Sinful Nights(58)

At first Lissa was too shocked to respond.

But  … '

Don't bother to deny it Lissa. I saw the two of you together in London-remember?'

She bit her lip. It was tempting to allow Joel to go on believing that  she was in love with Simon, for the sake of her pride if nothing else,  but if she did  …  She thought about the child she was carrying  …  Joel's  child  …  life would be difficult enough for it as it was with a father  who merely tolerated instead of loving its mother. It was better to tell  the truth.

That was a chance meeting, Joel,' she told him quietly. I bumped into  him in the street the day I went to buy a new dress for the dinner  party. I didn't tell you at the time because  … ' She laced her fingers  together and stared down at them as fiercely as though they were  something she had never seen before, concentrating on them so that she  would not have to look at Joel.

Because  … ?' he prompted, his voice steel soft.

Suddenly she felt totally exhausted, her hands relaxed, her body  slumping into the mattress. Do you really need to ask,' she said  tiredly. Please let's not play games now, Joel  … '

He was at her side in a second, his fingers cool against her  unexpectedly hot forehead, his eyes, in the brief second she allowed  hers to meet them, deeply concerned  …  so concerned that she felt she  must be hallucinating.

It was pointless feeling pain because he had not denied his involvement with Marisa, what had she in all honesty expected?    

 



 

No games,' he promised quietly, but we must talk, Lissa. I must admit  that this was not entirely the outcome I  …  hoped for when  … '

When you made love to me,' Lissa supplied tiredly. No  …  I think I understand what motivated you Joel.'

A shadow darkened his eyes, and she thought for a moment that he looked almost haunted  …  a trick of the light of course.

And understanding that  … '

She cut him off before he could go on to tell her as he undoubtedly  would that his own feelings had never been involved on more than a  merely concerned level. It makes no difference, Joel,' she told him  curtly, turning her face away from his so that he couldn't see the  anguish in her eyes. I am carrying your child, and we are both agreed  that the pregnancy should not be terminated. You don't want us to  divorce  … '

Do you?' He shot the question at her with explosive force, her head  automatically turning so that she could look at him. She had seldom seen  him look as he was doing now-as though he were fighting to control his  anger.

I believe that for the sake of the children-the girls as well as our  own child-we should stay together but  … ' She bit her lip wondering if  she dare tell him that she did not know how long she would be able to go  on as they were now without completely breaking down. Every time he  went out without telling her where he was going-every night he came home  late she imagined him with Marisa. Jealousy was a bitter corrosive  emotion and one she would far rather not have suffered from.

But?' Joel prompted harshly. His eyes glittered almost blackly beneath  thick spiky lashes. He seemed to have aged somehow, and as he walked  towards the window Lissa recognised an inner tension in his movements  that tore at her heart.

When we were first married,' Lissa began carefully, picking her words  with forethought, too aware of the delicacy of the ground she was now  venturing on to speak completely openly, we managed to get on  reasonably well, before  … '

Before I made love to you?' Joel interrupted harshly, his face oddly drawn. Is that what you were going to say?'

It wasn't, but it would suffice. She had meant before she realised the  truth about Marisa, but didn't want to say so. Her pride would not allow  her to reveal to Joel how she felt about him, or how jealous she was of  Marisa.

Well if that is all that's worrying you, don't let it. From now on our  relationship will be as sexless as that of brother and sister if that is  what you want?'

For a moment Lissa almost hated him. What on earth did he expect her to  do? Beg for his lovemaking? When she knew he loved someone else?

She turned her face away from him and said quietly, I don't think I need to answer that question, do I, Joel?'

She heard the door slam as he went out and only when she was quite sure  he was gone did she release a shuddering breath of tension.

IN THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED while it couldn't be said that there was a  complete return to the easy familiarity that had developed between them  in the early days of their marriage, Lissa was conscious that Joel was  making an effort to put their relationship back on a more relaxed  footing.

Her pregnancy test had been confirmed as positive and it was Joel who  insisted on driving her to the surgery and waiting with her until Dr  Soames had seen her.

The doctor was reassuringly matter of fact. I don't envisage that  you'll have any problems. The sickness should start to wear off after  the third month.' She went on to discuss various aspects of pregnancy  inviting Lissa to ask her as many questions as she cared to. The birth  would take place in the small local hospital which had its own maternity  wing. You'll see round that later,' Dr Soames told Lissa as she  ushered her towards the door. Don't forget, any problems  …  give me a  ring.'

I'd thought about taking you out to lunch-by way of a small  celebration,' Joel commented when Lissa gave him the news, but somehow I  didn't think it would be what you wanted.'

Remembering how acutely nauseous she seemed to be almost every time she  ate, Lissa agreed, surprised by the sudden withdrawal of his hand from  her arm, and the shuttered withdrawn expression on his face throughout  the drive back to Winterly.

It had been decided that the girls were too young as yet to be told of  her pregnancy at this early stage-plenty of time for that later, Lissa  suggested, wondering if now was a good opportunity to ask Joel about  redecorating the nursery, but he forestalled her by saying as he parked  the car, I've been thinking that now you might want your own bedroom.'    

 



 

He said it abruptly, and Lissa was conscious of a fierce stab of pain.  No one knew better than she the loneliness of a double bed when both  parties kept strictly to their own side, but to be banished to another  room. She felt helplessly bereft, and said unsteadily, Don't you think  it might seem rather odd  … ? Mrs Fuller  … '

Joel shrugged. It's your decision Lissa, I was only thinking of you.'

She took a deep breath and without looking at him said quietly, Then I  would prefer to continue as we are,' and before he could say anything  she hurried past him and into the house, glad of the noisy attentions of  the girls which put a stop to any further intimate conversation.

March died into April and April into May. Louisa had started playschool  two mornings a week and Lissa drove her there. She had got to know a  couple of the other mothers by sight and life seemed to have settled  down into an uneventful routine. Joel was punctilious about returning  home for dinner, and about spending most of the evening with her, but  Lissa was finding herself increasingly tired at night, only too happy to  go to bed early. What Joel did once she had, she daredn't even think  about. If he went to Marisa, then she didn't want to know. She knew she  was behaving like a coward, but she couldn't help it. To live with Joel  as his wife knowing he didn't really love her was agony it was true, but  to live without him  …  that would be sheer hell.

On the mornings she took Louise to playschool, Lissa normally also did  whatever shopping was needed and then picked up the little girl in time  to take her home for lunch. This particular Tuesday they were running a  little late, as she had got involved in conversation with another  mother.

As she walked into the house Lissa heard the telephone ringing, its  sharp sound cut off as Mrs Fuller obviously answered it. As Lissa opened  the kitchen door she heard Mrs Fuller saying, Mrs  …  Oh I'm afraid  she's out at the moment.' She caught sight of Lissa and then corrected  herself, No  …  she's just walked in.'

Who is it?' Lissa mouthed as she took the receiver.

A Mrs Andrews.'

The shock was so great that Lissa almost dropped the receiver. Since the  night of the dinner party she had had no contact at all with Marisa. A  cold finger of dread touched her heart. Had Joel told Marisa that she  was pregnant? It was something she hadn't been able to bring herself to  ask him.

Forcing herself to appear calm, she smiled into the receiver. Marisa?'

Ah, Lissa. Good. Is Joel there?'

Lissa's fear grew. No, I'm afraid he's not.'

Oh dear. I need to speak to him rather urgently. I've left Peter  …  It's  been on the cards for quite some time of course. I should never have  married him  …  never. But then one does such foolish things when one is  young  …  Joel has always understood.'