Sinful Nights(44)

Having assured him that Louise seemed quite recovered, Lissa let him  ring off. There was no reason in the world why she should feel this  sharp stab of something very close to disappointment, no reason at all  and yet she did. It came to her then, as she walked back to the girls  that she had always enjoyed their encounters in the past and that she  had actually derived a certain savage pleasure in her confrontations  with Joel. Shaking her head over the complexity of her own emotions she  tried to dismiss him from her thoughts.

By the time she had got the girls bathed and in bed, Lissa felt  extremely tired. She had telephoned the local paper during the afternoon  to place an ad' for a cook-cum-housekeeper, and she had also spent  some time exploring the house.

Although much of the decor was not to her taste, the house itself  appealed strongly to her, and as she wandered from room to room she  found herself mentally refurbishing them, making plans for a future here  she was not sure she had. What would Joel do if she told him the truth?

If? Lissa grimaced inwardly. There was no if about it. She had to. She  had come to that decision during the afternoon. Now that the fierce  hunger for revenge which had eaten away at her had gone, she knew she  had little alternative. Joel was not the monster she had always told  herself he was. She had only to see him with the children to know that,  and Lissa knew that much of the resentment and bitterness she had  hoarded against him had had its roots in her feelings towards her  father-he was the one who had rejected her, but because at fifteen she  had been unable to cope with such ambivalent feelings towards her  parents as love and resentment, she had focused her resentment on Joel.  She sighed faintly. She was not telling herself anything she did not  already know. Several years ago she had made herself re-live the  traumatic years of her teens and had taught herself then to analyse what  she had experienced, but she had never totally thrown off her hatred of  Joel  …  Until now.

Too emotionally restless to settle she wandered tensely from room to  room, pausing occasionally to study a portrait or an object without  really seeing them. It was one thing to know and accept that much of her  resentment of Joel was something she had transferred from her father's  shoulders to his, but that did not explain away the sexual trauma she  experienced whenever she was with someone else. Why should it always be  Joel's image that rose up to taunt her when another man held her in his  arms; why not her father's angry, forbidding features?

And why the overwhelming complex tangle of emotions she experienced  whenever he was close to her? Both were questions she could not answer,  any more than she could turn back time and control the tide of anger  which had swept her into this marriage in the first place.

At last she settled in the sitting room, switching on the television but  watching it without taking anything in. It was too early to go to bed  yet-she would never sleep, and the evening stretched emptily ahead of  her. The house felt different without Joel in it. What was the matter  with her she chastised herself. Good heavens how many evenings had she  spent alone in her London flat without feeling the slightest desire for  anyone else's company?

She curled up in one of the easy chairs, tucking her feet underneath  her, gradually letting the tension ease out of her body. As soon as an  opportunity presented itself to her, she must tell Joel the truth. If  she didn't and he went through with his intention of making her his wife  physically as well as legally he would discover some of it at least for  himself anyway, and the childish desire for revenge which had carried  her into their marriage now seemed childish and incredibly foolish. What  good would it really serve either of them for him to discover the hard  way that physically she was unable to respond to him, other than to  prove how wrong his judgments of her were? The satisfaction she would  gain would be nothing when set against her embarrassment and  mortification. It had been very hard for her to accept that some vital  element of her femininity had been destroyed, and she couldn't bear to  lie and watch the vagrant tenderness she had thought she glimpsed in his  eyes this morning, turning to bitter contempt. She had experienced the  angry and frustrated reactions of too many men already for her to be in  any doubt about Joel's.    

 



 

And worse he would guess that she had deliberately withheld the truth  from him and why. She had seen a different side of him these last few  days; one she had never guessed he possessed, and it caused a strange  yearning emotion inside her.

Her eyes closed and she let her thoughts drift, ranging backwards in time and then forwards, gradually relaxing into sleep.

Lissa?'

She woke with a start, looking uncertainly towards the door which Joel had just opened.

The unexpectedness of seeing him there disorientated her. She glanced at  her watch, surprised to realise how long she had been asleep. It was  gone twelve o'clock.

Joel!' she exclaimed in a sleepy, surprised voice. What are you doing back?'

She tried to move as she spoke, gasping in pain as pins and needles  attacked her legs. Her own fault for falling asleep with them tucked up  like that.

Perhaps I couldn't bear to stay away.'

Joel's hands on her wrists, firmly folding her hands in her lap before  they moved to her legs, shocked her into immobility. He spoke calmly  enough, his voice so devoid of inflection that it was impossible for her  to interpret whatever motive lay behind what he was saying. Was he  being sarcastic, or simply making a light joke? She shivered, as his  fingers touched her skin, rubbing the tingling sensation away.

Are you all right?'

Now she could hear something in his voice, concern and something else  she couldn't name, that made it rough and slightly husky. She could tell  that he was frowning without looking up at him, and guessed that he was  aware of her tension; of the way she tried to escape his touch.

Fine,' she lied, giving him a brittle, tight smile. I think I'll go up   … ' She squirmed away from him, hoping he would move, but he kept his  hands either side of her on the chair arms.

Something is wrong. What is it, Lissa?' He turned away from her  abruptly, but she was too tense to get up. It's too late now for second  thoughts; for wishing that I was Greaves.'

I don't  … ' The denial was blurted out before she could retract it, and  she felt a curious twist of emotion curl through her heart as he frowned  down at her; a combination of fear and an excitement she could not  analyse; a tiny thrill of apprehension.

No? But you did shrink away from me,' he told her softly. Why, Lissa?  Oh I know there's always been a degree of antagonism between us, but  you're not naive, you know as well as I do that it's an antagonism  sparked by mutual desire.' He looked grimly at her, and continued before  she could speak. Neither of us might be proud of desiring the other,  but I know if we're honest that neither of us could deny it.'

He caught the small sound she choked back and stared at her, watching the colour drain out of her face.

Lissa, for God's sake.' He sounded more angry than concerned and Lissa  flinched back from him as he added, Let's stop the play-acting shall  we? A physical relationship between us was part and parcel of the deal  when you agreed to marry me. You knew that  … '

Are you trying to tell me you married me solely because you wanted to  go to bed with me?' Lissa was proud of the cool way she threw the taunt  at him.

Don't be ridiculous. You know damn well I didn't. After all why the  hell should I go to such lengths to secure something other men-plenty of  other men have had for  … ' He caught her hand just before it connected  with his jaw, gripping her wrist so tightly that it hurt. Cut out the  injured innocent bit, Lissa  …  it doesn't suit you.'

She was practically trembling with rage and yes with pain too, hating  him for what he was saying to her; for revealing to her how he really  viewed her. It was intolerable, unbearable  …  and to think she had  contemplated telling him the truth! She could not endure to stay here a  moment longer  …  The girls  …  all the logical calm thinking she had done  during the day were forgotten  …  Nothing was more important than escaping  from Joel and the agony he was causing her.

Let me go.' She rubbed her aching wrists, as he released her,  scrambling off the chair and moving on shaking legs towards the door.

Lissa  … '

Don't touch me!' Her throat was so tight with pain she could barely  speak, her voice a husky whisper of torment. Don't come anywhere near  me! I'm leaving, now  …  this minute. I  … ' To her bitter humiliation tears  clogged her throat, filling her eyes, and threatening to flood  humiliatingly from her eyes. She felt so weak and alone  …  desperate for  some haven in which to hide away from him, and yet knowing she had none.