Sinful Nights(42)

But that did not answer her question, Lissa reflected thoughtfully. It  showed why he might want to marry her; but not why he should want that  marriage consummated. Unless perhaps he wanted a son  …  For some reason  that thought made her heart beat faster, her mind's eye all too easily  conjuring up the image of a small dark-haired baby with Joel's golden  eyes.

Perhaps if she simply said nothing and let him discover  …  Shivering she  pushed the problem out of her mind, coating her mouth with a soft lip  gloss and then getting up. The more she dwelt on what lay ahead the more  tense she got. If she carried on like this Joel was bound to realise  something was wrong. What if he became furious and insisted on having  their marriage annulled? Could she bear to lose the girls now?

Lissa?'

The sound of his voice outside her door made her jump up from the  dressing table and hurry across the room. Coming,' she called out,  huskily, opening the door, coming to a full stop as she realised that  Joel too had changed. Her eyes widened a little over the formality of  his crisp white shirt and dinner suit, and then colour flooded her pale  skin as she realised that he was studying her, his glance lingering  appreciatively on the curves the lilac jersey seductively revealed.

Why the embarrassment?' he asked, touching her cheek lightly with his  finger. Surely by now you must be used to men finding you attractive.'

I  …  I never think of myself that way.' She had made the admission  before she was aware of it, adding more to herself than to him, I was  always so gawky and plain as a teenager, especially compared with Amanda  and my mother.'

 …  that in an effort to prove to yourself and them that you were  attractive you flung yourself into bed with every available male that  came along?' Joel finished for her, but there was no accusation in his  voice, no contempt either, Lissa noticed. In fact, if anything, the only  emotion she could hear was a certain wry sadness. She risked a quick  glance at Joel and found that he was smiling at her.

I  …  I always felt that my parents preferred Amanda to me,' Lissa heard herself admitting huskily, much to her own astonishment.

Yes, I know what you mean,' Joel agreed. John was always very much my  father's favourite and there was a time when I over-reacted against that  favouritism in an effort to draw my father's attention to myself.'

They had reached the top of the stairs and Lissa felt a wave of  fellow-feeling towards him engulf her. She turned towards him but he  forestalled her questions by saying quietly, We must make sure that  neither Louise, nor Emma  …  nor indeed any children of our own we have,  suffer that same burden.'

Instantly the rapport between them snapped as Lissa contained a shiver  of fear and drew back slightly from him, her eyes unconsciously  darkening. Who are you thinking about Lissa,' Joel grated. Simon  Greaves? Then forget him,' he snapped. You're married to me, not him.'

The abrupt change from compassionate fellow human being to arrogant male  unnerved her, and she hurried down the stairs, turning towards the  kitchen.

Warm, enticing aromas greeted her, but the wooden kitchen table was bare  of all utensils. As she turned automatically to open drawers and  collect cutlery Joel stopped her. It's all done,' he told her coolly,  adding, I thought we'd dine in style tonight-in the dining room. You go  through and sit down, and I'll bring the food.'

It was a novel experience for Lissa to be waited on by a man, but Joel  did a superb job so calmly and efficiently that she must have betrayed  her surprise, because he paused to smile at her and explained, I was in  the army for a couple of years after leaving Oxford and if it taught me  nothing else, it taught me to be self-sufficient.'    

 



 

Lissa was surprised. She'd always thought that Joel had gone straight  from university into his father's firm, and it was disturbing to realise  how little she knew about him; and how guilty she was of having  preconceived ideas about the type of man he was.

