I turn to see that a whole fleet of golf carts have turned up, and all the tourists are getting on. The blond guy is gesturing to the back seat of a cart that seats six people and is nearly full.
I don’t want to get on. I want to find the wardrobe department. But I guess I have no choice.
‘Great.’ I smile at him. ‘Thanks.’
Reluctantly I climb on to the back of the cart and buckle up, next to an old lady in pink seersucker shorts who is filming everything with a video recorder. She even swings round to take a shot of me, and I do a little wave. The blond guy has got into the front of the cart and is handing out headphones.
‘Hi!’ His voice booms into my ears as soon as my headphones are on. ‘My name is Shaun and I’ll be your guide for today. I’m gonna take you on a fascinating tour of Sedgewood Studios, past, present and future. We’ll see the places where all your favourite shows and movies have been filmed. And while we’re on our tour, keep your eyes peeled, and you might just spot one of our stars at work. Yesterday I was beginning a tour just like this one, when who should we see strolling by but Matt Damon!’
‘Matt Damon!’
‘I love him!’
‘His films are awesome!’
At once, everyone starts looking around excitedly as if he might appear again, and one man even starts snapping his camera at empty space.
This is just like being on safari. In fact, I’m amazed they don’t do celebrity safaris. I wonder who the ‘Big Five’ would be. Brad Pitt, obviously, and Angelina. And imagine if you saw the whole family together. It would be like when we came across a lioness feeding her cubs in the Masai Mara.
‘Now, we’re gonna travel back in time, to the glory days of Sedgewood,’ Shaun is saying. ‘I’m gonna share with you some magical moments in film history. So sit back, and enjoy!’
The golf cart moves off, and we all look around politely at the white buildings and the lawns and the trees. After a while we stop, and Shaun shows us the fountain where Johnno proposed to Mari on We Were So Young, in 1963.
I never saw We Were So Young. In fact, I’ve never even heard of it, so that doesn’t mean an awful lot to me. Quite a nice fountain though.
‘And now on to our next highlight!’ Shaun says as we all get back on the cart. He starts it up and we drive for ages past more white buildings, lawns and trees. We turn a sharp corner and we all look excitedly to see what’s next … but it’s more white buildings, lawns and trees.
I suppose I knew this is what a studio lot looked like. But I can’t help feeling it’s a bit … meh. Where are the cameras? Where’s the guy shouting ‘Action’? And, more importantly, where’s the wardrobe department? I really wish I had a map, and I really wish Shaun would stop. As if reading my mind, he pulls to a halt and turns to face us, his face glowing with professional animation.
‘Ever wondered where was the famous grating that Anna lost her ring down, in the movie Fox Tales? Right here, on the Sedgewood Studios lot! Come and take a closer look.’
Obediently we all get off the cart and have a look. Sure enough, on a nearby fence there’s a framed still from some black-and-white film of a girl in fox furs dropping a ring down a grating. To my eye, it’s just an old grating. But everyone else is taking pictures of it, jostling for a good view, so maybe I should, too. I take a couple of snaps, then edge away from the group while they’re all engrossed. I walk to the corner and squint up the road, hoping to see a sign saying Wardrobe or Costume Design, but it’s just more white buildings, lawns and trees. Nor can I see a single film star. In fact, I’m starting to doubt whether they really come here at all.
‘Ma’am?’ Out of nowhere, Shaun has appeared, looking like a special agent in his dark jacket and headset. ‘Ma’am, I need you to stay with the group.’
‘Oh right. OK.’ Reluctantly, I follow him back to the cart and get on. This is useless. I’m never going to meet Nenita Dietz, stuck on a cart.
‘To your right, you’ll see the buildings that house some of the most famous film-production companies in the world.’ Shaun is booming down the earpiece. ‘They all produce films right here on the Sedgewood lot! Now, we’re heading to the gift shop …’
I’m peering out of the cart as we trundle along, reading every sign we pass. As we pause at an intersection, I lean out, squinting, to read the signs on the buildings. Scamper Productions … AJB Films … Too Rich Too Thin Design! Oh my God, that’s her! That’s Nenita Dietz’s company! Right there in front of my eyes! OK. I’m off.