“Shannon, I need you. I need you like I need the fucking oxygen I’m breathing right now. Whatever it is that you couldn’t tell me last week, just say it. Just tell me already. Please.” He releases the shirt, moving his hands to hold me at my waist. I have to do this. I have to find whatever strength I have left and tell him…everything. I have to do this for us, for our child. I just pray we have a future when it’s all said and done.
“I’ll try, because I need you, too. Because I love you.” He stills and I think he stops breathing. “I know the woman isn’t supposed to say that first, but I’m tired of not saying what I feel. The way I feel for you is crazy. It’s heartbreaking. It’s uncontrollable love. I love you, Nicholas Lockhart.”
“God, you know how to cut a man down to his fucking knees. I never knew I wanted to hear those words until you just said them. I’ve loved you from the moment I laid my fucking eyes on you,” he tells me and my heart swells. I lean forward and kiss him on his lips. He takes control and deepens the kiss. I could do this for the rest of my life and be content. I love him so damn much.
He releases my lips and leans his forehead against mine. “Whatever it is, we will get through it. I promise.”
I believe him, and I’m ready to get this out. Nothing can stay buried forever. Secrets always come out, and no matter how much someone tries to forget, there are things in one’s past that are too great or too tragic to forget. The only thing you can do or control is yourself. You have to be honest and hope that those you love are there to help you get past the hurt.
“I’m going to tell you everything, but first you have to promise me two things.” I wait for his response.
“I promise. Whatever it is, I promise,” he says.
“I need you to let me tell you everything without you saying anything. If you interrupt me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish.” He nods in agreement. “Second, I don’t want you to leave here tonight. I need you to stay here, even if you get really angry.” Again, I wait for his response.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise. Just being away from you this past week nearly killed me. I’m never fucking going anywhere.”
I take a deep breath to prepare myself. I try to work it out in my head, but really, there isn’t enough time, so I just spill everything before I lose the need to tell him.
“I worked for your father when I was sixteen. When I was still in high school. I was the file clerk and sometimes a runner. I worked in his office after school three days a week, and then every afternoon starting in the summer. I actually loved working there. Well, what I really loved was the money not the work. The work was boring; however, your father pays his staff really well, so it was worth it, at the time.
“It was a Friday. It was my seventeenth birthday. When I walked in the office, immediately, I noticed how quiet it was. The receptionist wasn’t at her desk and she was always there. The woman rarely left to take a restroom break. Your father’s partner wasn’t there, nor was any of the paralegals. It was strange, but I was also pretty naive back then, so I didn’t question it. I went directly back to the file room and started from where I left off the previous day.”
I briefly pause to take a cleansing breath. So far this isn’t as bad as I thought, but then again, I haven’t told him much. Nick has both of his hands holding onto my hips, and he’s looking directly into my eyes. He kind of has this “where is this going” look plastered on his face. I place my hands on his chest and continue.
“I was listening to my iPod. Usually, I didn’t do that. One of the paralegals had warned me that your dad wouldn’t approve. He saw music as a distraction from getting the job done. However, there didn’t seem to be anyone in the office, so I put my ear buds in and started to work. Honestly, I probably got more work done with the music than I would have without them. If I had been a little smarter, I might have actually checked to see who was and wasn’t there when I arrived.
“About a half an hour later, I heard a sound. I heard it even with Papa Roach screaming in my ears. It was the sound of something breaking. It startled me and I froze in place for a moment. When I turned around, your father was standing in the doorway of the file room. He looked angry, but I think he became angrier when he noticed the iPod in my hand. I quickly set in on the filing cabinet and told him I was sorry.”
Nick’s eyes grow wide the moment I mention his father was angry with me. I close my eyes and I force myself to continue as the sick memory filters through my mind.