At first Lissa was too shocked to respond.
But … '
Don't bother to deny it Lissa. I saw the two of you together in London-remember?'
She bit her lip. It was tempting to allow Joel to go on believing that she was in love with Simon, for the sake of her pride if nothing else, but if she did … She thought about the child she was carrying … Joel's child … life would be difficult enough for it as it was with a father who merely tolerated instead of loving its mother. It was better to tell the truth.
That was a chance meeting, Joel,' she told him quietly. I bumped into him in the street the day I went to buy a new dress for the dinner party. I didn't tell you at the time because … ' She laced her fingers together and stared down at them as fiercely as though they were something she had never seen before, concentrating on them so that she would not have to look at Joel.
Because … ?' he prompted, his voice steel soft.
Suddenly she felt totally exhausted, her hands relaxed, her body slumping into the mattress. Do you really need to ask,' she said tiredly. Please let's not play games now, Joel … '
He was at her side in a second, his fingers cool against her unexpectedly hot forehead, his eyes, in the brief second she allowed hers to meet them, deeply concerned … so concerned that she felt she must be hallucinating.
It was pointless feeling pain because he had not denied his involvement with Marisa, what had she in all honesty expected?
No games,' he promised quietly, but we must talk, Lissa. I must admit that this was not entirely the outcome I … hoped for when … '
When you made love to me,' Lissa supplied tiredly. No … I think I understand what motivated you Joel.'
A shadow darkened his eyes, and she thought for a moment that he looked almost haunted … a trick of the light of course.
And understanding that … '
She cut him off before he could go on to tell her as he undoubtedly would that his own feelings had never been involved on more than a merely concerned level. It makes no difference, Joel,' she told him curtly, turning her face away from his so that he couldn't see the anguish in her eyes. I am carrying your child, and we are both agreed that the pregnancy should not be terminated. You don't want us to divorce … '
Do you?' He shot the question at her with explosive force, her head automatically turning so that she could look at him. She had seldom seen him look as he was doing now-as though he were fighting to control his anger.
I believe that for the sake of the children-the girls as well as our own child-we should stay together but … ' She bit her lip wondering if she dare tell him that she did not know how long she would be able to go on as they were now without completely breaking down. Every time he went out without telling her where he was going-every night he came home late she imagined him with Marisa. Jealousy was a bitter corrosive emotion and one she would far rather not have suffered from.
But?' Joel prompted harshly. His eyes glittered almost blackly beneath thick spiky lashes. He seemed to have aged somehow, and as he walked towards the window Lissa recognised an inner tension in his movements that tore at her heart.
When we were first married,' Lissa began carefully, picking her words with forethought, too aware of the delicacy of the ground she was now venturing on to speak completely openly, we managed to get on reasonably well, before … '
Before I made love to you?' Joel interrupted harshly, his face oddly drawn. Is that what you were going to say?'
It wasn't, but it would suffice. She had meant before she realised the truth about Marisa, but didn't want to say so. Her pride would not allow her to reveal to Joel how she felt about him, or how jealous she was of Marisa.
Well if that is all that's worrying you, don't let it. From now on our relationship will be as sexless as that of brother and sister if that is what you want?'
For a moment Lissa almost hated him. What on earth did he expect her to do? Beg for his lovemaking? When she knew he loved someone else?
She turned her face away from him and said quietly, I don't think I need to answer that question, do I, Joel?'
She heard the door slam as he went out and only when she was quite sure he was gone did she release a shuddering breath of tension.
IN THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED while it couldn't be said that there was a complete return to the easy familiarity that had developed between them in the early days of their marriage, Lissa was conscious that Joel was making an effort to put their relationship back on a more relaxed footing.
Her pregnancy test had been confirmed as positive and it was Joel who insisted on driving her to the surgery and waiting with her until Dr Soames had seen her.
The doctor was reassuringly matter of fact. I don't envisage that you'll have any problems. The sickness should start to wear off after the third month.' She went on to discuss various aspects of pregnancy inviting Lissa to ask her as many questions as she cared to. The birth would take place in the small local hospital which had its own maternity wing. You'll see round that later,' Dr Soames told Lissa as she ushered her towards the door. Don't forget, any problems … give me a ring.'
I'd thought about taking you out to lunch-by way of a small celebration,' Joel commented when Lissa gave him the news, but somehow I didn't think it would be what you wanted.'
Remembering how acutely nauseous she seemed to be almost every time she ate, Lissa agreed, surprised by the sudden withdrawal of his hand from her arm, and the shuttered withdrawn expression on his face throughout the drive back to Winterly.
It had been decided that the girls were too young as yet to be told of her pregnancy at this early stage-plenty of time for that later, Lissa suggested, wondering if now was a good opportunity to ask Joel about redecorating the nursery, but he forestalled her by saying as he parked the car, I've been thinking that now you might want your own bedroom.'
He said it abruptly, and Lissa was conscious of a fierce stab of pain. No one knew better than she the loneliness of a double bed when both parties kept strictly to their own side, but to be banished to another room. She felt helplessly bereft, and said unsteadily, Don't you think it might seem rather odd … ? Mrs Fuller … '
Joel shrugged. It's your decision Lissa, I was only thinking of you.'
She took a deep breath and without looking at him said quietly, Then I would prefer to continue as we are,' and before he could say anything she hurried past him and into the house, glad of the noisy attentions of the girls which put a stop to any further intimate conversation.
March died into April and April into May. Louisa had started playschool two mornings a week and Lissa drove her there. She had got to know a couple of the other mothers by sight and life seemed to have settled down into an uneventful routine. Joel was punctilious about returning home for dinner, and about spending most of the evening with her, but Lissa was finding herself increasingly tired at night, only too happy to go to bed early. What Joel did once she had, she daredn't even think about. If he went to Marisa, then she didn't want to know. She knew she was behaving like a coward, but she couldn't help it. To live with Joel as his wife knowing he didn't really love her was agony it was true, but to live without him … that would be sheer hell.
On the mornings she took Louise to playschool, Lissa normally also did whatever shopping was needed and then picked up the little girl in time to take her home for lunch. This particular Tuesday they were running a little late, as she had got involved in conversation with another mother.
As she walked into the house Lissa heard the telephone ringing, its sharp sound cut off as Mrs Fuller obviously answered it. As Lissa opened the kitchen door she heard Mrs Fuller saying, Mrs … Oh I'm afraid she's out at the moment.' She caught sight of Lissa and then corrected herself, No … she's just walked in.'
Who is it?' Lissa mouthed as she took the receiver.
A Mrs Andrews.'
The shock was so great that Lissa almost dropped the receiver. Since the night of the dinner party she had had no contact at all with Marisa. A cold finger of dread touched her heart. Had Joel told Marisa that she was pregnant? It was something she hadn't been able to bring herself to ask him.
Forcing herself to appear calm, she smiled into the receiver. Marisa?'
Ah, Lissa. Good. Is Joel there?'
Lissa's fear grew. No, I'm afraid he's not.'
Oh dear. I need to speak to him rather urgently. I've left Peter … It's been on the cards for quite some time of course. I should never have married him … never. But then one does such foolish things when one is young … Joel has always understood.'