother. There are other fish in-”
“Ok! I know! Fuck-” I trail off as I walk back into the massive library off the kitchen where I’ve set up my boxing bag and stare out through the tinted floor-to-ceiling windows at the New York City skyline. The old me would have loved to show off this view to any and every girl I could charm up here, but I’ve stopped all that now; because of the promise.
Well, and of course, because of her.
Except I can’t let that happen, not what I want to let happen. I toss the phone onto the couch behind me after I hang up with Logan and turn to stare back out through the window at New York. All of this - the money, the penthouse with the view, the cars, the girls, the power - all of this means nothing, really. And I don’t need Logan telling me how I can’t bring her into all of my baggage, I already know that. I already know that I can’t let her in. It’s why I pushed her away before as much as it’s killed me for five fucking years thinking about it.
I’m broken, and a girl like Reagan Archer is the last person on earth I need to sift through the pieces.
Chapter Five
Hudson
P A S T
“I can’t go back, man.” Bryce’s eyes have a wild look in them, and even though he’s technically looking at me, it’s more like he’s looking through me. He’s rocking on the balls of his feet. “Fuck man, fuck.”
Logan looks up from where he’s pulling the bits of shrapnel fragments out of my arm and meets my eyes, quietly shaking his head. “It’s not like we haven’t discussed this before, Hud.”
I nod grimly, wincing as he squirts disinfectant over the gash in my bicep he’s just pulled the piece of Humvee fender out of.
Sure, we’d all thought it before, even talked about it when it was just the three of us. Any guy out here in this fucking hell on Earth is a liar if they tell you they’ve never even thought about the idea of just lighting out of there. Following orders and saying yes is the one thing they drill into your head more than anything else in training. Fuck, saying yes is the glue that hold the entire chain of command together. You say yes, you shut your damn mouth, and you follow your fucking orders. That’s the job. You don’t debate yourself, you don’t weigh anything against whatever moral compass you’ve got spinning inside, you just do it. If the call was bad, then it was bad, but you move on.