Sinful Nights(46)

I shouldn't have told you.' She was mortified now by what she had  revealed to him, unable to fully comprehend the reasons for the  emotional outburst which she knew had been the release valve, allowing  her to tell him the truth.

But you have.' He looked at her in silence for several seconds, and  then said abruptly, Is that why you agreed to marry me? As some sort of  punishment  …  Or at least is that part of the reason?'    

 



 

He was far too astute, Lissa thought hollowly. Initially,' she agreed,  in an expressionless voice. She felt far too drained to endure any more  emotions. But only because you had made me so very angry. Once my anger  had cooled I wanted to retract, but then there were the girls to  consider  …  I thought it would pay you back, you see,' she said simply,  but of course once my temper had gone I realised how stupid I was being   …  After all, it wasn't even your fault that I  … '

No  …  it wasn't my fault at all,' Joel agreed harshly. No  …  I can't be  blamed for condemning you out of hand, can I, Lissa? After all, I wasn't  fifteen, was I? I was well into my twenties  …  and naturally it is  perfectly understandable that I should have destroyed the fragile  illusions of someone little more than a child  …  that I should have  accepted someone else's valuation of you without forming my own. No, of  course I can't be blamed. Like hell I can't,' he added bitterly, turning  away from her. Like hell.'

For a moment there was silence, while Lissa struggled to come to terms  with Joel's savage reaction to her disclosures. She had seen him exhibit  tenderness and concern for his nieces; and she had known there was a  gentler side to him, but she had never expected this devastating  reaction to her revelations; this rage of anger directed against  himself.

At last he said curtly, And so what now? Do you want the marriage annulled? It could be.'

Did she? With a sudden, stifling leap of her heart Lissa knew she did  not without quite knowing why. All she could manage to say was a rather  unsteady, Do you?'

What does that mean?' Joel questioned. That you wish to stay married to me perhaps, but in name only, because of the girls?'

Gratefully Lissa seized on the opening he had given her. Yes  … ' she  agreed quickly. Yes  …  I couldn't bear to lose them now. I feel that  they need both of us, Joel, just as you said but of course, now that you  know that  …  that I  …  that  …  '

That I can't make love to you,' he supplied harshly for her.

Yes  …  yes,' Lissa agreed hurriedly, If because of that you want to be free  … '

She found during the silence that followed that she was holding her  breath, hoping that he would not say that he wanted to end their  marriage she acknowledged inwardly.

I owe you some recompense,' he said at last, and if marriage to me is  what you want, Lissa  …  then that is what you shall have, but there is  one thing I shall insist on.' He looked at her and then said coolly, We  must continue to share this room. As much for the girls' sake as  anything else. They've already been through far too much. You of all  people will know how sensitive and quick children can be. They're used  to their parents sleeping together and I believe that if we show any  deviation from that pattern it could cause Louise more anxiety.'

Lissa nodded her head slowly. There was something in what Joel was saying, and what he asked was very little.

What?' he queried when she assented. No demand for my solemn promise that I won't touch you?'

Lissa looked at him in surprise. But why should you want to?' she asked  him, genuinely puzzled. You can hardly want me now. You're forgetting,  Joel,' she reminded him wryly, I know exactly how off-putting men find  my  …  my disability. I know you said you wanted me, but that was when  you thought I was sexually experienced  …  able to respond to you  … '

Yes, so it was,' he agreed quietly, and just for a second something  intangible, a fleeting expression in his eyes made a frisson of  sensation run down her spine. Before she could analyse it, it was gone,  and then Joel was saying curtly, Lissa, tell me have you ever discussed  any of this with anyone else  … '

No.' She looked at him in fresh surprise. Somehow I've never been able to.'

I see.' He wasn't looking at her and Lissa was sure she must have  imagined the tiny thread of satisfaction running through his voice  because when he did look at her, his face was carefully devoid of all  expression.

It's been a long day,' he said quietly. I think we should both try to  get some sleep.' He picked up the now cold cup of tea he had made her  earlier and said calmly, I'll go down and make us both a nightcap while  you get ready for bed,' and Lissa knew that he was telling her that he  was giving her the privacy to get undressed and into bed without him  being there. She was grateful to him for his understanding, she thought  tiredly as she slid between cool sheets a little later, and yet as she  closed her eyes and tried to court sleep, the memory uppermost in her  mind was of the emotional and physical sensations she had experienced  when Joel held her in his arms.    

