Except what if you can’t? What if you hit that one wall of your spirit inside they never got through. The wall to the part inside that keeps you human when you’re faced with the horrifically inhumane every single day?
It’s just the three of us left now from the nine of us that found ourselves in the Taliban ambush. I swallow heavily and choke back the rage as I glance back at the first of the two Humvees we rolled in with, the one that hit the IED and lit up like the fucking Hindenburg before they even knew what happened.
I look around us at the burning wreckage of the village. In war, bullets don’t discriminate between Taliban psychos trying to murder you and innocent villagers just trying to get the fuck out of the way, as much as you try to do so. I look at the bodies strewn across charred and cratered streets and in the smoldering ruins of what were homes, businesses…
…Or a school, like the one that burns quietly like a funeral pyre behind us.
Logan catches my glance and shakes his head fiercely. “That isn’t what we signed up for, man.” He follows my eyes to the burning school, neither of us knowing but both of us hoping to God it was empty. “I’m here to fight for my country, not watch bombs drop out of the sky onto fucking schools.” He spits, his face shaking.
“Drop out of the sky, right out of the sky.” Bryce is staring at the dirt in front of him and just rocking back and forth.
“So, what, we just walk away? Here in the middle of the fucking desert?”
Logan catches my eye and nods quietly. “The radio went out with that second IED hit, as far as they know back at base, the whole damn convoy got taken out.” He gives me a hard look. “This isn’t going to stop, Hudson. Every mission is going to be like this. Every mission is going to be bad guys hiding behind kids and the guys back home hammering them with bombs anyways.”
“You’re talking about desertion of duties during wartime, Logan.” I say my words slowly. “They shoot you for that.”
“I’m going to shoot myself if I have to be part of something like that!” Logan jabs his finger at the burning school across the shelled street at us, the flames still licking the burning Afghan air.
“And it’s only desertion if they think you deserted. If you’re dead, well…” He trails off and looks up at the mountains on the horizon.
“Where the fuck would we go, man? What do we do, fucking walk back to the States?”
“I don’t think we do go back, Hud, ever.”
I swallow heavily as I let his words sink in, we’d never go home.
I mean it’s not like there’s anything left for me back there anyways. It’s not like my job at the garage before I enlisted was my dream career, and the only family that still even remembers who I am is my drunk asshole Dad. If he remembers who I am between sips from that bottle, I’d be fucking shocked. Really, at this point the only family I’ve got are these two guys right here, my de facto brothers. I don’t know much about either of their lives before the Marines either, but I’ve heard enough to know they’re not much different than me.
“So, where?”
Logan’s face is grim. “Haul ass to the Chinese border, skip across and try and hook up with some of the Blackriver guys there.” He shrugs. “We’re not the first guys to do this, Hud, and the mercenary groups are always picking up guys with skills and spotty background checks.”
I grimace. “You want to be mercenaries? Out of the frying pan into the fire?”
Logan’s laugh is hollow, and it ricochets sharply off the empty streets of the village. “Look around you, man. We’re already in the fucking fire!”
Bryce looks up at Logan’s outburst, his eyes looking more focused for a moment as he nods. “We can’t go back, Hudson.”
Yeah yeah, you can never go back, as they say. Except this time, I know they’re right. I’m already a completely different man than I was before, but I’ll be damned if I let them take the rest of me. “So, that’s our only option?”
“We’re in hostile territory in an active war-zone, surrounded by countries that hate the United States and people that would kill each other to be the first to string us up or cut our fucking heads off.” Logan looks at me and his eyes soften for a second. “I don’t really see what other option we’ve got, man.”
Fuck it, he’s right and we all know it. It’s go forward or go back, and we all know we can’t go back. I turn to Bryce and nod at his twisted ankle, “You ok to walk?”
He shrugs, yanks the morphine pen out of his med-pack and stabs himself in the thigh with it “Now I am.” He grins.