I couldn’t stop talking to him as if he was still six. He was a teenager. Sixteen years old. He could legally have sex; he could legally be a father and be married. The thought made me feel sick.
“He doesn’t like to be touched, Rob. Stay close to him though, all right? I want you to stay close to him so he knows he’s loved.”
Rob nodded as he followed the doctor and my son through the double doors. I wanted to melt onto the hospital floor.
“Come on,” said Jake. “We’ll get a cup of tea and sit down.”
I wanted to shout at Jake for what he had said to Rob, but instead I let him lead me away with his hand on the small of my back. Perhaps I was too tired to argue. Perhaps I needed someone to lead me, to tell me what to do. I didn’t have the brain power to do it myself. All my thoughts were consumed by that blank expression on Aiden’s face.
9
It would be easier to say that I was so focussed on Aiden coming back, and the things he had been through, that I barely noticed Rob’s reintroduction into my life, but that would be a lie. Rob’s presence affected me more than I was willing to admit at the time. For one thing, seeing him brought me some comfort. At one time, Rob’s resemblance to Aiden had brought me nothing but pain, and it was one of the reasons why he left in the first place. But now I looked at him and saw what I hoped Aiden could one day be: confident, amiable, and overall, kind.
Yes, Rob had gone through a rebellious phase, and no, he was not the kind of boyfriend you took home to your parents, but Rob had something of the artist in him. The rest was Viking. He had a hot temper and would have been at home with the fighting and fucking of that ancient society, but deep down he had a sensitive nature and a strong sense of loyalty. He was a protective presence in my life. At least, he had been, until Aiden disappeared.
We saw Aiden in each other and it drove us both mad. I felt like half a person after I thought Aiden had drowned in the flood, and I imagine Rob felt the same. We should have made each other whole by joining our broken selves together. But for whatever reason it didn’t work like that. We only reminded each other of what we had lost and eventually we had to part. Couples who lose a child often separate. We were one of those couples.
But now our child had come back. What did that mean for us?
Those were the thoughts running through my mind as I waited with Jake, my husband, for Aiden’s tests to be finished. When Jake passed me a cup of weak tea, I forced myself to stop thinking about Rob and concentrate on the man before me, the man whose daughter was in my womb, who had fixed me when I was broken, rather than running away. He was the man I should be thinking about. He was the man who should make my heart skip a beat.
“I can’t wait until this is all over and we can bring Aiden home,” I said, sipping on my tea. I flinched as it burned my tongue, and blew softly over the liquid.
Jake had brought me to the hospital canteen. I felt guilty being so far from Aiden, but was glad to be away from those stark corridors. We sat at a wobbly table and watched as visitors bought cups of coffee for their elderly relatives. A woman desperately tried to soothe her screaming baby, red-faced from embarrassment.
“Is that wise?” Jake crossed his legs and smoothed the fabric of his trousers. “At least straight away. We don’t know what kind of psychological harm Aiden has suffered. Are we really equipped to deal with it?”
I stared at Jake, unable to find the words I needed to convey how ridiculous I found that notion. I was his mother; I was all he needed. I must have been frowning or glaring, because Jake stuttered as he attempted to explain further.
“What I mean is… Aiden is… well, he’s going to need a lot of specialist care, and we need to be careful that we give him what he requires to get better. There’s a reason why he’s still in shock and still won’t speak about what happened to him. Let’s just not rush things. Let’s make sure we listen carefully to the experts. I mean, it might not even be safe to bring him home, especially as you’ll be having the baby soon.”
“You think Aiden is dangerous?” I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to piece Jake’s words together in my fogged state of exhaustion. “He’s not dangerous.”
Jake reached across the table and took my hand. “Sweetheart. Think for a minute. You haven’t seen Aiden for a decade. A decade, Emma. He isn’t the sweet six-year-old boy you remember. He’s almost a fully grown man. We know nothing about him.”
Gently, I slid my hand out from his. Was there any truth in what he was saying? Could Aiden really be dangerous? When I saw him sitting there in that hospital bed, all I could think about was the boy in the red anorak who kissed me goodbye in the school carpark. Maybe Jake was right. I didn’t know him, not anymore.