“Oh yeah? Like what kind of personal pursuits?”
“Crocheting. Painting. Book club. I do lots of things on the side of my work life.”
I sighed wistfully. “All of those things are things I wish I had time for.” This time I wasn’t lying. I was a total granny at heart.
She shrugged, never hesitating in her work. “So find the time.”
“Ha. That’s funny. Have you ever worked in a law firm?”
“Can’t say as I have.”
“Well, it sucks for free time. I work from six in the morning until sometimes ten at night or even later when I’m going to trial.”
“Sounds like you don’t even have time to breathe.”
I stared out the window into the back yard. “I don’t. I haven’t had time to breathe since I was fifteen years old.” The simple sad truth of that calmed me down completely. “I don’t know why I ever thought that was something I wanted.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. First off, you were young and you were doing what you needed to do to make the most of things. And second, you’re still young. You aren’t stuck doing what you don’t want to do. If your life isn’t working for you, change it.” She stopped with her bean-snapping and looked at me. “Nobody’s forcing you to stay where you are in life.”
“I am,” I said pitifully.
She smiled. “Well, my advice is to not let you stand in the way of your own happiness.”
“Yeah,” I said, blinking a few times as the words sunk in. “That is kind of dumb, isn’t it?”
“Not dumb. Safe. I get the impression you’ve lived a safe life.”
I chuckled bitterly. “For the most part, yes. And the one time I stepped out of the safety zone, I monumentally screwed up the lives of about five people.” I was tallying up the entire MacKenzie family as collateral damage.
“I doubt that.” She lifted a big container of beans out of the sink and put it on the counter. “Life has a way of working out, whether it’s following our plan or not. I have a feeling that you’re going to look back on that time you stepped out of your safety zone, as one of the best things you could have done for yourself.”
“I really wish you knew what you were talking about,” I said, before I realized how rude it sounded.
She laughed. “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.”
“Have you screwed up before? Like massively, awfully screwed up?”
She nodded. “Yep. We all have. It’s part of becoming a strong person.” She put her hands on her hips and faced me. “I’m a strong person, Andie. But it’s only because I’ve fought for it.”
“Shine not burn,” I said softly, my heart collapsing in on itself in my chest.
She nodded. “That’s right. We MacKenzie girls shine, not burn.” She pulled me into a hug. “You’re one of us, so you should know.”
I broke into tears, clinging to her like a drowning girl to a life ring.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
AFTER I’D CRIED MYSELF OUT and blubbered all over Maeve’s very understanding shoulder, I walked up to Ian’s room and fell into an exhausted sleep. I dreamed of huge groups of people witnessing my shame and condemning me for it. Visions of my mother’s boyfriend accusing me of being a slut tortured my already bruised sense of self-worth. Mewling cries escaped my lips as I pictured my bosses firing me for besmirching the reputation of the firm.
It was then that I felt a warmth come over me and the darkness slip away. Like a magic spell had been cast, I went from disintegrating to safe. Alone to protected. I shifted in the bed and realized I wasn’t alone anymore.
“What are you doing here?” I asked in a tear-scratched voice.
“Shhh, just go to sleep. You’re exhausted.”
“But what about dinner?” I wasn’t hungry, but I hoped to get rid of him. I didn’t deserve the care and compassion; I deserved to be punished.
“Dinner’s long over. If you want, we saved you a plate, but I think you should just sleep. I kept you out in the sun too long. Sorry about that, babe.”
“It’s not the sun.” It’s the giant crack in my heart that will never heal.
He kissed my neck tenderly. “No, it’s not the sun. It’s me. I wore you out with King Dong.”
I laughed in spite of myself. “Shut up.”
“Fine.” He kissed my shoulder. “Go to sleep.”
“Go away and I will,” I whispered, already falling into the twilight sleep zone where nothing made much sense and shadows of memories swirled and danced.