Sinful Nights(56)

 



 

Compassion! She checked a bitter little laugh. There had been precious  little of that between them these last few days. In fact if she hadn't  seen that other side of him she would never have believed it existed.

Lissa.'

She turned at the sound of Joel's voice, abrupt and grim. It's for you,' he told her, holding out the receiver. Guess.'

Simon? Ringing her, but why, Lissa wondered, automatically getting up and walking over to the phone.

Joel moved away the moment she reached him. He looked angry, she  noticed, his mouth compressed. A spurt of defiant anger welled up inside  her. If it was permissible for him to have his affair with Marisa then  what right had he to look so annoyed simply because another man  telephoned her.

She turned her back on him, holding the receiver close to her ear.

Lissa is that you?'

Yes, Simon.'

Look, I'm just ringing to apologise for the other day. I know I was out of line.'

Lissa listened absently to his apologies, conscious all the time of Joel's presence in the room.

How about lunch one day just to show that I'm forgiven,' Simon suggested.

Lunch?' Lissa turned round and met the coldly condemning look in Joel's  eyes. She took a deep breath. Yes, why not,' she agreed gaily. I'll  give you a ring, shall I?'

They chatted for several more minutes, although when she eventually  replaced the receiver, she couldn't have said what they talked about. A  feeling of almost frightening exhilaration had lifted her out of her  previous misery, and she knew it came from knowing that at least if she  did not have the power to move Joel to love, she could move him to  anger. She was flirting with danger, she warned herself as she sat down  again, avoiding Joel's eyes, but why not? Joel didn't want her himself  …   so why should he get angry because he thought someone else did.

She already knew the answer to that question, Lissa reminded herself.

Joel had made it plain enough when they married that he expected and  intended to have her fidelity. But then she had expected something in  return from him. Not love perhaps, but loyalty at least  …  an attempt to  preserve the fiction that they had married because in part he cared for  her. She had not expected to have his mistress flaunted openly in front  of her without any show of concern about how she might feel.

She had half expected Joel to tackle her about Simon's phone call, but in the event he said nothing, and somehow that was worse.

As the days passed Lissa had the distinctly unpleasant sensation of  something hanging ominously over her, a sensation too uncomfortably  reminiscent of her childhood for her to bear it easily. She was also  still suffering from nausea, and an acute nervous tension, which she  knew she was communicating to Louise. The little girl had become  clinging and petulant, and while Lissa fully understood and sympathised  with her insecurity, the constant succession of broken nights they were  enduring with Louise's recurrent nightmares were beginning to take their  toll on her. Joel was so cold and distant towards her that she could  hardly believe that they had ever really been lovers. He spent far more  time away from the house, often going out in the evening and returning  late. Lissa never questioned him as to where he had been, her stubborn  pride refusing to allow her to let him see how much he was hurting her.

One week went by and then another. She had lost weight and there were  dark circles under her eyes. Mrs Fuller who could not have failed to  notice the atmosphere that existed between Joel and herself, and his  constant absences, said nothing, but Lissa was acutely aware of her  silent sympathy. It struck her that being a local Mrs Fuller might be  quite aware of Joel's relationship with Marisa, and that too stung her  pride.

She had intended to start Louise at playschool, but she herself felt far  too lethargic to do anything about it. The last week in March, the  temperature suddenly dropped several degrees, and Joel, for once  appearing for dinner remarked that he felt they could expect snow. He  frowned slightly as he said it, and Lissa guessed he was thinking of the  safety of the stock.

Lissa had never realised until these last few weeks how lonely and cold a  double bed could be when it was shared with a man one loved who felt  nothing but indifference tinged with anger in return.

Are you  …  are you planning on going out again tonight?' She wished she  hadn't voiced the impulsive question when he frowned. For a moment she  thought he didn't intend to reply and then he said suavely, Why, had  you got something planned yourself?'

