I’d lost him once and nearly didn’t survive it. I couldn’t lose him again. Not like that.
He let go of my shirt and reached for Josh. Josh whimpered and curled into me, big blue eyes locked on Hunter’s cut cheek. Hunter’s eyes drifted shut, and when they opened, they were softer, gentle.
He ran his hand over Josh’s soft hair. “It’s just a scratch, bud.” Hunter turned to Van, communicated something with a look, and Van instantly reached for Josh. Josh lifted his arms, went to him without hesitation, wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck. Van carried him out of the living room, down to his bedroom to play.
Hunter looked at me, gaze searching. “Babe . . .”
“I can’t do this,” I said before I fully knew what was going to come out of my mouth.
“This isn’t something that happens often, Lulu. Yeah, Jude and I ran into some trouble, but we had it under control. We got what we went for. It’s done.”
“You had it under control?” I said in disbelief. “You got shot!”
He held my gaze. “It’s a risk we take doing this job, but, babe, this does not happen every week, this was just bad luck,” he said, trying to play it down, but at the same time confirming my fears. And no matter how he tried to spin it, he couldn’t deny the fact—it happens. Bullets flew. People got shot.
I felt my eyes go wide.
“Shit, you need to listen to what I’m saying . . .”
“No, Hunter, I don’t need to do a damn thing.”
“Lulu . . .”
“I can’t do this,” I repeated. “I can’t have another night like last night, worried out of my mind.” I started shaking uncontrollably.
This time he didn’t feed me a line like the day before. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. “You need to find a way to handle this.”
There he went again, telling me to get over it, like I could just flick a switch and not be afraid anymore. “I can’t do that,” I said, the last word coming out on a broken sob. “You live in a world that I ran from. A world I was dragged into against my will, a world filled with unimaginable horrors, with sick, twisted people who would chew you up and spit you out without a second thought. The kind of people that wouldn’t think twice about pointing a gun at someone and pulling the trigger.”
He jerked back, eyes widening in surprise.
I realized in that moment, I’d never voiced the way I felt, not really. Yes, I’d told him I didn’t want his job to touch Josh, but not the depth of my fears. I’d held back. I needed him to understand now. “I left that hell behind, Hunter, to protect my unborn child, so it would never touch him. I’ve tried to tell myself I can do this, but I know now that I can’t. I don’t want to. I had that life forced on me, I won’t do that to my son.”
His eyes locked on mine. “What are you saying?” he rasped.
I bit my lip, fought down the tears stinging the backs of my eyes. “I have to go.”
His fingers curled into my shirt again, fisting it tighter. “No. We sit down, we work through this. You do not run away. I won’t fucking let you.”
I blinked, and a tear streaked down my cheek. “What happens if the next shot doesn’t just hit your shoulder? What if it hits . . . somewhere else? What if next time, the bad guys follow you home?”
“That won’t happen.”
“You can’t guarantee that. How can you?”
“I’m telling you, I won’t let it. Fuck . . . we can work this out, Lulu. There has to be a way, but you are not walking out that fucking door.”
I tried to pull away, but he crowded in, pinned me between his body and the kitchen counter. “I need to think. I can’t think when I’m with you.”
“I can’t think when you’re gone,” he rasped.
I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. Hunter’s fingers curled around my biceps and he gave me a shake. “Don’t do this, Lulu.”
I ignored him. “I have to.” I was hysterical now, but I couldn’t rein it in. The knot in my stomach, all my fears, all the pain I’d had on lock down could no longer be contained. It all came rushing forward. I felt like I was submerged in a vat of maple syrup, trying to swim to the surface and getting nowhere. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe.
Hunter shook me a little harder. “Shit, calm down.”
“No.” I shoved out of his hold and shot across the room, hugging myself. “No. I have to go.”
“You’re just going to leave me?” The disbelief was there in his voice, and I did my best to block it out. This was what I had to do, to protect Josh. To protect myself.