Right?
I sighed, drawing a heart in the dust next to me. Looking back and seeing things from the view of this porch, I wasn’t sure anymore that I’d had much to lose back then. Two years ago I was freshly dumped by Luke the Puke, vying for a coveted junior partner spot at a firm that was sucking the life out of me, and getting ready to kiss my friendships goodbye for another guy. That didn’t sound like something to strive towards.
All my grandiose ideas of who I am fell apart when I received that document from the Nevada State vital records department. Apparently, smart, responsible people do sometimes do stupid things like get married at twenty-four hour chapels by a man named Elvis; either that, or I’m at least ten times dumber than I thought I was.
The problem wasn’t so much that I’d done it, but that for the first time since figuring this all out, I was wondering which was worse: getting married to a stranger in Vegas or scripting my life out and expecting to be happy at the end of the production. My life was like a play with actors and scenes and lines I’d written, with a happily-ever-after I couldn’t even visualize. Instead of working towards a clear vision of happiness, I’d been head down, moving in the direction of … nothing. A big cloud of smoke I couldn’t see through. I drummed it into my own head, this mantra of success, success, success … but where was the happiness? Where was the love? And why hadn’t I realized this before?
As I sat on the porch trying to envision myself as an older woman, all my brain would conjure was an image of an older Mack sitting across the dinner table from me, smiling in that knowing way of his. Looking back now, the plan I had laid out for myself seemed not only stupid, but dull. Empty. Safe, but in the end, very very dangerous for how it could cause me to lose the real me entirely. Who have I become? And what is it about this ridiculous, dust-covered snake haven that’s causing me to re-think my entire life? Maybe I did get bitten by that snake after all. Can poison do this to a person? I looked at the back of my ankles for the telltale double puncture wounds.
“Ready?” Mack’s voice came to me from down in the yard.
I pulled my head out of the ether and stared at him and his transportation. When my voice came back it got away from me a little. “No fucking way, Mack.” I shook my head. “Excuse my French, but that is not going to happen.”
He grinned, holding two sets of reins in his hands. “Sure it is. You’ll be fine. Come on over here so I can give you a leg up.” He stood between a brown horse with a black mane and a blonde one with a pretty cream-colored mane.
I didn’t care how pretty she or it was, I was not going to ride it. “Give yourself a leg up. I’m not riding a horse anywhere. Those things bite. Bring me the four-wheeler or whatever you call it.”
“Can’t. It’s out of gas.” He was still smiling, obviously very pleased with himself.
I ignored the beauty of it, refusing to let him charm me into my death. “You’re lying.” I stared him down.
He lost the grin and put on his innocent-as-a-lamb expression. “Nope. Dry as a bone. Come on, I brought you an old nag.” He gestured to the brown one with his chin. “She couldn’t buck you off if she wanted to, and I promise, she won’t want to. And she doesn’t bite either.” His elbow came up to greet the teeth of the blond one who had swooped its head in towards his waist. He didn’t look like he’d hurt it, but he’d done a good job of blocking its moves.
“Ha! That one just tried to bite you!” I backed up a little, making sure I had plenty of room to maneuver if it decided to come after me next. The thing was huge, towering over Mack who was pretty damn tall himself.
“This one’s feisty, I admit. But I’ll be riding her and you’ll be riding her momma, so you’ll be fine. Cross my heart,” he said, making an X on his chest.
“Your heart’s on the other side.”
“I know,” he said, winking. He held up crossed fingers. “Got all my bases covered, just in case.”
My mouth dropped open at his casual dismissal of my well-grounded fears. “You don’t have to kill me by horse, you know. All you have to do is sign the papers.” When he looked at me quizzically, I explained. “People die on those things every day.”
“Not on my horses they don’t.” He held out his hand. “Come on, wife. Come take a little ride with me. Let me show you all the things you’ll be missing when you go back East and leave me here with a broken heart.”
My heart melted just a little bit in that moment, and I was pretty sure I’d never get it to go cold again. It wasn’t just the things he said but how he said them. He swung so easily between strong, sexy cowboy and soft-hearted loverboy, he was making me dizzy with it. Maybe even a little love-drunk.