I stiffened. I didn’t mean to, but all the happy post-orgasm feelings flowing through my body vanished instantly at his serious tone.
“Relax. What I’ve got to tell you, it does not change anything between us, but I got shit I’ve been dealing with all my life. That shit made me the man I am now. Some of it you know, some you don’t.”
I tried to turn again and this time he let me. My heart started pounding in my chest when I saw the pain and anguish lining his features. Whatever this was, it was something that had affected him deeply.
I threaded my fingers through his and tried to keep my freak-out under wraps.
His eyes held and locked onto mine. God, it hurt to look at him right then.
“You know me and the old man never got along. You also know he liked to use his fists on his kids. Van got a taste of it, Mom too, but I was his favorite puppy to kick around.”
Nausea curled in my belly. “Hunter, you don’t need to . . .”
He gave me another squeeze. “I want you to know where I’m coming from, when it comes to not only you, but Josh as well.”
“Okay.”
“It was no secret my old man hated me. He told me every day. I wasn’t good enough to have his name attached to mine. He made sure we knew every time he took his fists to us it was my fault. That just looking at me made him sick to his stomach.”
A painful lump formed in my throat.
“He wasn’t my father.”
I stopped breathing. “What?”
“My biological father is the man who attacked my mother one night on her way home from work. The man who dragged her into a dark alley, beat the shit out of her, and raped her.”
Oh God.
“The old man made sure I knew I wasn’t his as soon as I was old enough to understand. He was an angry, abusive asshole. Angry that my mother refused to get rid of me, and angry that he had to look at me every day and remember what happened to his wife.” He sucked in a breath. “Angry with himself, drowning in guilt that he hadn’t been there to protect his woman.”
I clung to him tighter. “I’m . . . God, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
He cupped my face. “I know what it is not to be wanted. I would never do that to our son. He’s mine in every way that matters. I would never hurt him, never turn my back on him. He’ll know nothing but love from me. I don’t give a fuck who makes up the other half of his DNA . . . but, baby, I care a whole fuck of a lot how our boy might have been brought into this world.”
My stomach tightened, clamped down into a hard, pain-filled ball. Oh God, he couldn’t get past it.
I blinked up at him, fighting that feeling of goddamn helplessness I loathed so much.
“I need you to know where my head’s at.” He brushed my hair back so tenderly, my heart squeezed. “My woman was abused, violated, and I wasn’t there to protect her. I understand that anger now. The anger the old man had to fight every day. Only he took it out on the wrong people, those he should have taken care of. I’m not angry at you, and I’m sure as fuck not angry at Josh.”
“You blame yourself?”
“Lulu, yeah.”
I cupped his face. “There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop it.”
“This isn’t something you can help me with.” He shook his head. “I’ve got to work through this on my own, but I need you to know what I’m fighting here.”
“You’re drowning in guilt?”
“I’m drowning in guilt,” he confirmed.
Hearing that, it killed me. Killed me.
“I’m trying to get a handle on it. But babe, you know I’m protective. I’m also possessive as hell. I’m those things on a good day, but this shit we’re in the middle of, it amplifies all of it. I’m going to do my best not to let that touch you, but sometimes I’m not going to be able to keep a lid on it . . . like last night. I’m gonna need you to cut me some slack.”
“I can do that.” And I could.
He kissed the top of my head, and tucked my head under his chin.
“You’re drowning in guilt?” I repeated against his skin.
“Lulu . . .”
“Please . . . don’t do that.”
“Babe . . .”
I pulled back, and his eyes on me were intense but soft. I shook my head. “I want you to stop it.”
He stared, then his lips lifted on one side. “Sweetheart.”
“I’m serious, Hunter. I want you to cut it out. Guilt is a useless emotion. A waste of energy. You have nothing to be guilty for, and I’ve just decided I’m going to spend every day making you so happy you forget all about it, do you understand?”