I felt my face flame with color as more flashes of my dreams filled my head.
"Oh! Um … yeah. I had some … great … dreams. Did Mark hear them, too? We haven't … done anything … yet, so that would be kind of … embarrassing, if he heard.…"
"Yeah, he was awake during one round, at least. He seemed a bit uncomfortable after I came in and you were dreaming somewhat loudly. I had been about to leave when you said something about being cold. You mumbled it. Cold.
I told him I'd be right back with a blanket for you, he nodded at me, not meeting my eyes. I thought I'd woken him up by coming in here and he was still blinking at me cause he was half asleep, but a bit after you said you were cold you started moaning and I said, 'doesn't sound like she's cold anymore.'
I laughed and looked toward him, but he didn't seem to think it was funny. It was probably unprofessional of me to have said that, but I didn't think anything of it until it seemed to make him mad.
After that I didn't say anything when I'd come in. You never said you were cold again, but I did bring a blanket in. He was always asleep when I came in after that.
Sorry if my comment made him uncomfortable, I just wanted to tell you before he came back. I didn't mean to put him on the spot while you were out like that. We see and hear a lot here as nurses, I just took it in stride. I hope I didn't upset him."
I smiled at her and said it was fine. I told her not to worry about it, but after a few seconds of her fussing over me and notating that all my vitals looked great, I couldn't help it—I had to know.
"Could I have been saying something else? Maybe the name 'Cole?' Cause if so…"
Her eyebrows shot up into her forehead as she understood and said, "Oh! Umm, maybe? I take it Cole is … someone else?"
I nodded, closing my eyes in embarrassment. Crap.
I'd have to wait and see how Mark acted to know for sure, but I'm pretty sure he'd hear the difference between cold and Cole, especially moaned.
Double crap.
He knew my history, of course.
I just wasn't sure how he'd react to being the man here with me after my near death experience, sleeping on a cot beside me so I wouldn't be alone, and then hearing me calling out Cole's name in the dark.
"Did I ever say his name? Mark?"
I asked the nurse half hopeful and half scared that I had. Was it better to call out two names in a delirious, drug induced passion, or to only call out the name of your dead fiancé?
She shook her head no.
"Great," I said.
"You two haven't ever…?"
I shook my head no.
"And Cole is…?"
"An ex."
I went with the simplest explanation.
"Oh. Maybe he just heard what I thought I heard—cold."
"Maybe."
We stared at each other for a minute, two women in silent communication.
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
I nodded and said, "You've heard me call out another man's name, during … dreams, I'm thinking we're now on personal question terms. Go ahead."
"Why did you and Cole beak up? I only ask because, well, if I had a man that made me … dream … the way you were dreaming last night," she said, delicately. "I'd never let him go. I think I'd do anything to get him back. A man who makes you dream that much in one night, is a keeper. Just saying. Unless he hurt you, or cheated on you, or something like that, of course. Sorry if I'm overstepping by asking."
"No, he never hurt me. We never … in real life, either. Just in dreams, apparently."
"You haven't, you know, really dreamed, with either of them?"
"Nope."
"Well, damn. In that case, don't listen to me. Drugs can do really weird things to a brain, I know, I've seen it all. It probably didn't mean anything. And Mark was here for you, you know? All night. That's a good man, too."
I agreed, Mark was a great guy. He just wasn't Cole. But Cole was gone, again, so …
As she wrapped up her check-up, saying the breakfast tray would be around shortly and that I should be able to go home soon after, I heard her mumble, "If I had dreams like that I don't think I'd ever want to wake up."
* * *
Mark drove me home after I was released. The ride was quiet but polite. I don't think Mark knew how to address whatever he'd heard in the night, or if he even wanted to address it. He didn't ask me anything about how I'd slept or if I'd had any dreams.
How could he though, really?
So … did you enjoy the noisy sex you had all night, with your dead fiancé?
Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
Besides, could you even hold that against someone? I was drugged, after all.
I didn't bring it up, either. I just pleaded exhaustion and pushed Mark out my front door so I could be alone.