Like you, as a teenager I was rebellious,' he further explained whilst  they were eating. I wanted to travel  …  to see a little of the world  before I settled down to the life my father wanted me to lead. I've  always been more interested in the land than in industry, but as I was  the eldest my father expected me to take over from him in the business.  Later of course the situation resolved itself, but at twenty-two I  couldn't see that far ahead and so I opted out-joined the army more in  defiance of my father than anything else, but it's something I've never  regretted. It  … '

Made a man of you?' quipped Lissa lightly, wanting to change the  intimacy of their conversation, alarmed by the sensations and emotions  he was arousing inside her. She didn't want to feel sympathy for him  …   she didn't want to feel anything. She wanted to hang on to her  resentment and dislike. For some reason she needed to hang on to them.  Why? she asked herself and knew the answer was because she felt it would  be dangerous for her to get to know and like this man who was now her  husband. Further than that she was not prepared to go.

Not in the sense that I suspect you mean.' Joel's mouth twisted  slightly and Lissa knew she had been successful in destroying his  relaxed mood. More wine? You've barely touched yours. Don't you like  it?'

The plain truth was that she was too tensed up to enjoy her meal at all,  but dutifully she sipped the rich, ruby liquid, feeling it warm first  her throat and then her stomach, relaxing over-taut nerves.

It was gone nine before they had finished their leisurely meal-or at  least Joel had finished, she had done little more than toy with hers.

Coffee?'

She shook her head tensely. No  …  no thanks. I'll take these things out to the kitchen.'

I'll give you a hand.'

There was something disturbingly intimate about being in the ktichen  with Joel, his easy, competent movements somehow pinpointing the uneasy  tension of hers. When every last cup and plate had been cleared away he  said easily, Why don't you go and check on the girls while I'm locking  up? Oh and Lissa,' he added, less casually as he opened the door for  her. Remember it's my room you're sleeping in tonight.'

Now was her time to tell him the truth, but Lissa knew that she  couldn't. Trailing reluctantly upstairs she tried to convince herself  that he might not notice her coldness; that it might not be as bad as  she envisaged; that thousands upon thousands of women before her had  endured the unwanted possession of the male sex. But Joel thought she  was experienced and even worse eager for sex. Well he would soon learn  the truth. All the fierce triumph she had felt at the thought of him  being confronted with her innocence had gone, and a wild trembling  seemed to seize hold of her limbs. She checked automatically on the two  sleeping girls, leaving on the night-light in case one of them woke. The  nursery was still relatively unfamiliar to them, and although on the  surface they seemed to be accepting their parents' death, who knew what  terrors their subconscious minds might harbour.

Knowing she could delay no longer Lissa turned in the direction of her  own room, quickly gathering up her nightdress and robe. She daredn't  linger here, because she wouldn't put it past Joel to come looking for  her, and that was a humiliation she could not endure. She did not want  to add cowardice to all her other faults.

Joel was already in the room, and he paused in the action of removing  his shirt to look at her. The glow from a lamp illuminated the warm  bronze of his skin. His chest was shadowed with a line of dark hair and  Lissa felt her stomach plunge and twist crazily as though she were  riding a switchback ride. No doubt most women would think she was crazy  to fear Joel's possession so much. He was after all an extremely  attractive man, and not just physically, she was forced to admit. He had  a tender, gentle side to him that suggested that he would be a skilled  and caring lover  …  A shudder washed over her, and watching it Joel  frowned.

Lissa opened her mouth to tell him that there was no way she could go  through with making love with him, but he anticipated her, shrugging off  his shirt and coming across the room to take her hands in his. This  close she could feel the heat coming off his body, smell the male scent  of him, and she quivered nervously, her eyes huge and dark.    

 



 

Nervous? Me too,' he said softly.

Her surprise showed in her eyes and he added raspingly, Lissa, I am  human too you know. I know quite well that you've married me for the  sake of the girls and that reason alone; that right now I am not the man  you want in your bed, but we could have a good life together  …  children  of our own  … '

But  …  but what about love,' Lissa heard herself croak in an unsteady voice.

His hands dropped away from hers and he turned away from her. Can you  honestly tell me that you've loved every man you've taken to your bed?'  And as she heard the iron bitterness in his voice Lissa knew that her  chance to tell him the truth was gone.