It was too late. The pain, as he forced himself on me, was too intense, too painful, too sickening. My world and my body were ripped apart.
I wanted to cry out. To scream at him to stop, but my voice was lost.
I don’t know how long it went on. It felt like it lasted forever. I know it didn’t, but it felt like I was falling into hell. The more he pushed, the closer to hell I got. The devil was right there with me, bringing me down into hell with him. I didn’t know how much more I could handle. Finally, I felt my hands become free of the bind around them.
“Get dressed,” he ordered. I obeyed as quickly as possible. I didn’t want the chance of anything else happening to my body or me. Once I buttoned my shirt and tucked it into my dress, I scooted off the desk and nearly lost my balance as my knees buckled. It hurt so much between my legs. More tears fell, hitting the ground. I caught myself with the edge of the desk right before my knees hit the ground.
Standing back up, I wrapped my arms around myself, not knowing what to do. I looked at him, past him to the door.
As if reading my wind he said. “I wouldn’t try to run if I were you.”
He walked closer to me and I tried to back up. I couldn’t. The desk was directly behind me. He grabbed the back of my neck pulling me into an embrace. Any other embrace would have been warm and comforting. This wasn’t one of those. He kissed my cheek softly then moved to my ear. I shivered.
“If you ever tell another soul about this encounter, you will not live long enough to regret it.” His tone is ice. I tensed, and my breath caught in my throat.
“That is a promise, Shannon. Nod if you understand me.” I immediately comply.
Releasing me, I ran before it registered in my head. I was opening my car before I realized it. Once I was safely inside, I still didn’t think. If I’d allowed myself to think, then I’d have to remember it all over again. I never wanted to remember any of it. I wanted to forget about the hell he took me to.
When I finish recounting all the horrible details to Nick, I’m crying on Nick’s chest. His shirt is soaked with my tears. He has a death grip on the end of his shirt that I am wearing, but I don’t care. I can’t control the tears anymore now, than when it happened ten years ago. I don’t dare look up at him. I’m too scared of the look that might be on his face. Does he believe me? Does he think less of me? Does he believe his father is even capable of rape?
“What about today? What did he do before I got here?” I lift my head off his chest, and I meet a set of blue glassy eyes surrounded by red. He’s crying. Wet streaks run down each side of his face. I know he believes me.
“He tried,” I tell him as a lone tear falls, rolling down the right side of his cheek. His eyes close briefly. “He didn’t though. Niko bit him as he put…as he forced his fingers inside me.”
“Oh God…” Nick grabs me, pulling me closer as he presses his face in my neck. His body begins to shudder as he cries harder. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I let this happen.”
“Nick, don’t. This isn’t your fault,” I try to tell him.
“My own father raped you not only once, but twice, and I let it happen. You can’t say this isn’t my fault, because it fucking is.”
“He didn’t today. Your dog stopped it.”
“Not soon enough. He forced himself on you, in you. That’s fucking rape!” he yells out through his tears. I realize in that moment that he’s right. It is. He might not have put his penis in me, but he did rape me with his hand. My own tears begin to flow again. I close my eyes, put my face in the nook of his neck and sob.
TWENTY-ONE
My eyelids flutter open to the morning sun shining in through the bedroom windows. Looking down, I see two ink-covered arms wrapped firmly across my chest. Nick’s arms are warm. My back is aligned with his front, and his right leg is draped over my hip. I’m cocooned in his embrace. I feel protected and safe. Relief floods my body, and I know it is because of the secrets I shared with him. I only wish I had done it a week earlier, but I can’t change the past. I can only accept it and move forward.
I don’t remember getting into bed last night, so I assume Nick brought us, since the last thing I can recall is lying across his chest on the couch, sobbing. We were both crying. I must have been too exhausted. I’m still wearing his white button-up shirt and my panties.
I feel him tighten his hold around me, and then he places a light kiss on the top of my head. I take a deep cleansing breath. It feels nice to have him back with me. His touch is warm and relaxing. It’s my home. I never want to lose this again.