Sinful Nights(45)

Lissa!' He ignored her demands, striding towards her, catching hold of  her arm with strong fingers. Panic exploded through her in wave after  wave of sheer terror. She was back at the party, fifteen again, only  this time Joel wasn't just looking at her, he was touching her, hurting  her physically as well as mentally. She gave a thin, high scream of  pain, grateful for the deep heavy black void that opened up to receive  her and grant her oblivion.

LISSA OPENED HER EYES reluctantly and stared round the shadowed bedroom.  Where was she? Suddenly she remembered and she shuddered. This was  Joel's room. No, their room, she corrected herself, bitterly. He must  have brought her here after  …  after she'd fainted. She must get away  …   She must escape before he hurt her any more. She sat up groggily,  swinging her feet to the floor.

Lissa!

The peremptory command in his voice as Joel walked into the room froze her. He was carrying a tray with a cup of tea on it.

Drink this.' He put the cup down on the bedside table nearest to her,  And then you and I are going to talk.' He looked so grimly angry that  Lissa started to tremble; her teeth chattering together as wave after  wave of fear shuddered through her. She heard Joel swear and saw him  come towards her, holding out her hands to ward him off. And then  suddenly and unnervingly she was crying  …  deep, wrenching sobs that hurt  her chest and made her whole body shake.

 Shush  …  shush  …  it's all right  … ' Unbelievably being rocked in Joel's  arm, with the warm pressure of his body against her own, created inside  her an intense sensation of security and comfort. She wanted to cling to  him Lissa realised numbly, to burrow against him and let the soft words  he was murmuring soothe and relax her. But it was Joel who had provoked  the emotional storm now racking her; Joel with his cruel jibing tongue  who was responsible for her pain. It was also Joel who was easing it,  she acknowledged hazily, Joel was making her feel cherished and cared  for.

By the time the tearing sobs were under control she had recovered enough  to want to pull away from him, deeply embarrassed and confused by her  own behaviour, but Joel wouldn't let her, subsiding on to the side of  the bed, and taking her with him, still holding her in his arms.

Now,' he said quietly, I want to know what all that was about.'

Lissa managed a tight smile. Oh just another trick in my repertoire,' she told him brittley. Very effective isn't it?'

For a long moment he simply looked at her, and then he said quietly,  Extremely effective; so much so that I find it impossible to believe it  was fabricated. And so no doubt you are going to tell me, was your  faint.' He watched the colour run up under her skin and said  sardonically, Exactly.

I've seen fear before, Lissa, and I've seen panic, and I know when  they're genuine. What I don't know is why I should invoke them so  forcefully in you.'

Now there was no going back. She would have to tell him, Lissa knew, and  coupled with apprehension and reluctance was also relief. She wanted to  tell him; she wanted to be rid of the emotional burden she was  carrying.

Lifting her head she answered simply, Because you want us to be  lovers,' and was rewarded by a physical reaction every bit as violent in  its own way as her own had been. Dark colour burned up under his skin,  stretching it somehow until it was pulled sharply over his cheek bones.  His eyes glittered darkly with a mixture of anger and something else she  couldn't put a name to, his fingers curling round her wrist as he said  grimly, You have a hell of a way of putting a man down, Lissa. I won't  ask what it is that bars me from joining the ranks of those fortunate  enough to enjoy your favours-I dare not  … '

No  …  no  …  you don't understand,' Lissa interrupted impetuously,  determined now that she had committed herself to honesty to go through  with it. It isn't you  …  at least, it is, but  …  Oh look, Joel, let me go  right back to the beginning.'

He released her wrist, and watched grimly as she moved back from him, putting a distance between them.

