Looking at the situation from Joel's point of view it would seem all too logical that their relationship was a physical as well as legal one no doubt.
Hell,' he swore briefly, I've forgotten something. Back in a minute.'
While he was gone Lissa dived into the bathroom, cleansing her face quickly and rushing into her nightdress. When she opened the bathroom door he still hadn't returned, and she scrambled into the huge double bed, firmly pulling the bedclothes up around her, tensing as the door opened.
Under his arm Joel was carrying an ice bucket and a bottle of champagne, two glasses in his hand. He raised his eyebrows queryingly as he put it down and a tiny ache began somewhere deep inside her. How would she be feeling right now, if things were different … if she loved Joel and he loved her … She could not deny his thoughtfulness and caring, and she could also sense the effort he was making to give their marriage some semblance of normality. Now she dreaded him knowing the truth for a different reason. She felt as though she were the one cheating him. But he had not married her for herself, she knew that. He had married her because she was the girls' aunt.
She heard the champagne cork pop and watched nervously as he filled the glasses. She had to sit up to take hers, and she could feel his eyes on her as she clutched the sheet to her body. The bubbles tickled her nose, making her catch her breath.
Here's to us, Mrs Hargreaves,' Joel toasted softly. Shall we forget the past, Lissa, and have a new beginning?'
If only she could! If only she were really Joel's chosen bride, confident of his love … The thought jolted through her making her tremble. What was she thinking? It must be the champagne, she thought dizzily. She didn't want Joel to love her. Why should she?
He disappeared into the bathroom, and she listened to him moving about, every muscle tense, her body aching with dread. Memories from the past threatened to swamp over her, and when Joel finally emerged from the bathroom, she could only stare at him with unseeing eyes. He was wearing a towelling robe, his legs bare beneath the hem, she noticed, her glance skittering away and yet somehow drawn back to his body. She was twenty-three for God's sake, she derided herself mentally, not fifteen. But deep inside herself she was still only fifteen, locked for ever in the torment of a nightmare that featured this dark-haired man, who was now shedding his robe and getting into bed beside her.
Lissa?' He tensed suddenly and for a moment Lissa thought he must have guessed the truth, but then he was frowning, throwing the bedclothes aside and pulling on his robe.
I can hear one of the girls crying,' he told her tautly. Listen.'
CHAPTER FIVE
IF ANYONE HAD ever told her that she would spend her wedding night comforting a distraught four-year-old she would never have believed them Lissa thought tiredly, glancing at her watch. Four o'clock in the morning and they had finally got Louise off to sleep.
You go back to bed,' Joel told her. I'll sit with her now.'
It had taken both of them to calm the little girl out of her nightmare fears, but she had clung fiercely to them both once she was awake, refusing to let them go, only when Lissa had promised to stay with her, had she finally allowed Joel to go downstairs and make her a drink. Now she was sleeping at last, like Emma who had fortunately remained fast asleep throughout the whole thing.
As she crawled back into Joel's bed, Lissa reflected with niggling impatience that she ought to be feeling relieved that Louise's timely nightmare had occurred, but instead what she did feel was something almost approaching a sense of anti-climax. Surely she couldn't have wanted Joel to make love to her? Of course not … Then why this strange restless sensation that was gripping her, when in reality all she ought to be doing was dropping into an exhausted sleep?
Joel woke her at seven o'clock. A dark shadow covered his jaw and his hair was ruffled untidily.
Sorry to wake you,' he apologised, but I've got to be at the factory at nine-a meeting that was arranged some time ago. I'll have a shower and get changed … If you could keep an eye on Louise, although I think she'll be okay now.'
Has she had many nightmares like that?' Lissa asked him. He looked tired and drawn and she had a crazy impulse to touch him, to smooth the lines of tiredness away from his eyes.
None quite as bad as that.' He turned towards the bathroom and Lissa slithered out of bed, tensing as he turned round unexpectedly and came over to her. Her nightdress was a long one and demure, but the bright February sunshine made the fine cotton almost transparent and the way Joel was looking at her made it impossible for her to move, even when he reached out and gently pulled her towards him.
Good morning Mrs Hargreaves,' he murmured against her ear, his breath tickling her skin, sending tiny shimmers of sensation coursing over it. That was some wedding night, wasn't it?'
She turned her head opening her mouth to respond, her words silenced by the warm pressure of Joel's lips caressing her own. Shivers of something that was not entirely fear raced through her. She made an inarticulate protest, surprised to find that Joel was holding her quite tightly, drawing her against his body, so that she was aware of the heavy thump of his heart and the warmth of his skin, and then she pulled away relieved when Joel released her.
Perhaps you're right,' he muttered smiling at her. There isn't time now for me to make love to you as I want to. Surprised that I should desire you, Lissa?' he asked apparently reading her mind with ease.
I thought you didn't like me … that you disapproved of me … ' She made the admission slowly, still a little stunned to find that her mind clung obstinately to the memory of how his mouth had felt against hers.
He studied her quietly for a moment and then said slowly, Perhaps neither of us entered this marriage for the most altruistic of reasons, Lissa, but we are married, and I vote that as from now we put the past behind us, and make a completely fresh start.'
When seconds ticked by without her making any response, he released her almost abruptly, his eyes darkening, and his expression losing the elusive tenderness she had thought she glimpsed in it, and reverting to that she was more used to seeing-hard and unyielding, but Lissa was too stunned by her own thoughts and emotions to pay more than fleeting attention to Joel's tightlipped anger. Her heart was still thudding heavily with the shock of discovering how close she had come to agreeing with Joel's suggestion. Put the past behind them! She suppressed a half hysterical sound of pain in her throat. If only she could! But Joel didn't know what her past really was; and it was folly almost to the point of madness to allow herself to even think of responding to the half whimsical, half tender entreaty his words had seemed to hold. She must be going crazy, she thought over an hour later, still unable to banish Joel's image and his words from her brain. He made her feel vulnerable in a way that no other male had ever been able to do, and whilst Lissa acknowleged that much of this vulnerability sprang from the past; at least some of it was new. Shivering slightly she paced the kitchen floor. What was happening to her? Why after all these years of hating and resenting Joel was she now seeing another side to him; a side she had never imagined existed? Why … last night she had almost envied Louise because of his tenderness towards the little girl. She curled her fingers into the palms of her hands, swinging round abruptly and going upstairs. Emma was awake, but Louise was still asleep, worn out by the trauma of her nightmares.
Since they were now without a housekeeper she would at least have plenty to occupy her hands if not her mind, Lissa reflected grimly when she had washed and dressed Emma.
But keeping her hands busy did nothing to still the restless tension of her thoughts. She had been a fool to marry Joel … she couldn't have a normal marriage with him. Even at the thought of it odd tremors raced over suddenly hot flesh, her body trembling as though he were already touching it, caressing her … Emma gazed round-eyed at her as she suddenly clapped her hands over her ears and groaned out loud. What was happening to her? Why was she feeling like this? Why now after all these years was she suddenly experiencing this conflict within herself?
By lunchtime Louise was awake, and Lissa had just settled both girls down to a light meal, when the phone rang.
The sound of Joel's voice on the other end of the line made the tiny hairs on her arm stand on end, his curt, Lissa, is something wrong?' making her glad that he could not see her pale face and betraying eyes.
I'm just a bit tired that's all,' she told him coolly.
He asked about the girls and then told her that he had to go up to London on business and would not be back until the morning.