Since I Fell For You(64)
She shook her head. She gestured to her food. “Want half?”
“Sure.” He took it, then said, “Want to talk about what’s wrong?”
Normally, she’d say everything was fine, that she was up because of a problem she was having with her code. Anything to make sure that her father never had to worry about her. But she couldn’t tonight. Not after that kiss.
And not when she’d longed for a moment like this with her father her entire life.
She put the sandwich on a side table. “I’m confused.”
“About Roman?”
It shouldn’t surprise her that he’d figured it out so fast when pretty much everyone she’d spoken to tonight had commented on the sparks between them. Even Buck, with whom she’d danced half the night, had immediately accepted that he couldn’t compete with her feelings for Roman.
When she nodded, her father put his sandwich on the other side table. “What happened?”
He had never asked her such a direct personal question. She hoped this meant things really were starting to change between them.
“I didn’t want Roman around at first, at least, not as my bodyguard. But I’ve come to really like and respect him. And—” This was kind of weird to talk about with her dad, but she didn’t want to hold back now that he finally seemed ready to connect. “Well, there’s an attraction between us that just won’t quit, even though he’s hellbent on keeping our client/bodyguard relationship strictly professional. But though he’s one of the most honorable men I’ve ever met, something happened between us tonight.”
Her father tensed up beside her as she ventured into TMI territory, but he didn’t immediately flip out and start raging the way Alec had. Instead he remained silent, letting her process her thoughts. It reminded her of Harry, who never stomped over the silence the way she and Alec so often did.
“I stopped Roman from resigning after he kissed me. And I stopped the boys from firing him too.” Her heart was in her throat as she said, “I can’t stand the thought of his leaving. Of never seeing him again.” Again her father remained quiet as she tried to make sense of all the thoughts, the feelings spinning around inside. “All my life I’ve been so rational, especially about the men I date. But with Roman, I’ve never felt less rational. I almost wonder if the wedding is messing with my mind. Because even though I love these family weddings, every time I go to one, I can’t help but wish for someone special for myself. Someone to say all those lovely vows to. Someone who wants to say them to me too.” She would have laughed at herself if she could have. “What if that’s all this is? Just post-wedding longings?”
As if he understood that she’d gotten everything out, her father finally spoke. “Do you really think that’s all this is?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t always around when you were a kid—”
“Dad, you don’t have to keep apologizing.”
“I do. And I will. But right now I’m trying to be the father I should have been a long time ago by reminding you that the words I don’t know aren’t in your vocabulary. More than any of the other kids—heck, more than anyone else I’ve ever known—you don’t stop until you get exactly what you want.”
That gave her pause. “I wish I could be clear-headed and rational about Roman the way I am with everything else.”
“Love doesn’t work like that, honey.”
She turned so quickly to see if he was serious that she nearly gave herself whiplash. “Love.” The word croaked out of her throat. “You think I’m in love with Roman?”
“Back when you were in high school, you were the only girl who was more passionate about computers than boys. I expected that to change, but it never really did. Not until Roman came into your life. Because I never saw you look like this with any of the guys you’ve dated. I’ve never heard you sound like this when you talk about any of them. And I’ve definitely never seen any of them look at you the way Roman does.”
Maybe it would make her father uncomfortable if she asked him this, but she needed to know. “How does he look at me?”
“Like he’d do absolutely anything for you. Like the moon and the sun both revolve around you.” Her father’s lips curved up at the corners. “Like he loves you too.”
Longing and panic battled within Suzanne as her father reached for her hands and gripped them tightly. “I wish things had been different for you and your brothers. I wish your mother and I hadn’t made such a mess of things. I wish we’d showed you what healthy, sweet, good love looks like so that you’d recognize it when you found it yourself.”