Sinner (Shelter Harbor #1)(167)

Every one of them saying my life was a lie.

I’m trying to process what all of this means - in the scheme of life and what it means for me. In a way, a huge part of me doesn’t give a single shit what any of this says. My dad - that is, the man who loved me, and raised me, and taught me how to be who I am today? Yeah, that guy was my dad, no matter what it says on these documents. My father was the man who taught me to ride a bike, and then drive a car. He’s the man who read me stories and then college acceptance letters.

The man these papers say is my “real” father doesn’t meet a single one of those criteria. He’s a stranger. A cowardly, home-wrecking stranger.

And I want nothing to do with him, or his fucking legacy, and I want nothing to do with his guilt money.

I slump against the side of my couch, dropping my head to my hands and pushing my fingers through my long hair.

God, I wish it had been vibrators or a Nigerian prince. A mysterious inheritance from a dildo kingpin or a third world dictator would have been leagues easier than who and what this all turned out to be.

Sam Horn. The Rattlesnakes. Denver.

Landon.

This whole thing spiraled into something I never saw coming, and something I’m still not sure how to get myself out of.

“Just co-workers”, “just something casual”, “it’s just sex.”

I said all of those things, many times. To him and to myself, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of convincing myself they were true.

It’s all bullshit.

Because somehow, I fell for the man I was never supposed to. The enemy. The rival. The man I was never supposed to fall for. Somehow, something connected with us - something I’m not sure I’ve ever actually felt. But Landon is Sam. He is this team, and this whole experience, and I can’t do that.

Part of me is furious he kept the truth from me. But as I sit here on my empty condo floor, the other half of me tries to piece together the how - how do you even tell someone something like that?

And for a moment, I know he’s right. For a moment, I know he was being sensible, and for moment, I think about the decision he probably had to make concerning telling me and hurting me, and not and still hurting me.

I want to hate him. I want to be furious, and I want to feel victimized and lied to.

But in the end, there’s no anger there, only sadness.

Defeat.

In the end, I decide I’m just done, with all of it.

I don’t care about the money, or whatever Landon and I had, because it’s all just too much now, and all I want is my old life. I want my old modest apartment. I want my old bed, my plants in my kitchen window. I want my debts, and my shitty car. I want my friend.

I want the uncomplicated depression of being alone.

I stand, glancing around the empty place that never was and was never going to be home. In silence, I move to the bedroom and pull my suitcase from the closet. I fold and pack in a quiet daze, only breaking the stony expression on my face once to smile as I hold up my ruined shirt from the renaissance fair.

It stings, leaving the two of them. And there’s a part of me that hesitates, thinking of the what ifs, and the what might best. In the fantasy, I’m with Landon and Emily. In the fantasy, we’re a team - one big happy fam-

I freeze, the fantasy shattering around me as I shake my head and remember that that’s exactly what it is. A fantasy. We’re not a family, and pretending I was ever going to be part of that unit was silly and unfair.

I was never going to be Sarah. I was never going to be Emily’s mom.

That one cuts deep, and I squeeze my eyes shut, my hands tightening on the ruined shirt as I take a shaky breath.

It’s time to get out of here.

It’s time to leave this fantasy behind and get on with my life in reality.

I tuck the shirt under a pair of jeans and finish, zipping the suitcase when I’m done and hefting it off the bed and onto the floor. The elevator ride is quick, and in the building lobby, I quickly open my phone and call my friend London as the front desk guy hails me a cab.

“Hey!” Her voice is her usual cheeriness until she hears the quiet sob I can’t keep back. “Oh, God, what’s wrong?”

“I-”

I found something I wasn’t looking for, in a place I never expected.

I found something I think I always wanted, even if I thought it could never be mine.

I fell in love with the one man I never should have - the man I’m all but positive can’t love me back.

“I’m coming home,” I manage to whisper out as I nod at the doorman outside, a cab pulling up to the curb.

“I need to come home.”





Chapter Thirty-Eight





Landon




She’s gone.

I went home that first night, after the board’s decision and gave her space.