And then he gently pushed me back to lie on the bed, placing himself over me, never breaking the kiss.
While my pulse rioted in my body under his, my lips pushed harder. I pulled my knees up to be on either side of him as I was pressed into the mattress. I had a strange feeling like this is what Rachel and Gran had been trying to tell us about. That eventually it would be like a dam would break and we’d be unable to control ourselves with each other.
But I wasn’t accustomed to letting something else control me. I knew we could be trusted with each other, that we could enjoy the other, but not get carried away.
I fought for control. I felt the fog lift slowly as I pulled away, our lips were barely apart and we shared breath as we panted and fought to get a grip.
“Ah,” he breathed. “That’s what I’ve been missing with you? You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said hoarsely and then laughed a strained chuckle as he stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers.
I didn’t know what to say. In my mind that may as well have been my first kiss because nothing before it even mattered. I smiled up at him. He eased off me slowly, pulling me to sit up even as he moved to sit in the chair.
“I, uh, think I better sit over here for a minute.”
I felt confused. Did he really think he couldn’t control himself? Why was he moving away? Did I go too fast? I thought he wanted me to? Was I not any good? It was almost funny to me that I’d never had any of these concerns with Chad.
He came back to kneel in front of me on the floor, between my knees. He put his hands on my hips and squeezed once. “Are you for real? Of course I wanted you to. And it was good. Too good. I just don’t want things to get out of control.”
“You don’t think we can control ourselves?” I asked and gave him a questioning look.
“Mom explained that it’s really intense. And it was. I know you felt it.”
“Yes, I did, but we stopped just fine. Look, no offense to your mad skills,” he laughed and shook his head, “but I think I can handle it. I’m not afraid of you losing control with me and I’m not worried about me not being able to stop you either. You’d never hurt me. Your parents trusted us to be alone, didn’t they?”
“Yeah, but my mom is worried about you. She thinks that I’ll persuade you to do something you don’t want to, even if neither of us meant to. That I’ll let it control me.”
I was so confused. “Will you explain it to me, please? You keep talking about this, but I don’t understand. It’s worse for you?”
“Yes, in a way. It’s uncomfortable.” His cheeks actually turned pink as he looked away. “The males are the protectors and leaders of the clan. The way I feel about you is more than just...affection, which I feel plenty of. I feel protective of you above everything else and concerned about your welfare. When I’m not with you, I spend the whole time trying to tell myself that you’re ok, that you’re safe, that you don’t need me right that second. It’s like a steady constant stream running through my mind.”
I licked my lips nervously. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was like that for you.”
“No,” he insisted and grabbed my face gently. “No, no. I want it that way. It helps me keep you safe. And it helps me keep you happy. I can’t always read your mind unless I’m trying, but I can feel what you feel, especially when you have a spike of adrenaline or emotion. And you know how you can feel my heartbeat sometimes?” I nodded. “I can always feel yours. Always, even when I’m not with you, beating right next to mine.”
I thought about all the times he’d touched me and my heart raced. All the times I’d watched him and thought about him and it skipped and jumped. I’m sure my face was as red as a beet.
“This,” he continued, “is why I didn’t tell you all this yet. I didn’t want you to feel weird around me or be embarrassed and I still don’t. I wanted you to be yourself so you could get to know me.”
I had a thought. “That’s how you knew Chad kissed me?” I accused him, but it came out as barely a whisper, feeling the heat in my cheeks.
“Yeah,” he said and flashed a second of irritation on his face before he settled for a slight scowl. “You see, your heartbeats sound different when you’re excited and when you're distressed.”
I flushed brighter, the heat almost unbearable. “I was not excited that he was kissing me,” I said vehemently.
“I know that.” His thumbs caressed my cheeks making me shiver. “But your body involuntarily reacts when someone kisses you. I figured it out and it took all my willpower to trust you and not come over here to pummel him.” That made me laugh. He nuzzled his nose with mine. “What I was getting at is that I feel everything you do, but because I feel my own feelings plus yours it’s just a lot harder for me. If I’m touching you and you like it... it all just adds together and makes me want to touch you even more,” he said gruffly and wrapped his arms around my waist. “It feels sometimes like I couldn’t stop touching you for anything.” He brushed his lips against mine.
“I don’t see why that’s a bad thing,” I murmured against his lips.
“It’s not. I just want you to understand that if we get carried away, it won’t be me that stops us. I don’t know if I could.”
“I’m not worried. I told you. I have no problem with making sure we don’t go too far, ok? I trust you.”
“I’m glad. I want you to trust me. I want you to feel completely safe with me. I would never hurt you, Maggie, and I’d never let anything happen to you.”
“I know that,” I insisted.
“You,” he took my hand and held it to his chest where our hearts beat together, “are in me now. You’re everything. All I want is for you to be happy and safe. I need you to be. Don’t ever be afraid to tell me things. If I’m being too pushy, crowding or controlling you or getting on your nerves, just say the word.”
“I don’t think I could not like those things,” I said sweetly.“Maggie, I’m serious.”
“So am I.” I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I want you to be happy, too. I want you to tell me the same things. Everything is going to be fine. We’ll both be honest and it’s not like we can’t read each other's thoughts and feelings anyway. It’s not like I could hide it if I was annoyed, right?”
He smiled sadly. “No, not really.”
There was something he wasn’t telling me. I could feel it hanging there. I reached out in my mind and pushed. His gaze shot to mine and he knew I was looking for something. He let down any resistance and closed his eyes. We were completely open to each other, connected.
I could see how he still felt my choices were being taken away. He thought I’d still be with Chad and would never have given him the time of day had things not happened like they did. He was so extremely worried and upset over this echoling thing, pissed even. He also wanted to kiss me again and it almost hurt to restrain himself and it hurt me to know that. To actually feel the way it pulled him to me and wanted him to just consume me with passion. I had no idea he was feeling this way around me.
But the most important thing I saw was that he loved me.
He had no intentions of telling me because he thought I’d freak and think it was way too soon. But what he didn’t understand is that I did. I understood how crazy and unconventional this all was but we were bound together and I wasn’t scared anymore. That could not be denied. And though I didn’t know him that well, something in me did. It recognized him and chose him as he chose me because we were meant for each other.
And I loved him, too.
His eyes went wide at my thought. I didn’t say it out loud, nor did he, but there it was and I didn’t think I’d ever seen a bigger smile on his face.
He pulled my face close, his fingers bunched in my hair.
“Maggie,” he sighed.
“You didn’t take my choices away. And Chad and I were never meant to be together. You and I are,” I insisted. “And I’ve set the pace now. You don’t have to wait for me anymore,” I whispered teasingly and smiled.
He wasted no time in pulling me the small space between us and letting me feel just how he felt about that. We kept the connection between our minds open directly as he kissed me sweetly. Usually I caught glimpses and flashes involuntarily but when we focused on keeping the wall down completely it was a tidal wave of emotions and thoughts.
I didn’t lie back this time, knowing how intense everything was. But I did push myself to the edge of the bed and let him kiss me senseless as his arms enveloped me tight and warm, him still on his knees in between mine. And he was a perfect gentleman. Well... about as gentlemanly as one can be with their mouth devouring someone else’s. His hands didn’t try to wander to places they shouldn’t, though in his mind he wanted to. His body so wanted to.
He was also embarrassed by that, but I made sure he knew I wanted him to want me. That I wanted him. That was the point, wasn’t it? The thing I never had with Chad, he didn’t want me physically, sexually or long term relationship wise until he knew he couldn’t have me. And to be honest, apparently neither did I. I wanted someone to want me in all ways and someone who I wanted the same in return. And I’d found him.