"Have a good night, Jem," Carter said.
Jeremy gave a bright smile. "You too, gov'nor."
Carter rolled his eyes, hopped down from the truck, and made his way into his guest cabin.
He looked around, surprised at how unkempt the place was. He'd really taken his fuck adulthood bit all the way. He was still living out of suitcases and carry-on bags. Dirty clothes were piled up and there were dishes in his sink from the few times he'd eaten there in the last month. He shook his head.
Never in his short life had Carter lived in such chaos. It may seem a small thing to others, but Carter didn't do things like leave the beds unmade, he had been a soldier. Or kiss a man in his truck, there was paparazzi. And he sure didn't have flings.
The first two, he could work on. The third, he wasn't ready to change. There was a time limit enough in regards to Jeremy, mere weeks left before life and duty would call him back. He thought of Jeremy and how the man was honestly making an effort with his family, even if it was in gradual steps. And Carter felt chastened by the fact he had let himself get so angry at his parents-and at himself, if he was honest-that he let himself go, in a proverbial way.
Suddenly not as sleepy as he had been, he began to organize his clothes, putting away the clean ones and dropping the dirty ones into a hamper to take up to the main house tomorrow. He had been acting like a spoiled asshole for long enough.
Maybe getting other things in order would help him figure out truly what his next move would be, then maybe he could figure out where Jeremy fit in the new order of things. Because it would be nice not to let the man go.
He would not get his hopes up. He still thought Jeremy might have hang-ups over Troy. Just the name made Carter want to gnash his teeth. But he had to be stable again for himself, then he could possibly convince Jeremy their friendship might be stable enough-together- to see if something might come from keeping in touch once they had left here.
Because seeing Jeremy so happy, so quiet tonight because he'd been as content as he'd been thoughtful, had Carter certain he was feeling more than mere lust for the man. Always had, if he was being honest.
He looked over at the clock, realizing it wasn't too late. Step one in getting everything back in order required some heavy lifting and some planning.
Squaring his shoulders, Carter retrieved his phone from his pocket and dialed. On the second ring, he got a, "Hello, sweetheart. I was just thinking about you."
He tamped down on a bitter I'm sure you were, and instead said, "Hi, mom. I thought we could talk."
She sighed. "All right." There was a shuffling and she mumbled something about holding her calls. "Sorry. I'm still in the office." Of course she was. But more gently than Carter was accustomed, he heard, "I'm all ears."
"I don't want to get into everything over the phone. And I'm not apologizing for leaving for a while-"
"I don't expect-"
"No, let me finish." He paused, waiting to see if she would try to talk over him again. When she didn't, he continued. "Mom, I love you. But I'm really pissed right now. And probably not about what you think."
"You'd be surprised how succinctly Ella let me know why you're pissed. And for the record, I don't blame you. Neither does your father. He didn't know I'd told you to … God, I'm a horrible mother."
"But a brilliant politician," Carter said with more levity than he felt.
"I'd say a pretty typical politician, letting my son down, justifying that it's for the greater good. And Carter, I know it's not. I did mess up."
"But you want to retain your seat?"
She was silent for a beat. "Unless I'm forced out by legal means, yes. But if you're wondering if I'm saying the other things simply to get your help with that, absolutely not. Even if I don't entirely blame you for thinking it."
"I don't. Honestly. I never thought you were … that person. I think that's why you telling me not to come out was such a surprise."
"It was-"
"A mistake. I know. I'm trying to forgive. I'll be back home in time for summer classes. I think I'm getting a better clue about what I'd like to do with my life. We'll talk more seriously then. It's still hard to be civil."
"But that's my little Carter," she said, regretfully. "You'd never ever been one for histrionics. Or emotional outbursts. You leaving was so out of character. I'm ashamed how we handled it."
Carter was finished with his understanding for the night. He was worn out again, tired to the bone. "I'll let you know for sure when I'll be back in New York. Maybe I'll layover in D.C. first."
After they had hung up, Carter was surprised how much weight he had lifted off his shoulders. Still, inside him, there was a little boy who wanted to scream and kick and yell at his mother for all the times he had been alone or wanted a hug or just wanted it acknowledged he was gay and that was okay. Because she had never really said it.
But he was a grown man. He had made his choices, his parents had made theirs. The rest might be something for a therapist to figure out, but Carter could say, aside from being a bit directionless, that he wasn't unhappy with his life. Not as unhappy as he had thought months ago. He may not have been out publicly, but his nearest and dearest knew, and he had made sound decisions about whom he had given intimate parts of himself to. And call it antiquated, but he was still glad about that. Even if this thing with Jeremy was just a fling, his most intimate firsts had been with someone he cared about.
His phone buzzed, a picture message from Ella. It was a picture of her socked feet propped on their coffee table in their apartment in New York, wine glass and a cheese plate beside them. Fancy Fridays aren't the same without you.
And for the first time, Carter could admit to himself that he was missing his life. He loved the break, he loved his time home, but he missed his apartment and his things, and he missed the routine of classes and the gym. And pretty images of Jeremy in his bed having wine and cheese with Carter and Ella on Fridays was enough to chase Jeremy into a restful, if a little hopeful, sleep.
13
"Wait, wait, wait," Chris said, snatching Carter's phone from Sarah's hand. Chris's first dinner with the parents had come and gone, and in the week since, he had spent a couple of afternoons hanging out at the ranch.
Carter reached for his phone, but Chris held it back. Carter looked imploringly at Sarah and Jeremy, but they were both too busy laughing to be of any assistance. Carter was glad to see Jeremy smiling again-even if it was at his expense. He may have looked at the man a moment too long, but Jeremy just winked, still smiling, before Carter tried to get his phone back again.
Since the "date night", Jeremy's thoughtfulness had melted away into that same old camaraderie they had shared the previous weeks. But there was something new to it. There was something more relaxed and open, and he had this kind of quiet peacefulness around him that hadn't truly existed until that night out.
Or maybe it was just Carter's wishful thinking, and having gotten some of the chaos in his life straightened out. He'd insisted to his mother that he would stay a few more weeks, and that when he came back, while he wouldn't do any big interviews or anything, he was officially living his life out and proud and Ella was free of her cloistered life as his fake-but-not-confirmed girlfriend. He even thought he had figured out what he wanted to do with his training, where he wanted to focus his schooling.
But right now, he would deal with the pain in the ass at hand. "It's just a thing we do," he said, realizing he was whining, which didn't help.
"You're telling me that you, who was all quiet at camp, who grew up to be a big, bad army boy … ." Chris was laughing again and missed his chance to block Carter from finally taking his phone back and shoving it in his pocket.
"It's just wine, geez." Carter crossed his arms and settled in front of the small bonfire they had started, sipping on his beer.
"Yeah, Red. Just wine. And cheese. And Golden Girls reruns," Jeremy teased.
"Et tu, Jem?"
"You call it Fancy Fridays!" Chris snickered. Carter turned his nose up and drank more.
"You guys, stop picking on him." Sarah turned to Carter. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have teased." She glared down her brother and her boyfriend. "You wouldn't be making fun of him for not conforming to gender stereotypes, would you?"