Silent Honor(7)

“It went very well last time, Masao-san.” She stood firm. Her sister was pregnant again as well, so she would be unable to come and help her, but her mother was planning to be there.

“People don't do that anymore, Hidemi-san,” he insisted. “This is 1924, not the dark ages of the last century. You will be safer in a hospital, and so will the baby.” Masao loved reading American medical journals, as well as the material that related to political science for his classes. And after reading about obstetrical complications a number of times, the idea of giving birth at home again appalled him. But Hidemi was far less modern than he, and extremely stubborn.

Just as scheduled, her mother arrived at the beginning of June, and planned to be there for three or four weeks before the baby. She helped Hidemi with Hiroko every day, and it gave Hidemi a little more free time to spend with her husband. They even managed to spend a day and a night in Tokyo, which was a treat for them, and it fascinated them to see all the reconstruction after the earthquake.

Five days after they returned, Masao and Hidemi were lying on their futons late one night, when Masao noticed that Hidemi was moving around restlessly, and finally she got up and went to walk in the garden. He joined her after a little while, and asked her if the baby was coming. And finally, after hesitating, she nodded. A year earlier she wouldn't have said anything to him, but after two years of marriage, she was finally a little less shy, and a little more open with him.

He had long since lost the battle for the hospital, and as he watched her, he asked her if she wanted him to go and get her mother. And for an odd moment, she shook her head, and then reached for his hand, as though she wanted to tell him something.

“Is something wrong, Hidemi? You must tell me if there is.” He always worried that out of modesty she would fail to tell him if she was ill or if there was something wrong with her or the baby. “You must not disobey me,” he said, hating the words, but knowing that they were the key to making her tell him if there was a problem. “Is something wrong?”

She shook her head as she looked at him, and then turned away, her face filled with emotion.

“Hidemi-san, what is it?”

She turned back to look at him then, with the huge dark eyes he loved so much and which always reminded him of their daughter. “I am afraid, Masao-san….”

“Of having the baby?” He felt so sorry for her, his heart went out to her, momentarily sorry that he had helped her do this. He had felt that way the last time, when he had glimpsed her pain. He hoped that this time it would be easy for her.

But she shook her head, and then looked at him so sadly. She was twenty-one years old, and there were times when she looked like a little girl, and other times when she seemed totally a woman. He was seven years older than she, and much of the time, he felt protective of her, and almost old enough to be her father.

“I am afraid it will not be a son …again…. Perhaps we will have many daughters.” She looked at him despairingly and he gently put his arms around her and held her.

“Then we will have many daughters. … I am not afraid of that, Hidemi-san. I only want you to be well, and not suffer. … I will be happy with daughters or sons…. You must not do this for me again, if you don't wish it.” There were times when he thought she had rushed into having another child just to please him and give him the son she felt would bring him honor. Her gift of a son for him was the most important thing she could give him.

And when her mother came to lead her away, Hidemi looked at him reluctantly. She liked being with him, and odd as it seemed, she didn't want to go away from him to have their baby. She knew that in some ways, their relationship was different than that of most Japanese couples. Masao liked being with her, and helping her, and spending time with her and Hiroko. Even now, in pain, she wanted him to be with her, although she knew that her mother would have been shocked to hear her say it. But she would never say it to anyone. They would never have understood her feelings, or the way Masao treated her. He was always so kind and so respectful.

For hours she lay in her mother's room, thinking of him, and this time she knew from the way the pains came that the baby would come before morning. She had felt the pains all afternoon, but hadn't wanted to say anything. She didn't want to leave Masao, and she had liked lying next to him, and being close to him, and all that day being with Hiroko. But now she knew she had work to do, and she lay silently as her mother gave her something to bite on so she wouldn't make a sound. She would do nothing to disgrace her husband.

But as time wore on, the baby didn't seem to move, and when her mother finally looked, she could see nothing. No head, no hair, no movement at all. There was just endless pain, until Hidemi was almost out of her mind with it by morning.