His blatant indifference and coldness towards her defeated her. She  wanted to talk to him, to plead with him to discuss the state of their  marriage and what future if any he envisaged for them. The sudden change  in his attitude towards her was still something she hadn't really come  to terms with. There were days when she felt completely muddled, unable  to understand why he had changed from the tender considerate lover to  whom she had given her heart and body to this cold, withdrawn man he was  now. Maybe it was because he felt guilty about making love to her,  seeing it as a betrayal of his love for Marisa? Maybe it was as she had  originally thought, that he feared she would read into his lovemaking a  greater emotional commitment than he was prepared to give her. Either  way there was only one way she would learn the truth and that was for  him to tell her, but he continually blocked all her attempts to talk  seriously to him on any subject other than the children. What hurt  almost more than all the rest put together was that to the girls he was  still the same loving, compassionate person he had been right from the  very start, underlining for her, if she had needed that doing  …  that it  was her and her alone that brought out the cold distance in him she was  now experiencing.    

 



 

Lissa went to bed early while Joel was still out. She heard him come in  and move about the bedroom, preparing for bed. Lying beneath the  bedclothes she trembled with aching tension longing for him to turn to  her and take her in his arms, but knew even as she did so that she was  longing for the impossible. She closed her eyes, squeezing back weak  tears. Sooner or later she would have to tell him of her suspicions that  she was carrying his child. What would his reaction be? It was  impossible to doubt his love for Louise and Emma, and in other  circumstances, had she been Marisa for instance, she had little doubt  that the news would have overjoyed him. But she was not Marisa, and the  fact that she was to have his child would create another tie between  them  …  a tie she was sure he would not want. She bit down hard on her  bottom lip. If she was pregnant there was nothing she wanted more than  to have his child  …  but how could she bring it into the world knowing  how Joel felt about her?

The first thing Lissa noticed when she woke up was the pure clarity of  the light streaming in through the curtains. As she sat up and glanced  curiously towards the window, Joel walked in from the bathroom. His hair  clung damply to his scalp, moisture beading his bare chest. He had  wrapped a towel round his hips and Lissa felt the beginnings of  reactionary sensations erupt inside her. It was a physical effort to  drag her gaze away from him. Her heart was thudding heavily, her mouth  dry.

I see it snowed during the night,' Joel commented, flicking back a  curtain, his comment explaining the unfamiliar brightness. Only a  couple of inches by the looks of it, but there's more on the way. We'll  need to make arrangements for feeding the stock in case it gets worse.'

Over breakfast, Louise's excitement about the snowfall successfully  covered the empty silence between them, Mrs Fuller coming and going with  toast and coffee. Lissa noticed the dry crackers on her own plate and  the weak cup of tea. Thankfully most mornings Joel had left their  bedroom before she actually got up, and so far had not noticed her brief  bouts of nausea. She couldn't go on ignoring her symptoms any longer,  though, she admitted, deftly preventing Emma from overturning her cereal  bowl. She would have to make an appointment to see the doctor.

Once that mental decision had been made it was easier to ring the local  surgery and make an appointment, which she did as soon as Joel had left  the house. She couldn't go on for much longer with the present  situation, and nor could she tell Joel of her suspicions without making  any attempt to have them confirmed.

Mrs Fuller had gone out to do some shopping, taking both girls with her,  and when the receptionist offered her an almost immediate appointment,  Lissa took it.

As she stepped outside it started to snow again, small flurries at  first, increasing in density so that by the time she had reached the  main road it was snowing quite heavily. Fortunately there was very  little traffic on the road, but when she skidded slightly on one sharp  bend Lissa began to wish someone else was driving. Living in London had  blinded her to the dangers of adverse weather conditions, and her  stomach muscles tensed protestingly as she switched her windscreen  wipers on to fast in order to clear her window. The doctor's surgery was  in the nearest town, in the opposite direction from the small village  where Mrs Fuller had taken the girls, and the road to it was a narrow,  little used one.