I can't let you be my lover  …  or indeed any man be my lover because  …   because I  …  find the thought of sex  …  What I'm trying to tell you is  that I'm  …  I'm frigid,' she said flatly at last. I've never had sex  with anyone, Joel,' she told him forcing herself to look at him and  forestalling what she knew he must be going to say by saying quickly,  Yes, I know you must find that hard to believe but it's true. That  night, that party, when I was fifteen  …  that was the first time  … ' She  swallowed, trying to concentrate on a piece of wallpaper safely taking  her eyes away from Joel's and allowing her to continue her story without  having to look at him and see how he was reacting.    

 



 

Nothing really happened  …  just a little very light petting  … '

Your father told me you were wildly promiscuous,' Joel broke in curtly. Are you trying to tell me  … '

My father and I didn't get on  …  I was extremely rebellious  …  but never  in that way. My parents disapproved of my crowd of friends. I'd been  forbidden to go out that night  …  but I disobeyed them-for the first and  last time,' she added wryly. My father was an extremely strict man.  Amanda knew how to get round him, but I didn't have the knack. You see,'  she said with painful honesty, I was never what he wanted in a  daughter, I wasn't blonde and small and cuddly like my mother and Amanda  and  …  Oh well, no doubt much of it was my fault, because I never tried  to conform to what he wanted me to do  …  You see I wanted him  …  both of  them to love me for what I was  …  not as another Amanda, but you know how  teenagers are, I couldn't articulate any of this to them. My father  disapproved of teenagers anyway  …  Every time he read about teenage  misdemeanours in the press he used to go on about it  …  I wasn't  promiscuous at all  …  I suspect he confused you with what he no doubt  described as my appalling behaviour; he did rather have a tendency for  exaggeration. Of course the fact that I'd disobeyed him and then been  found by him in the circumstances that I was  …  It was all quite innocent  really, but he would never believe that  … '

I had no idea.' Joel was frowning now. He'd described you to my  parents as extremely rebellious and wild. When he asked me to come with  him and fetch you back from that party, I naturally assumed  … '

The worst!' Lissa supplied briefly. Yes  …  I can understand that.'

So, given, that at fifteen you were innocent of the crimes attributed  to you, I don't see  … ' He frowned and then said slowly, Lissa, are you  trying to tell me that you're still a virgin?'

I'm afraid so  …  Oh, not by choice,' she assured him grimly. Being  virginal at fifteen is one thing, being in the same state at  twenty-three is quite definitely another, but  … ' She got up off the bed,  and paced the floor tensely, now that she was faced with telling him,  at a loss to know how to.

But what, Lissa?' It was plain that Joel was completely bemused, And  don't try telling me that it is through lack of opportunity.'

No, not that,' Lissa agreed drily, but because of what happened at  that party I seem to have developed a mental block where sex is  concerned. No matter how much I might think I want to make love when it  comes to it I can't, because all I see is  … '

Your father's angry, disapproving face,' Joel guessed tersely, his mouth compressing grimly. Yes, I can understand that.'

Just for one cowardly moment Lissa was tempted to agree and let matters  go at that. Her heart was thumping crazily with a mixture of adrenalin  and reaction. She wanted to take the way out Joel was unknowingly  offering her, but something, some stubborn quirk of pride would not let  her, and so instead she shook her head.

No?' Joel frowned. Then what? Tell me, Lissa? What?' he demanded  getting up and taking hold of her. What?' he repeated, watching as she  touched her tongue to dry, stiff lips.

You,' she choked out at last, refusing to look at him, her body tensing  against his grip as she pulled instinctively away, fearing his  reaction, dreading that if she did look at him she would see in his eyes  the contempt that had haunted her dreams for so long. I see you,' she  repeated instead in a low, tormented voice, and you look at me with  such contempt and dislike that I  … ' She started to shake again, dimly  aware of Joel cursing as he released her.

Me? Lissa, look at me!' His hands gripping her face forced her to do as  he wished. He was nearly as pale as she was herself but this was a  different pallor, and Lissa shrank beneath the raw fury she could see  glittering in his eyes until he said tersely, No, Lissa  …  Don't be  frightened.'