 



 





CHAPTER SIX


BUT YOU HAVEN'T KISSED Lissa "goodbye".'

They were having breakfast in the kitchen, the scene a homely familiar  one, Emma struggling with her cereal in her high chair while Louise sat  between Joel and herself. Joel had an early meeting with one of his  tenant farmers and he had already finished his breakfast. He had stood  up to kiss Louise goodbye'-a formality she insisted on every morning,  and it was her shrill, piping complaint that drew Lissa's attention away  from Emma. Both of them were on their guard for any signs of insecurity  from Louise, and over the top of her blonde head their eyes met in  mutual concern. Since the night she had admitted the truth to him Lissa  had found herself much more relaxed in Joel's company; much more able to  appreciate the side of him she had previously thought reserved only for  others. He was a compassionate caring man, and a very strong one as  well, she acknowledged. He had talked to her on several occasions about  her past, drawing her out in a way that afterwards had the power to  amaze her. She had found herself confiding things to him that she had  never dreamed of telling anyone, but conversely the closer she felt  drawn towards him the greater pains he seemed to take to preserve a  distance between them. And somehow that hurt, even though it should not  have done.

Kiss Mummy,' Emma announced, spooning cereal liberally into and around  her mouth. While Louise alternated in calling them Lissa and Joel and  Mummy' and Daddy', Emma, too young to have any deeply lasting memory  of her parents, had quickly transferred their titles to Lissa and Joel.

Both of them had agreed to let the girls call them whatever made them  feel most comfortable, but it did something to her heart, Lissa admitted  wryly, to hear Emma addressing her as Mummy'. She loved both girls  with a fiercely protective maternalism that still half surprised her.  They had entirely different personalities; in Louise she detected  certain of her own personality traits, together with, quite  surprisingly, some of Joel's, while Emma was completely Amanda's  daughter.

Conscious of Louise's critically appraising scrutiny, Lissa obediently  lifted her face in the direction of Joel's as he bent towards her. His  mouth touched her cheek, his lips cool and firm, and a tiny shiver ran  through her. She started to pull away, but his hand curled round the  back of her head, his thumb tilting her jaw. For one surprised second  her eyes stared into his, noting that close to they weren't flat,  metallic gold at all, but warm and alive, glittering with topaz depths  and then his mouth was on hers and instinctively her eyelashes fluttered  down, her heartbeat surging into a faster tempo. Her body melted into  soft pliancy with a swiftness that startled her, her lips enjoying the  tactile sensation of Joel's moving against them. His grip on the back of  her neck suddenly tightened and for a moment Lissa thought that he was  actually going to kiss her properly, but then he released her stepping  back, his mouth twisting in a derisive smile that reminded her of the  old Joel she had resented so much.

Daddy gone,' Emma exclaimed mournfully as the kitchen door closed  behind him, and Lissa automatically directed her to finish up her  breakfast, at the same time unable to stop her fingers from touching her  still tremulous mouth, startled by the realisation that she had  actually wanted Joel to kiss her. Why  …  why should Joel be able to  arouse inside her a physical response that she was unable to give to  anyone else?

It was probably because he knew the truth, she told herself and that  because of that she was able to relax with him  …  knowing that she had  nothing to fear; neither his anger nor his rejection. And after all he  was an extremely attractive specimen of the male species she reminded  herself wryly. She had grown so used to seeing Joel in his role as  caring and concerned father-figure-cum-confessor that she was beginning  to lose sight of the fact that he was also an extremely virile, sensual  male. The thought was a disquieting one. At the moment Joel felt guilty  enough about the past, and concerned enough for her and the girls for  them to absorb all his spare time, but what would happen in the future  when they were not such immediate concerns? When the girls were secure  enough not to need so much attention? He was not a man she could ever  envisage living like a monk  …  So he would take a mistress, a tiny voice  told her coolly. What else could she expect? How could she object? How  indeed? But more important why should she want to object? She didn't  want Joel as her lover  …  did she?